Friday, October 17, 2025

For Him

 A chime sounded, indicating the striking of the hour. 


He clicked into his session. As the page took its sweet arse time to load, he stole a glance over the top of his monitor and quickly scanned the empty flat for her. Where had she gone? he wondered, looking back down as his screen finally burst into life. Was she still outside with Tybald?


“Hey, everybody! Welcome to On  Call,” he said, greeting the various members of his flock by name, and inviting each person to  introduce themselves with an impromptu prompt.  He was listening with half an ear to the first response and scrolling idly around his screen, perusing the session’s active members, searching.  Then a snort escaped his lips; he turned quickly away from his camera, covering his grin with his hand.  She’s in your house, dumbass, he reminded himself drily; she’s no longer to be found  on your computer screen. 


“Thanks, DixonHand,” he quickly threw out and into the sudden silence from his screen. Oopsie. Pay attention, Host of the Universe. He had one final thought on just where in the bloody fuck she might have actually gone, then he jumped headfirst into his hosting duties. 


“Let’s go over the Sugarbell  rules,” he said to his crew, clicking the drop tab at the top of his screen and displaying the bulleted text. As he read out the first rule of social decorum, he felt something soft brush against his thigh; ah, there was his pup. They were clearly back, then, from their walk. He read aloud the second rule of gentlemanly conduct to his people, whilst tucking his left hand beneath the desktop in search of his doggy’s ears. 


His fingers roamed the air  beneath his desk, searching for the familiar,  fuzzy contours of Tybald’s skull. They were still grasping blindly without success  when he felt his palm suddenly being  grasped, then held firmly in place; hot breath tickled the pads of his fingers, before he felt them being sucked hard and into the confines a hot, wet mouth. Shocked by this unexpected reception, his body reacted by instinct; his arm thoughtlessly tried to yank back out again, until a sudden sharp sting of teeth on his fingers halted him, and kept him in place. 


His right hand released his mouse on the desktop above, and quickly darted beneath the table too; it flailed  through empty air, desperately seeking purchase, trying to locate her. He stared at the screen of people, all looking back at him; all watching. Fuck! He had to stop her. He was LIVESTREAMING. FUCK. 


He felt her soft cheek pressing into his palm. He slowed for a moment, cupping her face with his right hand; his left one was  still held firmly inside her mouth with her teeth. He uncupped her face, and began frantically tapping out an sos with his  thumb on her cheekbone, trying to convey to her that she had had her fun, but now it was time to stop. Fuck’s sake. 


Something soft and velvety slid over his left wrist, encircling it; the corresponding fingers, still being fellated inside her mouth, spasmed reflexively. Then the same soft velvet gliding over his right wrist. His panicking mind had just enough time to wonder what in the fucking fuck might just be happening right now, when he felt the warm, wet mouth  holding his left hand in place pop open, and released him. He was free. 


He immediately drew back his arms and lifted them out from beneath the desktop. But as he tried to send his right hand over to grasp his mouse, he met firm resistance, and heard the quiet firm clinking sound of steel against steel. His heart skipped a beat. He stole a quick glance down as he withdrew his hands and thrust them back beneath the desktop, and this time, his heart thudded to an abrupt halt.


His wrists…his wrists were bound together. She had CUFFED HIS WRISTS TOGETHER, in a shiny pair of fuzzy, leopard-print bondage cuffs. 


Ohhhhhhhhh. Oh, fuuuuuuuuuuuuck. 


“Ummmmm…” he glanced nervously up  to his camera, because, through the sheer panic and the utter disorientation and the total what-the-fucking-fuck-is-happening-right-now of his body’s reaction, his brain had also registered the long pause in the chatter on screen. “Okay!” he yelped, trying to smile like a normal person. “Thank you, Dixie Normous, and welcome,” he said, a bit desperately; he actually had no fucking idea whom had just spoken. He had chosen the first  handle he saw, and prayed he’d guessed correctly. “Next up! IvanaPhoqueALot! Please come on down and introduce yourself to the group.”


