Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Down With The Sickness

"Darling, thin is in! Skinny is the new black!
Trust me, everyone is going to thank you."

It seems that all that is good has died 
and is decaying in me

Open up your hate
and let it flow into me

~ System Of A Down

I don’t write much on my blog anymore. I know why, of course, but instead of dealing with it, I like to snort drugs instead.

Haha! Just kidding.

I like to starve myself.

Whoa! Just kidding, just kidding.



..............not funny? Why not?

Anyhoo, it’s time to deal, so I can start writing again. I’m sick of this shit. I’m sick of being stuck here alone with myself, with no outlet, no escape.

Here’s what happened. When I was in hop-sital last year, I hurt people with my writing. Badly. Two people who really didn’t deserve to be hurt. And though I like to think that I don’t care about anyone and I tried hard to pretend that it didn’t bother me, it did bother me. It bothered me a lot. I bothered me so much that I stopped writing.

What I had written was cruel; I likened one girl to a concentration camp victim, and said that another had the self esteem of a battered blowup doll. And then I let them read it.

In my defense, I thought that they didn’t have internet access in hop-sital, and that I would have time change what I had written into something kinder. I actually liked these two girls, and wanted to write kind, encouraging things about them. I thought that I would have time to change what I had previously written, which had been my first impressions of them, when I didn’t know them. Scathing remarks about the living parts of my scenery in hop-sital, a couple of strangers I didn’t want to know. I never intended to like them or care about them. It was an accident.

I still cringe with shame and turn away from my writing whenever I think of them. I am appalled that what I love so much could do so much damage to someone else.

Then in the spring, I got a taste of my own medicine, I guess, when I tried stepping out of my comfort zone and finally writing some honest shit. I wasn’t doing very well with my eating disorder, and I decided to admit that on my blog, hoping it would help shake me out of my complacency.

I hadn’t written about my eating disorder since the last time I had been in hop-sital, after what I did to those two girls. For some readers who didn’t know my past, I guess it came out of nowhere. One former reader, whom I had also corresponded with by email and text occasionally, read what I wrote and became very angry with me. He wrote me a long email, condemning me for taking anorexia so lightly and for making jokes about it. Didn’t I know how serious anorexia was, that it could kill?

I retreated into the shadows again, hurt and betrayed. I had bared my soul and been condemned for it. I can accept now that he prolly didn’t know my history, he had a right to his opinions, and all the rest of it. But at the time, I felt like my writing had betrayed me. I was embarrassed and ashamed, of myself and my disease and my apparent inability to communicate my suffering, and once again I became unable to write. Every attempt to start again felt dirty and wrong, or cheap and false.

So I became obsessed with books instead. Other people’s words, I decided, were safer than my own. And in true Kagey fashion, I ran this method of escape into the ground, ensuring once again that I don’t have to feel anything.

But while I love reading, and never go anywhere without a couple of books to keep me company, it has not been able to fill the void. I miss the obsession, the complete and total consumption of my soul that writing afforded me. When I wrote, it was okay to let some of those emotions out. That’s what made for good writing, right? And the only obsession of comparable power has always been my eating disorder. My writing and my eating disorder are both huge, all-consuming life forces that do not allow for anything else. You belong to them; you quite literally eat, breathe, sleep and shit an eating disorder, and for me the compulsion to write is just as powerful.

I realized when I started writing a couple of years ago in hop-sital that I could not have both; I had to choose. Writing or eating disorder.

  For the past several months, I have chosen eating disorder. This way, I figured, no one gets hurt. Not even me.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

  And now, I want to claw my way back out, I want to immerse myself with words and typing and pencil editing and printouts and all the other little miracles from my lover, but I can’t. I am trapped. I made my choice, and now I can’t change my mind. The proof that I have made the wrong choice, that I have gone too far, was presented to me on a silver platter this weekend, in the form of an email to my agent, from a client:

“What happened to Victoria Beckons? She used to have such a hot body and great tits. Now she looks cracked out and skeletal, a concentration camp victim with no ass.”

And though that should really bother me, it doesn’t. I am kept warm, safe and protected by my eating disorder. Good Job! it tells me. Look how well you’ve done.

