Thursday, January 5, 2012

Tearing Shit Up

Hooray for Kage!!!!

It is 7:30 pm, and so far my birthday has been absolutely perfect. I stayed up late last night, reading and watching Colbert Report, and consequently didn’t get up today until 2 pm. I emerged from a dream in which Henry Rollins owned a record shop here in Calgary. I had gone in to get a Black Flag t-shirt for my birthday, but they were all too big, so Henry let me take his shirt off and put one on him instead. Then we went to the airport to fight crime together, which I think was an interesting twist.

When I finally got out of bed, I fed myself and the dogs, then we all piled into the car and headed down to the library. I picked up three books that I was looking for, and then three random books from authors I have never heard of. I just walked by the New Releases shelf with my eyes closed and grabbed three different books and an elderly woman’s crotch. After apologizing profusely, I left with my bounty and spent the rest of the afternoon sitting on the couch in my underwear, reading and eating blueberries.

Now THAT is how you spend a birthday.

And the fun’s not over yet. I just started some laundry and am going for a tan and then am dyeing my hair. Then I am going to punish myself at the gym for an hour before I come home and pass out while trying to stay up to see Colbert Report again. Yes, I DO know how to have a good time and tear shit up. Mothers, lock up your daughters! Or...something to that effect, I don’t know.

I would also like to extend a warm and wet Happy Birthday to my dear love, Marilyn Manson, whom I dare say is spending his special day doing the absolute complete opposite of I. However, I like to think that if we were spending our birthdays together, we would be doing something romantic and debased as a couple, like burning bibles and small children, or licking sugar effigies of Michelle Bachman.

Regardless. Happy Birthday, muffin.

Happy Birthday, darling! I got you
that narcissism you wanted...

(Pissed Script: The next morning...Holy shit! After Gorilla Bananas mentioned he had said Happy Bday on Facebook, I moseyed on over there to have a look - and I couldn't believe the buttload of birthday messages I found! Thank-you so much to everyone who took a moment to write me a message; what a great surprise! Very sweet, I really appreciate it so much. Thank-you ;)



  1. Happy birthday my darling! Big Randy kisses to you! *MWAH*!!!!!!

  2. Happy birthday there. That does sound like a fun way to spend a day. Though licking sugar effigies doesn't sound too bad either...You could always burn the kids and then fry the sugar effigies on the flames.

  3. Happy Birthday!

    And if Marilyn is wandering by here, Happy Birthday to you, too, good sir.

  4. I'm sure that old lady whose crotch you assaulted feels as if it was HER birthday too!!!

  5. I've already wished you a Happy Birthday on Facebook so I'm not doing it again. On your next birthday I'll send a couple of horny virgin lesbians to your tent. You can watch or participate, the choice is yours.

  6. happy birthday Kage :)
    and thats a great way of spending a birthday.

  7. Happy Birthday Kage, good crotch grab excuse......

  8. happy the birfday. Stay classy.

  9. hippo birdy two ewes k girl! big sloppy ones from across the pacific! xx

  10. Honestly, your birthday sounds awesome! Even the old lady crotch grab - you probably made her happy. Happy b-day!!!

  11. Happy birthday! There's a gift for you over at my place. Come alone. No cops.

  12. Happy belated birthday, Kage. As long as Colbert was somehow involved, you can't really lose. Cheers!

  13. You just turned 34 did you? Me too. I don't feel any different than 33. Which is weird, because it's been the same for all time. So what would 15 year old me think of 34 year old me? I don't know, but I do know I'd punch 15 year old me out.

    Was that weird?

  14. A bit late but happy birthday fellow capricorn. It's mine today and I'm spending it trying to catch up on blog reading. Well I only got back from holiday two days ago - that's my excuse for the lack of debauchery.

  15. I've been busy as hell lately, so here's a very late, but also very happy birthday! Sounds like you had a really good day, and now I could really eat some birthday cake. Happens, I guess.

    Oh, and blueberries!

  16. Randy,
    yay! those are my favorite kind of kisses ;)

    goddamnit, why didn't i think of that?

    thank-you, from marilyn manson and myself...

  17. Rafa,
    you're right, I shoulda charged her.

    can't I do both? don't censor me.

    thanks hun!

  18. Francis,
    thanks! if there's one thing i've got plenty of, it's excuses to grab crotch.

    it might be kinda hard to stay classy when i'm face down in a double margarita, but i'll do my best.

    thanks! um...did you just call me a hippo?

  19. Wow, Awkward,
    I like to spread the joy.

    thank-you :)

    oooh, sounds dangerous. i'll be right there!

  20. Beer4Shower,
    damn right! thank-you boys :)

    how DARE you?!?! thirty FOUR?!?!?! get BENT. i'm thirty THREE.

    oh no wait, I am thirty four. never mind.

    happy birthday darling!!!

  21. Charlotte,
    thanks Hun! it's always nice to see you :)

  22. Kage, dah-link: I have been away for a while (long boring story) but I'm back spewing some venom and making the rounds of my favourite blogs and commenting where I can so that you may remember me. Hopefully fondly.
    Glad you had a good birthday, the only thing I wished for you was the Henry-shirt thing.


    happy birthday hun. <3


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