Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Well...THAT Was Embarrassing

THIS is why I can't get out of bed in the morning...

Trent and I were on our way home from work last night, taking our usual route of 14th street to Crowchild Trail. I was blasting an audiobook by Jennfer Weiner, a collection of short stories titled The Guy Not Taken, which by the way doesn’t make any sense to me at all. There hasn’t yet been a single story about a guy not taken, let alone a whole collection of them. But then, who the fuck am I?

Anyway, as Trent and I were chugging along the busy road, I felt a curious tweak of intuition, one that I had felt while driving to work that morning, that told me something was wrong with Trent. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it; something just felt weird. I turned down my audiobook and then flicked off the A/C so I could listen for a second, and that’s when I heard it.

Trent had a flat tire.

What the fuck? I wondered, as I pulled off the busy road and into a Safeway parking lot. These tires were brand spanking new, as of a couple of months ago. I would be so pissed if one of them was already useless.

I parked Trent and got out to take a look. But every single tire looked fine to me; I even kicked them to appear like I had some idea of what I was doing, but they were all full of air and firm. I did not have a flat tire.

What should I do? I wondered. I decided I should just get Trent home and ask Dad to have a look at him and tell me what’s up. Trent had just been in the shop a week ago to get his A/C fixed, but I couldn’t imagine how that could in any way be related to the sound of a flat tire.

I pulled back into traffic and stopped at a red light. When the light changed to green I accelerated and went through the intersection, and suddenly Trent woobled dangerously in my hands and BAM! The back of the truck dropped out from underneath me.

“FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!” I screamed as Trent and I slammed to a violent halt. I put the car in park, then put my shaking hand to my pounding heart. “What the fucking fuck just fucking happened?” I cried.

“My father raised his head, and his look hardened. ‘Is that all you’ve got for your old man?’ he demanded harshly...”

I punched the power on the CD player with my free hand. “Shut up, Jessica! I’m busy,” I moaned, and reached for the door handle.

I could feel all the eyes of rush hour traffic upon me as I stepped out of my car and looked back towards the intersection. A yellow truck had stopped a few car lengths behind me, and a guy about my age was just getting out of the driver’s side door. He leaned down to the ground and picked up a big black tire from the meridian, and started walking towards Trent and I.

I looked back at my Trent. The rear driver’s side tire had somehow morphed into a bright orange, ugly piece of rusted steel that sat directly on the pavement. I wasn’t 100% certain, but I suspected there had been a tire there when I left the tattoo parlour ten minutes earlier.

“Lose something?” the guy from the yellow truck asked with a grin as he dumped my tire onto the road beside Trent.

I felt a bit of relief; he wouldn’t be smiling if my tire had actually gone through his windscreen and decapitated his children. Well.  One would assume.

“I don’t think so...” I twirled my hair and stuck out my hip. He laughed, then reached into hie pocket and pulled out a cell phone.

“Need to call anyone?” he asked.

“No, I’m good,” I said, and gestured to Trent. “I’ve got my phone with me.”

He nodded and walked back to his truck, pulling out into traffic again with a wave and driving off. I reached into the car for my cell phone, then called Roadside Assistance and my dad. I started packing up as much stuff as I could possibly cram into my purse and my gym bag, dumping the bags onto the meridian and stuffing them full of books and costumes and stripper shoes from my car.

“You okay there?” I heard a voice say to my butt as I was stretched across the backseat, trying to dislodge my makeup bag from underneath the seat. I pulled back out of the truck and saw a man standing in front of me, laying his bicycle to rest on the pavement beside my tire.

Allen, as it turned out, knew a lot about cars. “You lost your fleeber flabber and your gazoobadunk,” he explained a few minutes later, pointing to various bits and pieces of my vehicle.

“Mmmmm, yes, of course,” I nodded thoughtfully as he spoke. “Yes, the gazoobadunk. That’s what I thought, too.”

He came up with a plan to get my tire back on temporarily and to get Trent off to the side of the road to wait for the tow truck. He set to work, lying on the ground underneath my truck, beside his abandoned bicycle.

