Thursday, August 4, 2011

Crushed Little Kids Adorn The Boardwalk

"Follow me! It's this way to the beach, kiddies!"

Sunday Sunday at the amusement park
See the fat kids spill their pop
Oh babe! Lots of flags and balloons

But someone sabotaged the roller coaster last night

Ran a turn and then it smashed right down
Through the crowded haunted house below
Oh no! Human hamburger, no.

And it's crushed little kids, crushed little kids
Crushed little kids adorn the boardwalk

See the tourists drop their jaws and cones
See the owners smell a big lawsuit
Oh Police! (call you lawyer first)
Make the witnesses go home 
They'll turn on the t.v. 

And see crushed little kids adorn the boardwalk

~ Dead Kennedys

Hey Kids! Now you can be a retard just like your Auntie Kage! Just follow this very simple step-by-step instruction guide to immediate hop-sitalization. Hooray!

Step One Gently cultivate some third degree burns from falling 
asleep outside one sunny day, like the fucking moron you surely must be.
Yes, those are my bare jahoobies.
This isn't occupied Poland, if I want
to Page Three my tatas, I will. Deal with it, or get out.

       Step Two End up in hop-sital because you have been found 
legally too stupid to care for yourself.

Step Three Enjoy a bit of pampering to regain your strength...

Step Four Once well on your way to recovery, find new and obnoxious 
ways to fuck with the people on your floor. The other patients, nurses, doctors, and defenseless octogenarians are an excellent place to start, but remember; it's your hop-sitalization. Be creative and have fun with it!

Well, I hope that helps. Now if you'll excuse me, I made a couple of new boyfriends tonight that I need to check on, make sure they're still alive. One I like to call Polski, on account of the fact that he's from....POLAND. Christ, people. Keep up. Anyhoo, Polski was sitting in the hop-sital corridor when I was doing a few plies and jetes at the nurse's station, waiting in vain to be acknowledged by a nurse before I turned to stone. I heard some hooting behind me and turned around to find Polski staring directly at my butt cheeks.

"I love dancing!" he told them. 

I shook my butt cheeks a little and said in a high pitched voice, "So do we!"

"We should go dancing sometime!" he cried.

"Yes, that would be lovely," my butt cheeks agreed. "What kind of dancing do you like?"

From his padded chair behind me, he crossed his feeble arms over his chest, then huffed and kicked out one leg and then the other.

"Like the Hebrews!" he cried, forced to talk to my face now that I had sat down in the chair beside him.

Another octogenarian just a few feet away overheard this remark, and leaning heavily on his Zimmerframe, he shuffled the few steps over to us, finally arriving just before my 150th birthday. 

He pointed a gnarled finger at us. "Now, you've got to be careful there," he began pedantically, and Polski and I looked up politely. "I used to teach languages, and it is not correct to call Jews Hebrews...."

I can't tell you what he said past that, cuz that's when I passed out from boredom. But it sounds like if both my sexy Lotharios live through the night, there is a good chance they'll be dueling for the right to my hand in marriage tomorrow! Or, in Polski's case, my butt cheeks. 

Regardless, I had better go and wax my bikini line. Ciao.



  1. I can't decide whether you should show Polski your jahoobies. He clearly deserves them more than we do, but I'm worried where it will lead. I don't think he could survive putting his head between them without oxygen.

  2. I want you to get better (ha! I write "batter" mmm, pancakes) first of all, but I'm not going to be all sappy and be like, "are you okay Kagey?" because I would hope you would e-mail me if you needed someone to talk to, for real.

    On that note, I was kind of sucked into the black hole vortex that is your jahoobies. They must weigh at least 10 pounds (or whatever-the-fuck-kilos) each, holy fuck. I want you to get better, have I said that yet? Love yoooo!


  3. Hilarious, too skinny,getting better, nice tits, I'm outta here.

  4. Sadly I cannot follow in your great example, plus I don't like hopsitals anyway. But I am going on holiday where I will either burn, or at the least go to an amusement park, doubt they'll be any crushed kids though. I are saddened.

  5. Hah! You're hilarious. But that does look damn painful.

  6. Don't forget the always popular shedding phase.

  7. Good God A'Mighty @ the ( * )( * )


  8. Red is a good color on you. Good luck with Polski.

  9. Awwww. I love the sad face photo. Not because your sad, but because it's so fucking cute! Now quit fucking around and get yourself better, Kage!! I'm working on getting my enhanced driver's license and planning to sneak into Canada in the near future. I expect to be introduced to Polski.

  10. jebus that burn is unfortunate! The jahoobies were nice, but the burn was unfortunate. Get better, and don't kill the old people with your sekes.

  11. You have perfectly sized nipples! Congratulations. The tits are worth sharing.

    But whatever man, I'm THAT unimpressed with your burn. You will never be as pale & susceptible to sun damage as I! Mwahaha! I am the MOST hideously pasty!

    Dude seriously, you're in hospital? This makes me fret, get well, ok? You were already so skinny, you have to remember to eat stuff! Regularly!

    How are things with the boy?

    Much love xxx

  12. From that post I have deduced:
    #1 - you sunbath topless (cherry tata's!)
    #2 - what little clothing you do wear is worn in a small band round your midsection.
    #3 - Sarah is correct in complimenting your nipple to boob ratio.

    I'll think of ways for you to fuck with old people and send you an email, so you have a list in case you run out of ideas. K?

  13. haha half the fun of hospital stays is messing with the other patients and the nurses. glad you're feeling better

  14. Those are some pretty perfect tits.

    Yep, the tits are the last thing I could fully concentrate on.

  15. i personally think everyone should be required to show their naked boobies on their blog. :)

  16. You are going to drive them batty until they let you out. hehe. I am sure that they are enjoying having somebody to entertain them.

    Wanted to let you know that I have moved from Blogger to WordPress. I wanted to leave you my link since JewelsTurning30 is no more.

    new blog is

  17. Ouchie wowchie....yeah 3rd deg burns are a bitch..i did the same falling asleep on my back whilst drunk as a shit skunk in purgatory a few years back....even my nasty ass scorpion tattoo copped it.
    See i didn't even mention your funbags?? Should I have? They could do with a good rubdown with aloe vera juice.....have i taken it too far now? Oh shit im sorry, this has got me into trouble before hence my new....oh you dont wanna know about it....good to see your back...and front honey xx

  18. GB,
    'tis true, my jahoobies are a gift that must be given only after great consideration.

    i miss you so much :)

    Angry Lurker,
    well said! if i do say so myself. which i do.

  19. Mark,
    don't be sad! did you know that you can crush children yourself?

    ah thank-you. my boobs ARE hilarious.

    i shall include pics as soon as it comes!

  20. Red Shoes,
    i KNOW, right??? jk

    No The Hero,
    ugh. polski saw my dad last night and accused me of having another boyfriend.

    Sugar Free,
    that would so fucking rock if you came up here. seriously. oh. my. god.

  21. Convictus,
    what are sekes?

    we should tan topless together sometime. oh, and my nipples say hi.

    please do! i can only do so much here on my own...

  22. Last time I fell asleep outside I sunburned the soles of my fucking feet. So y'know, you you can congratulate yourself on not being THAT retarded.

    Also, dem tits.

  23. Geez woman!! How long did you cook yourself? I guess that goes for the can't take care of yourself. Got to be more careful. We want you happy and well not cooked to med rare. Love ya Kiddo!

  24. StigmataHandJob,
    i just can't get over your name. it is so fucking perfect.

    Uncle Peter,
    that was pretty dumb, hey? miss you :)


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