There is a logical part of me trying desperately to be heard, that screams for attention, and I want desperately to listen to it.

  But the truth is, I am drowning. I am too far gone to help myself, and must once again reach out to others to help save me from myself, even though I HATE that. But I am desperate.

  In fact, I am so desperate, I wrote this blog post.

  I want to get better. I think. And unfortunately, that means that YOU are gonna have to hear about it.



  1. This is awesome. Write for yourself! I do. I also just try to be thoughtful. If you aren't, you can be sincere about why not, like you were here.

    Keep writing. It's good for the soul.

  2. I want you to get better, Kage, as I'm sure all your fans do. You have a wonderful ability to express your unique and crazy personality in words, which makes us feel close to you. My email address is in my blogger profile if you want to chat. I'll do whatever I can to help you acquire that big round butt you ought to have.

  3. Wanting to get better is what enables you to actually get better. You do have a lot of strength Kage. No one is ever too far gone, and no one ever will be. Where there's a will, there's a way, might sound cliche but it's really true. Words have the power to hurt. I learned that in school. But they also have the power to help, the power to heal. Which hopefully you'll learn in writing this, and in the comments you get. Try not to let a few assholes spoil your fun. You formed a baseless first impression of those girls, and they shouldn't judge you on that. Fair enough they were right to get a bit pissy at what you said, but you didn't know them then. Who you came to know them to be should have been more important. I give a horrible first impression. I hope you do keep writing, and I hope you can beat your eating disorder. If someone actually says horrible things about you, especially your personal problems you're trying to beat, just set your little blogging minions upon them.

  4. We always hurt the ones we love sometimes, bring the possible cure and writing on Kage.

  5. Oh Kage darling, I'm sorry for your struggles with this damn eating disorder. But I'm also so very proud of you for being brave enough to write again. You reclaimed your voice. You made apologies for feelings that you hurt without intending to do harm. You know that your saving grace, quite literally, is to write your heart out.
    So write. Without fear or worry or editing yourself and your thoughts. This is YOUR space, your safe place, to be you without apology. Be flawed, be scared, be whatever you need to be to get through today and the next one and the next one and many more after that.
    We are here for you babe!!

  6. A good friend of mine in Seattle runs an eating disorder clinic. If you want a change of scene Ramey Nutrition. Scarlett is crazy, maybe just enough to match you.

  7. i say write its the best way to get everything out instead of keeping it in where it can eat away at you and suck the life out of you. So write put everything into your writing and leave it on paper and walk away. sending you lots of love and good vices if i can help in any way just let me know.


  8. I am a lurker.... I rarely comment on any blogs I read. But I really enjoy your writing when you do. It can be harsh, but I get the feeling your world is harsh, so it makes sense. And I love your humor. I am a very different person from you, but at the same time we all have the same insecurities. So I am coming out of the wood work to tell you how much I enjoy your writing and that I hope that the writing wins out over the eating disorder.

  9. Wow, That Was Awkward,
    you're right, writing is good for the soul and i should do it just for me.

    you are the sweetest gorilla i have met in, gosh, years. YEARS. gonna email you today.

    lol. blogging minions. i love it ;)

  10. Angry Lurker,
    thanks for always sticking around, francis. i appreciate it :)

    thanks so much, hon. i really like what you wrote; this is my space, and not everyone's gonna like what i say. but i gotta get it out, or it will eat me alive.

    i checked out their website, it looks like a really nice place. thanks for the tip :)

  11. Elizabeth,
    thank-you hun :)

    thank-you so much for the offer, i really appreciate it :)

    wow. i am honestly so touched. thank-you :)

  12. I love you, and know that I am here for you. Text me, call me, skype me, email me... don't forget I will ALWAYS be here for YOU. xoxox

  13. Just keep writing. It's always helped me. I find it cathartic. the best writing you'll do is when it's real. And seriously take care of yourself!

  14. I had absolutely no idea that you suffered from an eating disorder. Without knowing you, it still breaks my heart. It took courage to write this post, little one. My brother suffered from anorexia for many years. He almost died from it. To this day, he has food issues, and I know he could fall back in to that abysmal hole. Don't drown, swim. Swim!