And that’s when the ambulance pulled up.

Two paramedics jumped out and came running towards us. I looked up in surprise. “I’m okay,” I called out to them. “No worries, I’m fine.”

Such a lot of fuss over lil’ old me, I thought gleefully to myself, patting my hair down and blushing prettily.

Allen slid out from underneath Trent, and assessed the situation and what was actually going on.

“She didn’t hit me,” he called out to the paramedics as he stood up, and they immediately pulled up short.

“Oh thank god,” one of the said, slapping Allen cheerfully on the back. “We saw the bike beside the car and you underneath it and thought...”

They all had a good laugh. I sniffed haughtily and turned away. Oh I’m FINE, thanks! I wanted to yell.

Allen went back to work on Trent’s tire and the paramedics started directing traffic. I continued to "Mmm-Hmm" my support for Allen as he took a “lug nut” from each of Trent’s other tires and reattached my fourth wheel.

Suddenly there was another young man with us, chatting with Allen and the paramedics about what had happened. I figured he was just another looky-lou, and I thought, how rude to come all the way over here just to be nosy. What a douche.

“So, can I just get your name and number?” he finally said to me.

My mouth dropped open. You’re hitting on me NOW? I thought wildly. WTF?!

“And just who are YOU?” I demanded of him, hands on my hips.

“Uh...your tire flew off and hit my car?” the young guy said.

“...oh,” I said. “Right. Of course.”

We exchanged names, numbers and insurance info, then Allen suggested I go and take a picture of the kid’s car and the damage. I left Allen and Trent and the paramedics and walked across the street to the other car.

“So, could I just get you to sign something, saying that the accident was your fault?” the kid asked as we waited at the lights to cross the street.

I laughed and clapped my hands with delight. “Yeah, right,” I grinned at him.

He didn’t see the humor. “Why not?” he demanded.

I laughed again, thinking, what am I, a fucking idiot? I stuck my nose up in the air and said as regally as I could, “I will not be signing anything without my solicitor present.”

He rolled his eyes, but he didn’t press the matter, so I assumed I had done a good impression of a person with a solicitor. Or who could spell solicitor.

Eventually all was solved; Trent was packed up and towed off to the mechanic’s, Allen was dispatched home with a sweaty kiss and my blubbering gratitude, and the paramedics went off to find an actual accident. And now it is just me at home on my own, missing Trent and hoping this little incident didn’t cost more than, say, $20 to repair.

Fingers crossed, people!




  1. You were so right not to sign anything. Honest men don't ask girls in distress to sign things - he would have slipped in a clause requiring you to be his concubine for 17 weeks. Did your sweaty kiss give Allen a boner? Of course it did, why am I even asking?

  2. Um... Yeah! Uh... $20 should be enough to get that beby good as new in no time.

    *nervous chuckle*

  3. Never a dull moment! At least it wasn't the kids from the parlor stalking you on the way home with you forever in their debt for not reporting it to the insurance and raising your rates. *cringe*

  4. Yikes, if the Repair shop doesn't cover the cost of that particular event I would take them to small claims.

  5. you were so right not to sign anything. that was very smart thinking on your part. glad you are okay


  6. Ouch, poor Trent :( It ended better than when my brother crashed though. Still that was an actual crash, not just a blown tire. The paramedics were pretty smart to pull up just in case, but that was pretty damn embarrassing. I hope the accident doesn't cost too much to cover.

  7. At least you got lots of help, sort of. Hope insurance takes care of it and that your deductable isn't too high. In fact....the tires are probably still under warrenty. Glad you didn't get hurt.

  8. You had a lucky escape and your damsel in distress beacon worked fine, glad you're alright!

  9. Sounds like the jokers that did your tire job didn't quite have all their screws (lugnuts) tight if ya know what I mean! That is bunk glad you didn't get hurt or hurt anyone in the process. $20? Yes, let's hope!

