Thursday, May 3, 2012

Bitch Please

"Oh yeah, bitches! Who wants to go for a 

I have no love for hoes
That's somethin I learned in the pound
So how the fuck am I supposed
To pay this hoe, just to lay this hoe
I know the pussy's mines, I'ma fuck a couple more times
And then I'm through with it, there's nothing else to do with it
Pass it to the homie, now you hit it
Cause she ain't nuthin but a bitch to me
And y'all know, that bitches ain't shit to me

~ Snoop Dogg  (there is a context to this, I promise...)

This past weekend was my first show back in the three weeks since Dreamgirls received a customer complaint about how thin I had become. I have put on six pounds since then, and was feeling pretty good when I arrived at the Four Points by Sheraton for my show on Saturday night.

The group of guys was from Taber, a small city about three hours southeast of Calgary, who were in town to celebrate their buddy’s stag. They had booked out a handful of smaller rooms and one big suite on the third floor of the luxurious hotel. After meeting me in the lobby and escorting me upstairs, I was then left alone in one of their rooms to snoop through their belongings get ready for my show. I got dolled up in my pink Shania Twain leopard-print jacket and shorts, but as I was collecting my bag to walk down the hall to the party, I realized I had forgotten my iPod in the car.

“Crap,” I yelled, as the best man knocked on the door and then entered the room.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I left my iPod in the car,” I pouted. “Do you guys have any music in there?”

“Sure, what do you want to listen to?” he asked as he led me down the hotel’s carpeted corridor, the huge caped skirt of my costume billowing out behind me.

“Ummm...” I wasn’t interested in wasting any time tonight trying to make up an acceptable play list; my dogs were in the car, and I wanted to just get my show over with so I could go home and go to bed.

The glamorous life of a stripper! Or not.

“I’ll dance to whatever you guys are listening to,” I smiled breezily, while surreptitiously scrutinizing him from out the corner of my eye. Hmmm. He didn’t look like the type who was going to blast the punk rock and set the curtains on fire. I shook my head in disappointment.

He opened the door and I swept dramatically into the massive hotel suite to the cheers and hollers of the gathered groomsmen. The groom was sitting on one of the pink love seats, and he looked up in surprise as I reached out for his hands and pulled him off of the couch.

“You guys!” he groaned, and everyone laughed as I sat him in a chair in the centre of the room, and started my show.

I like to talk a lot during my show, and so I didn’t really notice the music I was dancing to until about a quarter of the way into my set. My ears finally pricked up when the guys started singing along to the song:

“Cuz bitches ain’t shiiiiiiiiit!”

Now then. NOW THEN. I have no problem with rap music. I even sang along with them, when I wasn’t too busy yammering. But as the songs went on and became more and friendly, I guess? I realized that I had never really bothered to consider the lyrics of rap music before.

I only recently became a punk rock queen. I used to prefer dancing onstage to rap and hip hop, as each had a deeper beat and and a bass line that made me want to move along with it. I also found that audiences in general seemed to prefer it, were more receptive to it. But at some point over the years, my musical tastes evolved and ripened, and I started to get into heavier rock and punk music. I even tried to use some of it onstage, much to the chagrin of all the strip club managers in Calgary. And everywhere. Slowly but surely, rap music got pushed to the background of my musical life. I moved on.

A couple of months ago, I came across Ashley Judd’s autobiography displayed in the Features section at the library. At the time I was obsessed with the plight of women in Africa, thanks to The Caged Virgin, by Ayaan Hirsi Ali. Ashley Judd apparently did a lot of humanitarian aid throughout Africa, and so I eagerly snatched her book off the shelf.

I don’t remember the exact passage, but right at the beginning of the book Ashley describes how she was asked to take part in a benefit concert to raise awareness for women’s issues. A variety of hip hop artists were also involved, including Snoop Dogg and Dre. I guess Ashley Judd found it particularly ironic that, considering rap’s typically misogynistic lyrics, hip hop artists were even welcome to perform at such a function in the first place. I think she may even have declined to participate in the function for this very reason; hip hop music was demeaning to women. How could they promote such a thing?

  I thought about this during my show on Saturday night, as I listened to the guys sing along with Snoop Dogg and his various cronies. I mean homies. How could I not have noticed this before? I wondered, feeling slightly stupid that for years I had pranced around butt naked onstage to such demeaning lyrics. If anyone asked, I decided, I would pretend that actually I had done it tongue-in-cheek to be ironic; not because I was too drunk childish to notice the lyrics.

When I thought about it last weekend after my show, though, I wondered how I felt about it now. I consoled myself with the thought that, hey, rappers dis other guys in their music too, just as much as they dis the women, right? Rival artists, chronic enemies, the peaux peaux (po po?), people who budge in front of them at Starbucks. The men were getting shit on too, weren’t they? So was it really misogynistic? Or was it basically just rude to, well, everyone?

Not that I really think anyone cares about my opinions on music.

