The Chase: Police Story

This fucking city is run by pigs
They take the rights away from all the kids


Walk down the street I flip them off
They hit me across the head with a billy club


Nothing I do, nothing I say 
I tell them to go get fucked
They put me away


Understand we're fighting a war
We can't win
They hate us, we hate them
We can't win - no way


~ Black Flag


A couple of months ago I was innocently cyber-stalking Henry Rollins and his beautiful pectoral muscles when I came upon (haha! get it? came upon? ahhhhhhh. hi, I'm twelve) a picture so beautiful, it nearly made me weep.

Henry: "Kage, you're under arrest for stealing my heart!"
Kage: "Oh, Henry. I stole your pants, too."

“What is that from?” I cried, when I was done licking the screen.

Why was my baby in a cop car, in a cop uniform? I wondered. I could immediately tell that it wasn’t from his band’s video for "Liar" as, even though he was dressed as a cop in that video too, he didn’t actually have a cop car.

I did some more stalking digging and discovered that once upon a time, some guy made a movie, and had the brilliance of forethought to cast the Henry Rollins as one of the leading roles. Produced in 1994, "The Chase" is an action-packed comedy about an innocent man who escapes from prison (Charlie “Lemme-Do-A-Two-Gram-Rail-Off-Your-Tits” Sheen) and gets busted for stealing a car. He takes a hostage (Kristi “I-Was-The-Real-Buffy-What-Happened-To-My-Career?” Swanson), and the movie follows their high speed chase, where the cops try to bust Sheen before he can reach the Mexican border.

I immediately called every video store to ever have existed in the entire history of the planet, and even a few from the Nebular Dimension in Deep Space Whatever, but of course the movie is no longer available. So I kidnapped the shih tzu of one of the owners of Amazon.com and held my own little hostage until finally, three months later, my dvd was pulled from the annals of forgotten movies and landed (to the soundtrack of angels singing) on my doorstep.

I was so excited when it arrived, I didn’t even notice when Carlita-the-kidnapped-shih-tzu bolted out the front door and headed straight for the strip club at the end of the block. In fact, I have been so absorbed with this movie for the past few days that I actually walked by the club at least six times, without noticing that the dog has somehow become this week’s featured dancer.

Anyway, thus commenced my new obsession hobby: tracking down elusive cameos of my favorite musicians. It was only fitting that I would start my new game with Henry Rollins, seeing as we will one day be married atop of a mountain.

Oh god, he was so fucking good! Resplendent in his black and silver uniform, Henry’s character was the happy-but-thick police officer that drives the first cruiser to follow Sheen and Swanson on their speedy road trip. In the backseat of his black-and-white,  there were a couple of supporting characters; a  producer and a cameraman interviewing Rollins and his partner for a reality TV show called The Fuzz.

Henry was throwing out little gems like this:

“Obviously you want to keep vehicular intercourse down to minimum at all times. We don’t want this guy spinning out and hitting a bus load of nuns or anything.”

and

“For me, it's the respect and power that the position commands. I don't know whether to be busting bad guys or signing autographs. It's kinda like being a star.”

Haha! So adorable! In context, anyway.

This movie also has a couple of cameos by Flea and Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who play two monster truck drivers that try to run Swanson’s stolen BMW off of the road. They were adorable as well.

"Yeah, man, Kristi Swanson does have nice tits.
But they're nowhere near as nice as Kage's."

So! While the movie itself was pretty cheesy, it was still enjoyable, and Henry Rollins was perfection personified. I would highly recommend tracking it down yourselves, then taking a night off from everyone to watch it, alone and without your pants.



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