  10. Reminds me of a time when i was involved in the loss of a trailer in the middle of an intersection as me and a mate were toodling along.
    oh yeah did i happen to mention that it had a fishing boat tethered to it?
    we didnt realise until we were half a k away haha...
    anyway, hope your kagemobile gets better real soon!

  11. You know... a word of caution here... I've known of women who have had people loosen the lug nuts on their tires... so that things like this would happen. They were being tailed by the person who had loosened said lug nuts. You may have been fortunate.

    I hope it was as innocent as you suggest...


  12. Hahaha, it took me almost a paragraph before i realised trent was your car, first i thought it was your dog then maybe some guy or your dad. Well at least you are safe.ugh.. i hate motorways, when the trucks fly by and i don't even drive. And whenever we drive over a bridge i immediately get paranoid it will drive off it. Least you got lots of help, everyone is kind that day.

  13. You know you never have a dull moment. I'm glad you are ok and I hope Trent gets up and running soon. Talk to the place that did your tires. They didn't torque the lugs. That can get them sued. Make sure you check into this. If it all works out $20.00 just might cover this. Luv ya Kiddo!

  14. Nothing like that has ever happened to me, but certainly my car has decided to throw a tantrum in the middle of traffic. And you know how many people helped me? None. Cars passed by with drivers yelling at me, offering me drugs, but none stopped.

  15. Glad you are okay!

    And I want to read more if this Allen guy gets more than just a kiss.

  16. GB,
    Actually, Allen had a boner from the moment he started talking to my butt.

    If it turns out to be more than $20, you are SO paying for it lol

  17. Jewels,
    Our new artist got to meet the Teenage Fan Club this week; he was appalled. It was hilarious.

    I did kinda wonder about that...

  18. Becca,
    I was lucky that for some reason I always remembered that you are never supposed to actually admit it was your fault; even if it was!

    Yeah, at least no one got hurt. And I got Trent back the next day - only $60!

  19. Middle Child,
    Thank-you :) I did get pretty lucky, for my first accident ever.

    Angry Lurker,
    Thank-you, Francis!

  20. Randy,
    Yeah, no one ever told me to come back and have them torqued after 100 kms. Apparently it's in the fine print, though. Which is helpful.

    Hahaha! Ah fuck, that's funny ;)

  21. Red Shoes,
    I'll be honest, I did briefly wonder if maybe the mechs had something to do with it; Trent was just in the week before, and it seems like every time he goes in for something, two weeks later something else breaks. It happens every time, I swear.

    I was really lucky so many people stopped to help me that day, though I waaaas wearing a really short skirt ;)

  22. So you're the reason crowchild was backed up? You made me late for. . . I'm sure I was late for something! I'm glad you're okay though and glad that Trent is better!

  23. Uncle Petey,
    someone told me that it is written in the fine print on your receipt that they are not responsible for checking the lug nuts, you are :( but they at least could have fecking told me about it!

    i'm sorry, babe. that really sucks :(

  24. Dr. Kenneth Noisewater,
    whoa whoa whoa! you gotta fix more than my lug nuts for that.

    haha! bet you didn't know i even had super powers, did ya?

  25. Oh dear! Lucky you had all the help you could have and hope the bill was not horrendous !
    I had a similar incident 2 weeks ago. Sigh. My car was in the workshop getting serviced while I took out someone else's car which broke down while I was making a u-turn. Well, long story short, I was lucky to have had some nice ppl to help me with eveything the whole day! Still, I hate stalling vehicles. It's as if my luck is such I've just had too many such incidences!hahah

  26. Jaya,
    me too! i've been really lucky, in that i have never been in a major accident, but it seems like all the little things happen to poor trent, more so now that he is in his golden years...

  27. Wow!! What were those men at that tire shop thinking really. They should know a spun out hailed out riper would never have the common sence of other women. And just know they have to be checked. Please tell us you know what a block heater cord is or that you could boost your self. What would you do if you got a flat tire? Well kiddo you are always good for a good old laugh. Misss you ;)


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