As the next member began to speak, he took a deep, steadying  breath, trying to regroup. He calmly lifted his bound wrists back onto the desktop, keeping them low, before resting them just before his keyboard. His cuffed wrists now sat just below the confines of his laptop’s camera, where they weren’t visible to his audience of fifteen peers. Checking his own screen on the monitor before him, he breathed out a sigh of relief. Yes, he thought, and tried to calm his racing heart. Okay. Yes. Right. That should work. 


Provided he did not have to mute anyone, of course, or click on a single goddamn thing. 


He finished with the introductions, then settled back into his routine, which his body could thoughtlessly plow through from muscle memory; thus allowing his brain to go on walkabout. That naughty little minx, he thought idly, shaking his head in disbelief. What a little shit she was. She was gonna get hers when the session was done. And then some. 


He startled violently and nearly threw his bound hands straight up into the air; something warm and soft had pressed against his inner thigh. It began a slow, meandering crawl up his leg,  towards paradise. Was that… what was it? Her fingers? he wondered; his heart began to pound again. He wondered how much more he could take before he cried uncle. 


He felt her nudge the hem of his shorts before sliding her finger  beneath them, tracing the line of the fabric around his thigh.  Then she continued her slow climb up his leg, her entire hand inside his shorts. When she reached his boxer briefs, he gasped softly, and held his breath. Oh. Oh, fuck. 


Her fingers slid beneath the elastic, and gently prowled along the seam, stopping occasionally to trace small, feathery circles on his sensitive skin. Then there was a sudden weight in his lap; a gentle pressure on his now interested cock. He froze as he felt warm air blowing onto and into the fabric of his shorts, making his cock jump with shock and delight. On the desktop above, his hands began to tremble. 


Silence. He focused his unseeing eyes and glanced quickly at his monitor, but no one seemed at all put out by his silence. They each  appeared to be working on individual projects; physically  present, but mentally not. In the next moment, he desperately hoped they were all very  deeply occupied indeed, as the sound of his fly being drawn down seemed to screech and reverberate with thunderous  volume around the room. 


As she dipped her hand inside his shorts and wrapped her fingers around his ever more enthusiastic cock, his body betrayed him yet again. Ignoring his brain’s commands to resist, his hips instead slid him forward on his chair, until he was balanced precariously on the end of his seat; this, of course, gave her fuller access to his good bits, and restricted him far less. Apparently needing no further invitation, she let her wet lips brush the tip of his cock in a slow, agonizing circle; then again; then again. He nearly groaned aloud when the tip of her tongue tickled its centre, and gently pushed inside. His bounds hands above her on the desktop clenched into fists. 


Her tongue pulled out of his frenulum; then she gripped him at the base of his hard dick and slapped him against her closed, wet lips, again, and again. She gave one final slap against her closed mouth then pushed her face into his lap, opening her mouth and sucking hard as she moved in. The saliva covered head of his cock forced its way through the barrier of her closed lips and powered straight into her mouth, barreling relentlessly  for the furthest reaches of her throat. She took him in, eagerly; wrapping her mouth around his hard dick and gliding her tongue along his shaft with enthusiasm. He heard a soft moan drift up from beneath his desktop, and wondered idly if anyone else had heard it. 


He fought an urge to slam his fists onto the tabletop; people were watching, he reminded himself. But he was caring less and less, and he did not resist as  his body took over. His hips pulled him briefly back from her mouth; she met this show of power by tightening the suction of her mouth, clearly thinking him attempting retreat. He gleefully thrust himself forwards with force, shoving himself in to the hilt. He met the resistance of her throat, and pushed himself in  further. He felt her throat closing around his cock and knew she couldn’t breathe; so he pushed in just a little bit more. He felt  drool begin to pour over his cock, spilling in streams down his shaft and sliding over his balls before dripping into his chair. On the table top above her, his hands opened and closed; his fingers flexed. It was as though they were looking to grab onto something, very roughly; her hair, or perhaps her throat. He pulled his hips back and his cock slid out of her mouth once more, almost groaning aloud as her her tongue curled around him, gripping the underside of his cock as he dragged himself through her mouth. He pulled himself out and grinned with satisfaction as she gasped for air. He gave her two time for two  inhales, before cramming himself into her mouth once more. 


