Thursday, June 21, 2012

Master Exploder


"Good afternoon, Madame. Are you with the bride or the groom?"





I did not mean (he did not mean)
to blow your mind (to blow your mind)
But that shit happens to me
all the time


~ Tenacious D


I have been dancing for a while now. After a certain number years, you think you’ve seen it all, and you prolly have; stags are pretty generic, all following roughly the same script and schedule. Even the oddities seem to follow a certain order, all seem to have similarities.

But this weekend, something happened that has never happened to me at a stag before, not in my thirteen years in this industry. It was my first time!

I ended up dancing for a group of professional dancers. Which, by the way, is just awful. They weren’t professional dancers in the way that I am a professional dancer - as is, I take off my top and giggle, and have a license from the city - but REAL professional dancers; three of them were from a local company called Decidedly Jazz Danceworks, another had just finished a tour with The Lion King, and one of them had featured last season on So You Think You Can Dance. Luckily I didn’t know most of this until after my show, or I would have been too embarrassed to leave the bathroom after I had gone in there to change.

The bathroom which, incidentally, I almost wasn’t able to leave, as the door locked shut behind me and the doorknob came off in my hand. Apparently, professional dancing doesn’t pay too much.

After hearing my muted screams, they released me from my bathroom hell, and I met the groom and did my show. He was very sweet and very respectful, my favorite kind of groom, and his friends were great too, cheering him on and even me, exclaiming over all my silly little tricks that they prolly excelled at and exceeded past in their first year of jazz, back when they were five.

When the show was done, I went around the room giving hugs and saying my goodbyes. I chatted with the groom for a few minutes, and he told me about his wedding, which takes place this Saturday somewhere close to Lake Louise.

“My wife, she make all arrangements,” he told me in broken english. “I know is close Lake Louise. You come too.”

I looked up and grinned. Hs friends better jump in soon and help him with his english; he just accidentally invited me to his wedding.

“You come too?” he repeated, and I stared at him.

“Come where?” I asked him.

“To my wedding, Lake Louise,” he said, and my mouth fell open.

“You...you want me to come to your wedding?” I repeated in disbelief.

“Yes!” he smiled, finally understood clearly. “Yes, you come, Saturday.”

I stared, then smiled and shrugged my shoulders. “‘Kaaaaaaaaaaay. I’ll see what I can do.” I reached out and gave him a big hug. “Thank-you for inviting me.”

I couldn’t believe it. In all my years of dancing, I had never been invited to the wedding; and by the groom! I told some of the other guys as I was saying my goodbyes, expressing my incredulousness; the guy who had organized the party just smiled and said, “Ah, he’s Cuban. He doesn’t know any better.”

No shit! Really?

The new wedding cake, when Kagey shows up.

33 comments:

  1. I suppose that would be a rare event, would you go?

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  2. Kage, baby, you've just got that winning knack of making people think you're their friend. If you ever danced for me, I'd invite you to my grooming-and-massage session without a second thought. Just make sure he's not asking you to come as his date.

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  3. I don't know, it could be a pleasant experience when you introduce yourself to the bride as the woman who danced for her new husband. If she really arranged everything then she was fine with his stag do, and she should be fine with his stripper. Personally though I don't think I would go if I was you.

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  4. LMBO... this is GREAT!!

    Bless his heart... I think he's in love anew!!!

    ~shoes~

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  5. Angry Lurker,
    you know, if it wasn't over three hours away, i might actually consider it ;)

    GB,
    so what you're saying is, you wanna eat bugs out each other's hair?

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  6. Mark,
    i think she prolly arranged everything but this lol

    Shoes,
    what a sweetie hey? a slightly misguided sweetie ;)

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  7. free food and drinks... SCORE ;)

    I'm sure Trent would appreciate the road trip :)

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  8. Paulie,
    i was more afraid trent might DIE on the road trip lol

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  9. Well, now you HAVE to go! It's rude to turn down an invite! And you need to blog about it!

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  10. I have to agree with Rafa.

    As a regular reader of this blog, I'm horrified that you would even consider turning down something so blogworthy.

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  11. go ! what a story it will make :)

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  12. I don't think he is misguided. It's just the way Latin American people are. Funny ones.

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  13. Oh, but how can you not go? Free food, single men, and decent music. If he's smart, he won't tell his wife how he met you.

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  14. So... You're not supposed to have the services of an exotic dancer at weddings?

    Huh.

    Learn something new every day.

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  15. Considering some of the boring weddings I've been to lately, having the dancer from the bachelor party show up might be just what those things need to spice them up.

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  16. You must have left quite the impression on this groom. I'm sure his soon to be wife would love for your to be there to liven up the event...or not! You are sweet though, you didn't break his heart.

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  17. This guy broke every rule of stripper rules. Actually, inviting the stripper to your wedding is kind of an unspoken rule.

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  18. it doesn't hurt to make new friends. If the guy wanted to invite you, good for him... and shame on anyone that doesn't see you for the real you. Unspoken stripper rules? are you kidding me? Being a dancer is a job, not your life. I would personally enjoy meeting someone like you at a wedding, not only for your beauty, but also because you're very smart <3

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  19. Rafa,
    Damn right! That is reason enough to go right there ;)

    Katy,
    You're right. I HAVE been neglecting my duties as a shit disturber.

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  20. Jaya,
    Everyone thinks I should go!

    Valentina,
    That's actually what one of his friends said too :)

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  21. Nellie,
    Oooh Christ, I hope he's smart lol

    Mike,
    No no! Strippers always go to weddings! I was just saying that as a joke. Definitely take one to your next wedding, and then let me know how it goes...

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  22. Vinny,
    Yeah, strippers always spice things up ;)

    Randy,
    Honestly if I went, I would be SO demure and would never tell!

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  23. Dr. Kenny,
    i have actually been thinking of publishing a book of stripper rules. you know, just so we're all on the same page lol

    Paulie,
    aw paulie, don't let anyone put your nose out of joint about the stripper rules, i think dr. kenny was just kidding around. but i do appreciate how quick you are to jump to my defence and proclaim to all the world how special i am. you're a good friend :)

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  24. Wow...just wow. I am NOT surprised to hear that doesn't happen often. That's pretty special...then again you ARE amazing so I kinda get it! :)

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  25. Hey, think of it as a huge compliment. And it can't be THAT weird. How do you think we found a maid of honor for my wife on short notice? (Thanks Diamond Baby!)

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  26. Jewels,
    tis true, i am kinda short bus special ;)

    Beer4Shower,
    omigod, that is so sweet! lol

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  27. this will make a great story

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  28. When the story started I was afraid that being professional dancers that they had been rude, but that's awesome that they were so sweet AND even invited you to the wedding.

    (I really wish you had gone because that would've been one helluva story I'm sure ;) )

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  29. Ha,i was reading the end of it and i thought you would write 'and then i did jazz hands'. In England porn is sometimes called jazz, like porno magazines are called jazz mags. This might be very confusing for your Cuban groom should he ever visit England. It must be nerve wracking to dance in front of others, or do you get used to it?

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  30. Becca,
    i totally should have gone...

    Kat,
    i thought they would have been too, i was so relieved that they were so nice

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  31. Sunder,
    it's a funny mix of both, you do get used to it, but at the same time there is always a bit of nervousness for each new group of people...

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  32. So chick, did you got to the wedding? That is well weird inviting you ....... not that you aren't lovely or anything .... he doesn't know you!

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