  15. Okay, so you hurt some feelings... I don't know anyone who hasn't done that at some point, most of us lots of times.

    What I'm getting at is that:

    1-you didn't intend to harm,
    2-you acknowledge & regret that your words hurt, and
    3-you can't nail yourself to a cross over it (because it just serves no greater purpose).

    You've got a talent Kage, and more importantly, you've got an outlet -- most any writer can understand the significance of that pressure valve release. Please, forgive yourself and move forward.

  16. Paulie,
    thanks paulie, and for your text the other day. miss you :)

    you're right, it really is cathartic.

  17. NellieVaugh,
    i'm so sorry about your brother :( it must be just as difficult to watch someone that is struggling with an ed. thank-you for what you wrote, i hope he's doing better too :)

    i really do want to let it go and move on. i even got the chance to write letters of apology to those two girls, though i don't know if it helped. i do know that i need to stop obsessing about it tho...

  18. Kagey girl...that monkey on yer back will get lighter and lighter by admitting and rectifying past indiscretions...believe me it worked for me in my own world of death defying actions...
    this is heartfelt and beautiful and i do wish you the best....then i demand you get back to some of your brilliant and scathing and funny as fuck writing...that sort of talent is rare to come by and you have it and i am gonna stick by ya!

  19. Ahh so that's why the writing stopped. It's too bad. My lack of writing skills has never stopped me from trying. You're a natural writer and we're all worse off for your scarcity.

    It's good to read you again. Your words flow perfectly. Why no one is paying you to write is beyond me.

    I miss our emails. I'm gonna write you when I get home! Want to hear from Kage direct, you know? Hope you have the time to say hi to your Ontario friend ;)

  20. Hey Kiddo
    I know that everyone has done thinks that make them cring when we look back on them. At times I have perfected the skill of being the largest raging asshole that has ever walked the planet. You made a mistake and you admit it. You are an amazing and caring person. I know that for a fact. Keep writing. It will help. I will always be here if you need me. You are a Goddess! Never forget it. You will have support from us. We will be there for you.

  21. Self pitty party for kage.not to sound rude but if you mean the things you write. You not only would help yourelf. You would start but personally telling the people you hurt that you are sorry. You just did it to make yourself feel better. Because the truth is hard to handle. I truely hope you do not have kids that sit and suffer well they watch their mommy. Hurt her self and others and families. Wish you well kiddo.;)

  22. I totally get what you're saying, as I also avoid writing to my detriment. It's a vicious cycle and constant cerebral battle.

    For what it's worth, I've been reading your blog for some time and truly enjoy your writing.



  23. It is great you have an outlet, i know for me writing, drawing and painting without those things, my life would be less. Keep making things, writing or art, it does make a difference. I dont publish half my posts, or i delete after. For me it is enough that i got what was in, out. Your posts are really funny and and insightful i know that i enjoy reading them

  24. I acknowledge that if you feel so bad about what you have written then yeah, you do need to go and apologise, of course. But personally, as I identify a lot with your sort of speaking, I'd not say that those things were offensive, as they seemed to me to be facts (as wonderful as these girls might be, how unusual is it that anorexics look like concentration camp victims and have battered blowup dolls self-esteems? I see that as hyperbolic language, only). But obviously, considering their very vulnerable situation, the dark context, and the fact that they are your peers, if you felt you had to apologise, awesome. Not like my opinion on this matters anyway, and I DO NOT have the right to decide if it is offensive or not because it's not about me. If they have been hurt, and that is a real fact, then it needs to be dealt with. I just thought I'd express that I've understood what you've written simply as humorous descriptive writing, and not as offence. The fact that I identify so much with your writing might be (might!) because we feel the same sometimes, and I know that everytime I use really strong rhetoric, it's a lot more about expression and style, and to get a point across, rather than hurting people. When you look from this point of view, imagine how powerfully you'd reach someone who's completely unaware of what goes on in an eating disorder world (and I know from my own experience as well, it's fucking horrendous). I see that the words you have used would have been true in communicating the bloody horror this world is. How could you, living in hell yourself, describe them? As rainbows? So, as offensive as that was, and as much as apologies were needed, I still think that was honest, real and intense, therefore an absolutely valid piece of writing.


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