He thrust forward hard, again, and again, barely noticing when his fists  banged down on the table top. He stared unseeingly at the computer screen and opened his mouth to speak, but nothing emerged. The blood had abandoned his brain and rushed to more exciting venues, eager to throw down and get involved in this horseplay. As he pushed his way to the back of her throat again, his hips propelled him forwards, providing him better torque for cramming himself in to the hilt. In his enthusiasm, he drove too far, nearly unseating himself with his next thrust at her face. He only just managed to right himself when she caught him by the knees and pushed him back onto his seat. Then, with his cock fully inside her dripping mouth and with her no doubt completely unable to breathe, she slid her hands over the sides of his hips and grabbed him by the buttocks. Then she pushed herself away from him before digging her fingers into the muscles of his ass and driving him, hard, into the depths of her throat. 


As she powered his thrusts and withdrawals by controlling his hips, he stared at his computer monitor, unable to focus his eyes. He hoped no one was aware of his antics, but he was too far gone to stop now, even if they did notice something was amiss. 


Suddenly his bound hands leapt off the desktop, as though they had been shot out of a canon. They fell into his lap, then disappeared beneath the tabletop. His body began to follow, but he was soon brought up short when his ribs abruptly slammed against the edge of his desk with a bang. What the fucking fuck was happening?!?  He tried to pull his hands back out, and was rewarded with another hard yank from beneath the desk. He heard the clinking of steel once again. 


It was a chain, he thought dazedly. There must be a chain, attached to his wrist cuffs. He felt a bit hysterical. She was holding his wrists so tightly, he wouldn’t retrieve even an inch  from this underworld she had created beneath his desk. In order to command his chain, she  had been forced to release her grip on his hips; yet his cock remained firmly embedded inside her mouth.  


You know what? He thought to himself, with a sudden burst of adrenaline. Fuck it. Fuck this. His self control snapped; his hips shot forward to edge of his chair again and he yanked back control of his bound wrists, grabbing her head and shoving  his bound arms around it. Then he grabbed the back of her skull with both hands and pushed HER head down, positioning her exactly where he wanted her, where she could best swallow his dick whole. He held her tightly in place and thrust himself into her hard, again and again and again. 


He felt drool pouring from her lips once  again, covering has face and his cock and his balls.  He heard the satisfying slap of his body against her wet face with each buck of his hips. He knew she couldn’t breath, yet she stayed with him; she didn’t tap out. Knowing how much she loved choking on his dick made him thrust into her throat even harder, even faster. Then, with her head held firmly between his bound hands, he crammed himself into to hilt and held himself inside her. He felt her throat trying to close over him, again and again and again; the saliva streaming down and covering them both. He pushed in a little further, his dick so hard, he felt it could break down doors. He felt her jaw unhinging, trying to accommodate him all; desperate to take him all the way in. He bucked hard against her throat, then used his bound hands to bob her head up and down on his cock; just enough to remind her of who was really in charge, here. Then he yanked himself out again and let her gasp in a few breaths. But, only a few. Then he was on her again, pushing his way through those swollen lips and powering over  that cupping tongue and then  slamming into the hot, wet  confines of her tender throat, the way she liked it. He bobbed her head wildly, navigating her sloppy wet mouth just to his liking, whilst his rock hard dick stayed stationary. He felt her hands suddenly grabbing his thighs, her fingers digging hard  into the muscles. He thought she was trying to balance herself, but soon her fingers were pushing him onwards. Her excitement was palpable; it further inflamed him, pushing him to the edge of reason. He thought those fingers were speaking for her, begging him, “Cum in me, Mr. Hobbs. Cum  right down my throat; please, please, please, Mr. Hobbs.” The thought of her wanting this, wishing for him to cum down her throat, knowing how badly she wanted it, for him to shoot his load right down her throat, made him roughly pull her face right into his lap and fuck her as hard as he could. Her fingers dug into his thighs hard, her nails scratching his skin, and he knew she was excited, too. Well, then, it was time to give her what she wanted. He drove himself into her throat and then held her there as he started to climax; then his dick spasmed and cum shot out of him, right into the back of  her throat. He held her rigidly in place as he pulsed inside her, feeling her mouth filling up; with all the saliva, with his cum, all of it exactly what she wanted from him, all wrapped tightly around his dick. When he was finally spent, he quickly withdrew, then tightened his biceps around her face; this forced her mouth to remain closed, so she would  swallow his load, like the good little whore that she was. He felt her throat working as she swallowed his load, once, twice; he released her, and as she gasped for air from the floor beneath him, he reached his bound hands back up over the desktop and slammed closed the lid of his laptop. 


