Tuesday, April 24, 2012

You Drink, You Drive, You Spill

"Eyes on the road, asshole."

I say don't drink and drive
You might spill your drink
Before you get behind the wheel, just stop & think
You can take your chances
But there's so much to lose
Another bumpy road,
There's so much wasted booze

I'm not so worried
About how many I kill
I'm much more concerned
With how much beer I spill


First off, I wanted to say thank-you to everyone for your lovely comments last week. I really appreciate all of your encouragement and support; you guys mean a lot to me. I have contacted the hospital again and have asked to rejoin the e.d. program.

As for the anonymous commenter who suggested I shit-can my pity party and that if I were really sorry I would apologize...I did. I wrote letters to both those girls and sent them to their homes when they were no longer in hop-sital. And no, I do not have any stupid little brats running around to screw up, so get bent. After all, we can't all be as perfect as you, now can we? I do appreciate your right to voice your opinion and that it may be different than mine, but you don't know fuck all about me or the things I've been through. Perhaps do some research before you come and shit on my blog? I have carefully considered the words you wrote; perhaps you will consider mine.

Now then. It’s time for some good news here at SSS. Too much solemnity makes Kagie a boring-but-still-incredibly-pretty blogger. BOO.

So. Something miraculous has happened. God has chosen to poop rainbows on me (or whatever). After realizing that I was risking my life on a daily basis (I didn’t realize it actually, you guys told me), I was suddenly and inspirationally smacked in the face a few days ago with an viable alternative.

It all started with an automated call from the library, to inform me that a couple of my holds were available for pick up. “Sweet!” I cried, and skipped happily to Trent-the-Tracker to haul ass to the library. But when I arrived, I was in for a terrible shock.

I approached the holds section, and searched for my name on the various bits of paper protruding from books. I lit upon my first hold: “Eva Braun: Life With Hitler”, a selection that was inspired by my personally being compared to a concentration camp victim last week. Strangely enough, what I garnered from that hurtful statement about my gaunt appearance wasn’t so much, “Am I too thin?” as it was, “What do I really know about Eva Braun's fashion sense?”

I plucked the book off the shelf and searched for my second hold. I wasn’t sure what it was; I had several books on order, and the automated system doesn’t bother to tell you which books had arrived. It just said, “Get your lazy ass to the library, fuckface,  or we’ll fine you $2.50”.

I found the slip of paper with my name printed in bold black letters and pulled out what I assumed would be a book. But, strangely, it didn’t look or feel like a book; it was a lightweight, black plastic rectangle that snapped open and closed on one side.

“Auw-dee-oh book?” I read from the sticker on the front of the box. “What the fuck is an auw-dee-oh book?”

I checked the shelf, but there was nothing else on it for me; clearly, I had ordered this abomination, and was obliged to check it out, lest my family starve from the crippling fine.

When I returned to the car, I pulled the box out again and inspected it closely. I tugged it open, and squealed when three CDs plopped out into my lap. “What the fuck?” I wondered aloud. I picked up the first disk and crammed it into Trent’s CD player.

“A Complicated Kindness,” a woman’s voice rang out loudly from Trent’s speakers, “by Miriam Toews.”

“My God,” I breathed. “It’s a BOOK.”

Turns out, some sad lonely woman decided to grab her T Pain Microphone Recorder and recite an entire book onto a cassette tape, which then magically converted itself into a bunch of CDs and called itself an “Auw-dee-oh Book”, or “Audio Book” for the Non Retarded.

As I sat there listening to this woman read, I was reminded of the blog post I had written a few months back, in which I had admitted that I drove to and from work (and everywhere else, for that matter) with a book in my hand, so that every time I was required to take my eyes off the road for more than 2 seconds, I wouldn’t have to waste that time making pointless conversation with myself. I could spend those valuable seconds reading my precious books instead.

And that’s when I remembered all of the concerned readers who had, upon reading that particular blog entry, kindly pointed out that driving and reading at the same time was a pretty good way to die in a fiery crash. I suddenly realized that I held in my hand the magical solution. I had found the key to saving my own life and the lives of my loved ones, plus the lives of anyone driving within three lanes of me.

I didn’t have to stop reading while I was driving! I just had to stop reading with my eyes, and start reading with my ears instead.

And now I can’t help but wonder...why all the secrecy? Why have they been kept from the people, these so-called “Audio Books”? They should be called “Watch The Road While I Tell You Shit” Books. Duh.

To make a long story short, cuz you’re prolly driving while you read this blog entry on your iPhone, I wanted to make it known that I am no longer a menace to society when I am on the roads.

Except, of course, when I’m driving and the book runs out.



  1. Can't you get the Eva Braun biography as an audio book too? I'd love to hear the words "Hitler likes to watch me pee while he plays himself" in a German accent. Maybe you could say it yourself in a German accent?

  2. I've never listen to an audio book I've always thought they take something away from the experience of reading the book yourself but after reading this post I may have to give one a try and see how it goes. be warned they no longer allow me to drive so no one is in danger.

  3. Yeah for semi-regular kage in our lives again. I love audiobooks, I used to be a subscriber to audible.com back in 2000(damn that was a long time ago). Favorite book from that time was Accidental Playboy, about some dude that somehow got selected to be the blogger for some playboy tour around the country. It was sort of nuts.

  4. I'm glad you've discovered audio books. I'm not a big fan of them myself though because I think I'll miss something, or they won't move fast enough for me. I'm also glad you've taken positive steps :) You can do it. Good luck.

  5. I'm not going to lie, I download a shit tonne of Auw-dee-oh Books. Torrents are my friends. I'll buy the actual book to make up for the piracy but yea...

  6. I learned all about audio books after my eye surgery. As an avid reader having owwie peepers was quite the downer. Mom showed up with books on tape so I could lie in the dark and listen...genius. :) Glad you are safer now!

  7. Audio books are fine as long as the person reading the book to you is good at it but fellow drivers on your route will be happy though:P

  8. Ha! Those things rule! In a fun way, not in an Atilla the Hun way....last year when i moved into my new abode i was listening to 'the 39 steps' and it was cool...i went outside for a smoke and one of the neighbours said hello, then politely asked me to keep my booming voice down whilst i walked around my flat (!!!)...

  9. I've thought about getting an audio book for long drives, but that's when I listen to NIN and get road rage. I wouldn't trade that for all the money in the world.

  10. Ha, if you get stuck in traffic and have your windows down your fellow drivers will end up the most educated in the gridlock.
    'What time will you be home?'
    'i don't know i have ot find out what happens at the end of this chapter'.
    You might have a line of cars following you home with them all leaning out the window to hear whats next.I wish libraries were more funded, their going away which is a crying shame for society. But i think a lot of politicians are interested in business and money and are not well educated themselves.

  11. That is like, the first time EVER, and very likely the last one, that I've seen an use for audio books. Keep going Kage, you have an industry to keep all by yourself, hehehehehe.


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