Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Drive By Shooting!

Aaaaargh! Fuck! They didn't announce our
goddamn wedding again, Kage! Who's to blame?!

We're gonna get in our car, we're gonna go go go
Gonna drive to a neighbourhood
Kill someone we don't know


We're gonna go out killing, that's what we're gonna do
It might be your sister, or it might be you!


Sipping on the Night Train - FIRST GEAR!
Cruising down the Interstate - SECOND GEAR!
Smoking on the angel dust - THIRD GEAR!
I think my head's about to bust - FOURTH GEAR!


~ Henrietta Collins and The Wifebeating Childhaters

It will come as no surprise to...well, any of you, that I am a sporadic and somewhat unreliable blogger. But to those of you who feel this way, may I defend myself by pointing out that a) I’m pretty, and b) get bent. I’m a busy lady.

  However, it has recently occurred to me that I have neglected a few things that are important to me, here in Bloggieland. Back in April, the lovely Stephanie at Seriously? Reeealy? Seriously? was kind enough to give me a lovely blog award - which I, shamefully, forgot to pass on.

“Disgusting!” I hear you cry into the atmosphere. Ah, but it gets better.

The Lovely Crkts Galore, over at Kick Her Right In The Habit, also gave me a lovely bloggy award, which I also forgot to pass along.

“War crime!” I hear you shout. But let me finish.

Yvonne from Attracted To Shiny Things has sent an award my way too, and suddenly I have realized just what an ungrateful cow I am. Moo.

What can I say people? Except that it really does pay to put a topless picture of yourself on your blog. As evidenced RIGHT HERE.

Okay, so now you need to pretend you want to know seven more things about me that you didn’t know before. I know that technically, I should be writing 21 things about myself, as there are three blog awards to hand out. But even I don’t want to know 21 things about myself, so I'm sparing you the agony and only writing seven.

1. I am once again in hop-sital for being too skinny, among other things. This means that  absolutely not a single one of of these sad old octogenarians wandering the hallways of the hop-sital looking for death or redemption will be safe when my boredom kicks in. Not ONE.
2. I was horse crazy as a teenager. I drove out several times a week to take english riding lessons on my horse, Chip. I didn’t name him, the poor bastard.
3. I became the manager of a coffee shop when I was 17. I had big dreams, baby.
4. When I was around 7 or 8, the whole family trooped down to Australia to meet the family. I remember being in the barn with my brother, sitting on haystacks as we watched my cousins’ band. I can’t remember who played what, but Justin, Sheldon and Gerard played INXS for us Canadian kids. I went back to Canada and for the next four-five years expounded to the world that INXS were, in fact, my cousins Justin, Sheldon and Gerard.
5.I have been writing something for a class I have been doing that I’ve decided to force you guys to read it, too. Suckers.
6. The only friend I still have from high school is a Jehovah’s Witness. Everyone else judged me and decided I was too worldly and closed their doors to me. So swallow that one.
7. I took the name Henrietta Collins as a way to be closer to my husband, Henry Rollins. Henry once released an album called Drive By Shooting, under the name Henrietta Collins and The Wifebeating Childhaters. I figure that since a) I want to be his wife, b) I want him to beat me, and c) I hate children, it was the perfect sobriquet.

Okay, enough crap about me, it is now time to ruthlessly drag seven other bloggers into the topless oil wrestling ring with me and force them to fight for the right to touch Henry Rollins' left pec. And again, I realize that because I received three awards that I should be giving you 21 new blogs, but also again, I don’t wanna. So piss off.

Here they are, in no particular order, for whichever award they would like to take:

Miss Sassy Pants at A Few French Fries Short Of A Happy Meal

Selena at Because Motherhood Sucks

Maxie at I Hate So Much

Lorraine and Roxanne at Late To The Party

Lemons at Lemons Don't Make Lemonade

Whiskey Girl at Whiskey Girl

The Onion Gypsy at The Onion Gypsy

Okay, that's it for now. I gotta go, I hear a sad and lost octogenarian trying to sneak past my room.

"So yeah, Henry and I were married on Halloween night in a graveyard, and you wouldn't believe how great sex against old gravestones can be! Here, I have a picture. You can see it because in five
minutes you'll forget everything I've just said anyway..."


  1. Whelp...looks like when my post goes up you'll have another "on fire" award. No need to accept it officially. I bet you only took riding for the use of a kinky fuck.

    Hugs to you and get better soon so you can get away from sick old people---ick! (kidding-kinda).

  2. Ha grats on all the awards. I read Miss Sassypants, but not the other ones you mentioned. I also wish you a speedy recovery.

  3. I remember "Drive By Shooting" as the B-side to the 1971 Partridge Family hit "I Woke Up In Love This Morning".

  4. Wait. Does #5 mean that we are.........HOMEWORK?? WTF Collins?

  5. Oh my shit! I'm horse crazy!! Wait. Are we talking about the same thing?

  6. WATCH OUT FOR THAT PIMP is a fine way to end the song. It shows you've got concern for bystanders, be they innocent or guilty. If I were your pimp, I wouldn't let you have sex with anyone until your butt was fat enough for me to spank.

  7. Congrats! Being pretty absolves you of a lot. As for passing out blog awards, I usually just blame it on being lazy, myself.

  8. congrats on your award winning style besides when you're pretty who needs to be anything else..hugs

  9. Love your posts. Yeah you're pretty, pretty hot that is!

    I get awards and just never get around to doing them either---as a matter of fact YOU gave me an award and I just lost track...

    You have to forgive me because I am pretty too



    that is all

  10. Jewels,
    haha! i AM a kinky fuck!

    thank-you :) i first discovered you when you wrote that you were pitching a tent, over at not worth mentioning.

    Trooper Thorn,
    actually, it came free with every bible for three months in 1982.

  11. Hey Kiddo.
    Pretty?.? PRETTY?!?
    That's crap. You know you go way beyond pretty. As for the kinky thing... Well... Ya I'm leaving that one alone.
    Just get better. I miss ya!

  12. Oh wow you are a crazy one. I suppose that is why we like you though.

  13. You know I do have this album by HC and the WBCH don't you? Remember I was the one who blew you, I meant your cover (fuck I am ALWAYS doing that)....again I have wandered off into lala land and forgotten my point...grrr.
    Oh yeah...umm...hmmm....oh yeah i hate horses...well they scare me with their big flarey nostrils and because they go to the toilet EVERYWHERE oh yeah now I remember....I won a can of beer last week at a trivia night during a name that song question...the tune that rumbled out was 'that aint no woman..that's my wife' by none other guessed did I.
    I think I need to go back to bed now...


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...