Session. Over. 

Thursday, May 16, 2013

That Looks Painful

Last week, Gigi took me to Cirque du Soliel at the Stampede show grounds. Pretty much every Canadian you meet has seen Cirque at least once, except for me. This was my first time.

It was incredible. Words can't describe, so here's some pics. And if you get the chance, go see it. It's totally worth it.











Sunday, May 12, 2013

"Thumping" Ain't Just For Your Neighbours Downstairs

Happy Mother's Day from the Canadian Pork Industry!

This was on W5 today.

Maybe they hate mothers.

*very graphic+violent material*


Friday, May 10, 2013

This Makes Me Cry

Yes, that IS me.

We played this song all the time at my dance studio, and in my high school dance classes as well. I've also used it in dozens of relaxation and meditation classes, forced though they may have been.

Now my skin just crawls whenever I hear it. THANKS A LOT, CBS.

Though I guess I didn't have to download the song and play it on repeat for four hours.

Excuse the commercial...


Sunday, November 25, 2012

Happiness











The best book I bought this year...




.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Burn


This world rejects me
This world threw me away
This world never gave me a chance
This world's gonna have to pay

~ Nine Inch Nails


Oooooops. Sorry for the long wait. I know I said that I would post pics "tomorrow", as in "the next day", as in "the day after the show", as in "24 hours later". But what I MEANT was "I will post them in a week or so if I ever get my shit together".

So...the show didn't go exactly as planned. We had a start time of 12:45; at 11:30 someone came running up to us and said, "You're next!" We had about five minutes to get ready, which is kinda stressful when you're playing with fire and piercing your groodies. We pretty much doused the entire dressing room in accelerant before making our way onstage for our set. There were a couple of minor choreography hiccups; Dee discovered that piercing her boob and then lighting it on fire is actually quite heavy; the stagehands forgot to sweep up the salt after the piercing show; I completely forgot every-fucking-thing I was supposed to do the moment we stepped onto the stage. But the best cock-up was saved for last... we were about a quarter of the way into our third and final song, when the music just....stopped. Stopped dead, for like ten whole seconds, and then some  kissy face R&B song came on instead. Dee just kept twirling her fire, she was a total star, but needless to say, it kinda ruined the atmosphere.

But enough of that. Without further ado, here are The Dark Carnival Dolls...

BonBon and her poi...



Dee piercing her groodies...







Dee spinning fire...




Kage, BonBon and Dee

And the evening ended with no casualties. The End.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Girls On Fire

Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee



Time square in outer space 
I kick the move right in your face 
Satanic fantasies 
Get it, she want it 

She's on fire 
That girl's on fire 
Burn me up, burn me up 

~ Rob Zombie


Last night, Dee, BonBon and I met for our last rehearsal of their fire act, the Dark Carnival Dolls. The performance is tonight, in just a couple of hours actually, and I have surprised myself by not being in the least bit nervous. Not yet, anyway. The calm I am wallowing in now only tells me that there will be a true shit storm when it is time to go onstage. I know this because yesterday was the first time I had truly come to terms with what I had gotten myself into, assisting in a fire act. I only realized last night just how close I am going to getting to...well, the fire act.