<ring> <ring>


Yes, hello, is this Victoria Beckons?

Yes, it is.

This is Helen Thomas, the racist old lady from the New York Times. What can you tell us, your adoring public, about the musical inspiration behind your exalted, epic production of “Slutty School Girl Swings Around On A Pole And Then Takes Everyone’s Money”?

You never know. It could happen.

I think I’ll go and sit by the phone.



  1. If I like the beat then I like the song. And that's how it goes until I hear or can understand the lyrics. It's like,
    Just be sure to remember your I-pod next time! Peace.

  2. The irony of performing to a song that put down women when you are there in a position of power...mind boggling. Another brilliant post, sweets. Next time just think...they may be singing along but they aren't thinking about the lyrics when you are half dressed *or nekked* in front of them...I promise!

  3. I just hope you didn't boner kill them with a speech about how offensive that song is because that's my JAM!

    In all seriousness, yes, the lyrics are offensive, but when I was in college, the ladies sung "Ain't No Fun" and "Gimme''Dat Nut" louder than any of us, so what can you do?

    I was actually singing "Ain't No Fun" at work today, but I noticed I had to edit like every fourth word, so I just gave up.

  4. It's all about the irony my little princess! "they don't know what is what... They just strut... What the fuck!" like you have never seen a girl dance to that? And they just walk around. It's all ironic. Good to see that you have got to the point that you can see that shit. Good job! Now keep waiting for that phone to ring. Miss ya kiddo!

  5. These rapsters deserve a good thrashing for their ungentlemanly attitude to women, but before that happens they should learn to speak the Queen's English, because I can't understand a word of their mumbo-jumbo chanting.

  6. There is such a thing as good rap out there. If you want to strip though then I suggest The 69 Eyes, who have openly said they just wanted to make music people could strip to. Personally I recommend The Chair. There's a lot of misogynism in rap, and I'd find it almost ironic that hip hop artists and rappers, especially those two, some of the most mysgonist of all, were invited to a concert for women.

  7. You were the one in charge regardless of lyrics, I have some rap on my iPod but not a lot!

  8. I have for years been torn between my love of all things bass hitting and booty popping and my highly feministic views. Yes, I love "99 Problems (but a bitch ain't one" by Jay-Z but I hate it at the same time. I usually choose to just nod my head (or shake my ass) while still feeling morally superior in my own mind. I'm complicated!
    Hope your show went well and that the boys were nice to you darling!

  9. I know how you feel, it's stunning the levels of disrespect rap and pornography have for women. Seriously listen to the shit that male pornstars say to women.

  10. yes, well when i am in charge all this silly 'rapping' and 'hip-hopping' will be relegated to the dustbin of history....i mean, a man who cannot even wear his trousers properly, exposing his bvd's to all and sundry has no place at my table...
    im not sure where i was going with that, but yeah, i agree HC!

  11. Consider the source of the lyrics. Sometimes they're just the ramblings of someone whose greatest moment in life is when they get to say, "HEY! That rhymes!"

    Also, hi. I've missed you my friend.

  12. Even if the lyrics weren't one big piss party in women, I never liked rap.

  13. Middle Child,
    you know what the worst part was? my ipod was actually in my bag.

    i like that. i am in a position of power, aren't i?

  14. Dr. Kenny,
    yeah, i'm guilty of singing along, too.

    and "boner kill"? is awesome ;)

    Uncle Peter.
    tee hee! fuck, i used to use that song for my cop set lol.

  15. GB,

    i don't think they understand what they are saying either ;)

    i've not heard of them before, but i looked for them on itunes. definitely good stripping music :)

  16. Francis,
    i bet you have loads of rap on there. you've always totally struck me as a hardcore rap fan ;)

    they were, thank-you darling :)

  17. Convictus,
    aw, but i don't like to watch porn alone..

    tee hee! can't even wear his pants properly. lol

  18. Sugar Free Heather,
    i've missed you too, my darling! it's so nice to talk to you again :)

    Nellie Vaughn,
    i like how deep the bass lines can be, like when you can feel them in your body; so easy to dance to :)

  19. My favorite part of rap is when they talk about busting caps in asses, beating up their bitches and effing up rival homies. Then they end the song with the word PEACE!


  20. hahahah. was just talking to my doctor (he's american white) the other day about this rap language. rap and hip hop can be not too nice to women. i dont do rap but some hip hop is good.

  21. your posts are so funny , believe me that is why i came on your blog to see if you had written more, i was so godamn stress less than an hour ago thanks to these prick motherfuckers i share with. and your stories did make me laugh. Going through their stuff lol.ol. You shoudl one day write a book about yoru expereinces as a stripper i bet they could adapt it to tv.

  22. On a separate note, i wish i had muscle like Henry Rollins...i wonder how many hours he lifts weights?.

  23. WOW just what I was looking for. Came here by searching for concern
    My website - fast weight loss diets


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