We have rehearsed every night this week, but last night was the first time we did it with fire. BonBon went first with her flaming snakes, which actually made quite an impressive show - except the first run through, when she hadn’t shaken off enough of the excess gas and ended up throwing little fireballs everywhere. I looked up in alarm at the huge tree squatting in the middle of the yard, then turned to Dee. 

“Where’s the fire extinguisher?” I asked nervously.

“In my truck,” Dee answered mildly, still watching BonBon’s show.

When it was Dee’s turn, she ended up with too much accelerant on her torches and the flames were HUGE, coming very close to her face. Amazingly, she just kept going, swinging the fans through the dark night air as though they couldn’t possibly hurt her. And then there was me, screaming every time the fire got too close to Dee or BonBon and I thought someone was going to get burned, and completing each step of my choreography while leaning as far away as possible from each girl and her fire.

Dee and BonBon thought it was pretty funny, howling with laughter every time I screamed with fear or ran away from their flames. They were amused. I thought I might throw up. 

What have I gotten myself into? I HATE fire! It HURTS!

Too late to pull out now, though; we’re onstage in four hours. We each know our choreography pretty well, and have gone over it a number of times, though honestly I wish we had a bit more time to practice. You know, with the fire. So I can stop screaming. At least we are going on kinda late tonight, which is always helpful. People will be drunk by then, and much easier to impress. 

The theme for tonight's is the circus, and the Carnival Dolls are decking ourselves out in black and red. We are wearing corsets and tutus and stockings, and our hair and makeup are really crazy and out there. I know this, because I just stopped at Fanny’s Fabrics to get some ribbon and nobody would talk to me. Dee found our music, a creepy but brilliant band called The Circus Contraption. It’s going to be something else.

I’ll post lots of pictures tomorrow, if I live.

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Friday, June 29, 2012

The Fragile, The Frail


           "My self keeps slipping away...right into Kage..."



...tried to save myself
but my self keeps slipping away...


~ Nine Inch Nails




I was up at the bright and ungodly hour of 6 am this morning to help my parents load up their cars. They were taking off for five days to Radium, a beautiful little town in the mountains of British Colombia, about a three hour drive from Calgary.

I helped my father get their kayaks onto each vehicle; no easy feat, as those bloody things are a lot heavier than they look. I decided to go in and brew some coffee, both to help me stay awake and so my parents would have something to drink on their long drive out west.

I was in the kitchen pouring coffee into travel mugs when I heard my dad open the front door. “Kage, I need you,” he called. “Quick.”

“Fucking kayaks,” I muttered to myself, but I slammed my feet into my runners and took off out the door, imagining a kayak on the driveway and my dad in a panic.

I clomped along the front lane, trying to cram my feet into my shoes as I went. I got to the gate and saw my mother lying on the pavement, my dad kneeling at her head.

“Shit!” I yelled and broke into a run. I dropped onto the pavement in front of my mum. “Mum. Mum! What happened? Can you hear me?”

My mother stared straight ahead, opening and closing her mouth like a fish out of water. Her glasses lay half a foot away on the pavement, cracked. Her head was lying directly on the driveway.

“Mum! Can you hear me?” I asked, peering into her face. Which should shake anyone out of a coma, since I didn’t bother to take off my makeup last night.

“Yes,” she finally gasped. I breathed a sigh of relief.

“Momma, did you hit your head?” I asked her.

“No,” she said after a moment, still gasping to catch her breath.

We went through the various parts of her body to see where she had landed, what had been injured. I didn’t have a clue what I was doing; I just remembered something about concussions and not letting someone go to sleep. Well, I was keeping this woman bloody awake, if I had to tell her I was pregnant with the Prime Minister’s baby to do so.

Eventually we ascertained that she had caught the toe of her shoe in the pavement and had twisted her back when she fell, bouncing off the back of Dad’s truck before she hit the concrete. She had scratched up her arm pretty badly but it wasn’t broken, and though she was already getting sore, we were able to get her up and into the house.

As Dad and I placed her gently on the couch, I couldn’t help but congratulate myself for my cool head in a crisis. Good thing I was so in control of my emotions, I thought proudly, good thing I didn’t really feel anything anymore and could be counted on in a tough situation; good thing I was so cold and hard inside, so far beyond succumbing to my emotions, good thing I was so -

Dad walked away to get some Tylenol, and I suddenly threw my arms around my mother and began to cry hysterically. “Mummy, oh god, Mummy,” I howled as I sobbed into her neck. “When I saw you on the pavement, I thought you were dead. I’m so glad you’re okay, Mummy. I’m so glad you’re okay. I’m so glad you’re okay. I'm so glad you're okay.” I kept repeating it over and over as I wept all over my mother’s shirt.

Poor mum. “There, there, Kage,” she said softly, patting my head and still trying to catch her breath. “I’m okay, honey. I’m okay. But could you please get off me? I can’t breath.”

“Oh,” I sniffed, and released my death grip upon her. “Right. Sorry.”

As I sat beside her and held her hand, I wondered, Where the fuck did that come from??? This woman and I fight like cats and dogs, we’re always at each other’s throats and I spend half the day avoiding her so we don’t have to fight. So what happened to my cool, emotionless heroism in the face of danger? What happened to “Good thing I don’t feel anything anymore", in-control-of-my-emotions Kage?

Good thing I’m such a bumbling fucking idiot, more like.

And good thing my mummy is okay.



Thursday, June 21, 2012

Master Exploder


"Good afternoon, Madame. Are you with the bride or the groom?"





I did not mean (he did not mean)
to blow your mind (to blow your mind)
But that shit happens to me
all the time


~ Tenacious D


I have been dancing for a while now. After a certain number years, you think you’ve seen it all, and you prolly have; stags are pretty generic, all following roughly the same script and schedule. Even the oddities seem to follow a certain order, all seem to have similarities.

But this weekend, something happened that has never happened to me at a stag before, not in my thirteen years in this industry. It was my first time!

I ended up dancing for a group of professional dancers. Which, by the way, is just awful. They weren’t professional dancers in the way that I am a professional dancer - as is, I take off my top and giggle, and have a license from the city - but REAL professional dancers; three of them were from a local company called Decidedly Jazz Danceworks, another had just finished a tour with The Lion King, and one of them had featured last season on So You Think You Can Dance. Luckily I didn’t know most of this until after my show, or I would have been too embarrassed to leave the bathroom after I had gone in there to change.

The bathroom which, incidentally, I almost wasn’t able to leave, as the door locked shut behind me and the doorknob came off in my hand. Apparently, professional dancing doesn’t pay too much.

After hearing my muted screams, they released me from my bathroom hell, and I met the groom and did my show. He was very sweet and very respectful, my favorite kind of groom, and his friends were great too, cheering him on and even me, exclaiming over all my silly little tricks that they prolly excelled at and exceeded past in their first year of jazz, back when they were five.

When the show was done, I went around the room giving hugs and saying my goodbyes. I chatted with the groom for a few minutes, and he told me about his wedding, which takes place this Saturday somewhere close to Lake Louise.

“My wife, she make all arrangements,” he told me in broken english. “I know is close Lake Louise. You come too.”

I looked up and grinned. Hs friends better jump in soon and help him with his english; he just accidentally invited me to his wedding.

“You come too?” he repeated, and I stared at him.

“Come where?” I asked him.

“To my wedding, Lake Louise,” he said, and my mouth fell open.

“You...you want me to come to your wedding?” I repeated in disbelief.

“Yes!” he smiled, finally understood clearly. “Yes, you come, Saturday.”

I stared, then smiled and shrugged my shoulders. “‘Kaaaaaaaaaaay. I’ll see what I can do.” I reached out and gave him a big hug. “Thank-you for inviting me.”

I couldn’t believe it. In all my years of dancing, I had never been invited to the wedding; and by the groom! I told some of the other guys as I was saying my goodbyes, expressing my incredulousness; the guy who had organized the party just smiled and said, “Ah, he’s Cuban. He doesn’t know any better.”

No shit! Really?

The new wedding cake, when Kagey shows up.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Sniffing In The VIP Area


"Sorry, what? Take off my what? Dude, I can't hear
anything over all this loud music."



Every night with my star friends

We eat caviar and drink champagne

Sniffing in the V.I.P. area

We talk about Frank Sinatra..

"You know Frank Sinatra?"

He's dead!
Hahahahaha!




To be famous seems so nice

Suck my dick, kiss my ass

In limousines we have sex

Every night with my famous friends

Nice...


~ Miss Kittin & The Hacker


I have decided that I am not going to torture everyone by waxing lyrical about the Henry Rollins show last week. At least, not in this post. You guys get enough of that every other time I post. Instead I am just going to link it; if you’re interested at all, you can check it out.

So. I am back to answering the phones for the agency this week, as Gigi has jetted off to Africa to see her family. It’s been interesting, doing this job sober. For once.

This phone never stops ringing. As a natural antisocial hermit, it has taken me a few days to get used to having to become the polar opposite of what I am naturally; to become a social butterfly. This includes answering the phone every time it rings, being friendly to people even when they are rude to me, and listening to male and female dancers go on about how special and irreplaceable they are. I can kind of see why I used to like to be high while doing this job; it does not come naturally to me, discussing thongs for a forty-five minute stretch, or trying to figure out whether tiger print or leopard print is the pattern to make your balls look bigger.

It’s tiger print, by the way.

But I am enjoying the chance to be organized and bookish, to keep business running smoothly at an agency that employs around 30 people, while the owner is away. Incidentally, I also enjoy telling others what to do. I feel it is one of my better features. Better, certainly, than being told what to do.

The only tough part about running the show is that I worry too much, you see; or at least, I do when I am sober. Last year I didn’t really give a shit if you didn’t get paid for your show; it had nothing to do with me, so please leave me alone. But it’s a different ball game now. I want everything to run smoothly; I want all the clients and the dancers to be treated well and to enjoy their functions; at the end of it all, I want to be told that I did a good job.

Lofty goals, I know. But I am determined to succeed.

Once my initial distress at always having to actually answer the phone has abated, I have found that I actually like talking to the customers most of the time. Some are friendly and normal, some are bizarre and rude, and some say things that I am glad I don’t usually have to hear, in my capacity as the performer.

“That one? No, she’s not very pretty.”

“Her? No, she looks like I could just pick her up in a bar.”

“What? HER? Hahahahahaha! Um, no.”

Etc, etc. And I just think, Ouch! Luckily no one has said anything mean about my picture yet, since that would be really hard to hear, and I would probably end up sending them a midget dancer of the wrong sex by mistake. Someone who likes the thrill of the chase and has ingested too much Ecstasy. Heh heh.

Most of the time, though, it’s fun talking to the clients when they call to make their bookings. Usually they are really exited about booking their friend’s bachelor or bachelorette party and are very friendly, though every now and then they will keep me on my toes with their varied statements and requests.

“We only want a twelve minute show,” one woman told me yesterday. “Not a second longer. And we want him to go down to a thong.”

“Ew, really?” I said without thinking. “I mean...ah...wouldn’t a nice boxer brief be sexier? You know, like David Beckham.”

“No,” she said firmly. “It’s gotta be a g-string.”

“Fine,” I sighed, and then went through hell trying to get a male dancer who didn’t balk at the very idea. The whole process left me pondering my existence and the question that I think plagues all of us, throughout our lives: What is the difference between a g-string and a thong, anyway?

Another customer didn’t bother to sugar coat anything, and gave it to me straight. “We don’t like fake boobs,” he announced when I suggested a beautiful blond waitress for his party. “Are her boobs real?”

“No, they’re imaginary,” I smirked.

“What?”

“I said ‘They’re legendary’,” I enunciated loudly.

“Oh.” A long pause. “But are they real?”

“They’re real nice,” I offered brightly, and then booked her anyway.

There is always a lesson to be learned in this industry. And that lesson is, be nice to me, or I’ll send you an inflatable sheep to dance at your bachelor party.

"Hi, I'm Lateasa! From the agency?"

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...