Tuesday, July 5, 2011

The Chase: Police Story

This fucking city is run by pigs
They take the rights away from all the kids

Walk down the street I flip them off
They hit me across the head with a billy club

Nothing I do, nothing I say 
I tell them to go get fucked
They put me away

Understand we're fighting a war
We can't win
They hate us, we hate them
We can't win - no way

~ Black Flag

A couple of months ago I was innocently cyber-stalking Henry Rollins and his beautiful pectoral muscles when I came upon (haha! get it? came upon? ahhhhhhh. hi, I'm twelve) a picture so beautiful, it nearly made me weep.

Henry: "Kage, you're under arrest for stealing my heart!"
Kage: "Oh, Henry. I stole your pants, too."

“What is that from?” I cried, when I was done licking the screen.

Why was my baby in a cop car, in a cop uniform? I wondered. I could immediately tell that it wasn’t from his band’s video for "Liar" as, even though he was dressed as a cop in that video too, he didn’t actually have a cop car.

I did some more stalking digging and discovered that once upon a time, some guy made a movie, and had the brilliance of forethought to cast the Henry Rollins as one of the leading roles. Produced in 1994, "The Chase" is an action-packed comedy about an innocent man who escapes from prison (Charlie “Lemme-Do-A-Two-Gram-Rail-Off-Your-Tits” Sheen) and gets busted for stealing a car. He takes a hostage (Kristi “I-Was-The-Real-Buffy-What-Happened-To-My-Career?” Swanson), and the movie follows their high speed chase, where the cops try to bust Sheen before he can reach the Mexican border.

I immediately called every video store to ever have existed in the entire history of the planet, and even a few from the Nebular Dimension in Deep Space Whatever, but of course the movie is no longer available. So I kidnapped the shih tzu of one of the owners of Amazon.com and held my own little hostage until finally, three months later, my dvd was pulled from the annals of forgotten movies and landed (to the soundtrack of angels singing) on my doorstep.

I was so excited when it arrived, I didn’t even notice when Carlita-the-kidnapped-shih-tzu bolted out the front door and headed straight for the strip club at the end of the block. In fact, I have been so absorbed with this movie for the past few days that I actually walked by the club at least six times, without noticing that the dog has somehow become this week’s featured dancer.

Anyway, thus commenced my new obsession hobby: tracking down elusive cameos of my favorite musicians. It was only fitting that I would start my new game with Henry Rollins, seeing as we will one day be married atop of a mountain.

Oh god, he was so fucking good! Resplendent in his black and silver uniform, Henry’s character was the happy-but-thick police officer that drives the first cruiser to follow Sheen and Swanson on their speedy road trip. In the backseat of his black-and-white,  there were a couple of supporting characters; a  producer and a cameraman interviewing Rollins and his partner for a reality TV show called The Fuzz.

Henry was throwing out little gems like this:

“Obviously you want to keep vehicular intercourse down to minimum at all times. We don’t want this guy spinning out and hitting a bus load of nuns or anything.”


“For me, it's the respect and power that the position commands. I don't know whether to be busting bad guys or signing autographs. It's kinda like being a star.”

Haha! So adorable! In context, anyway.

This movie also has a couple of cameos by Flea and Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who play two monster truck drivers that try to run Swanson’s stolen BMW off of the road. They were adorable as well.

"Yeah, man, Kristi Swanson does have nice tits.
But they're nowhere near as nice as Kage's."

So! While the movie itself was pretty cheesy, it was still enjoyable, and Henry Rollins was perfection personified. I would highly recommend tracking it down yourselves, then taking a night off from everyone to watch it, alone and without your pants.



  1. I have to be honest - if I'm going to watch a movie alone and without pants, The Chase is not even going to make the top 500 list.

    And should you need more pants-off material... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0738433/

  2. Thank you so VERY much for sharing your porn with us.

    I'm very happy I chose to blog without pants tonight.

  3. A long time since I've seen this but with pants on Kage.

  4. Should try Spartacus without your pants. Lol.

  5. He has a pretty righteous cameo in Heat... it's a long movie to sit through though if you are just looking for Hank.

    If memory serves correctly, he also had a bit part in Johnny Mnemonic, an ATROCIOUS movie with Keanu Reaves.

    My favorite cameo that I have seen though was in Jackass the Movie when he was driving the off-road vehicle while Steve-O got a Tattoo... he is a genius.

    In conclusion, The Chase was an awful movie, that I also ONLY WATCHED because I had read that Rollins played a cop in it.

    In my defense, it was over fifteen years ago when it first came out.

    Anyways, I should probably start working, and put my pants back on (business casual... pffff......).

  6. If I'm going to track this down, I'm going to need a stripping shih tzu, and I'm going to need one without a lot of questions asked.

  7. this was a legitimately good movie as i remember it.

  8. Wow, you do your homework girl! Your boy Henry should be proud to be stalked by such a resourceful woman!

  9. Man he is so hot! I love a man in uniform.

    Now I want to go find add movie on my netflix account...

    that is all

  10. i swear i saw flea at my local burger joint a couple of weeks ago, no joke, it was definitely him near the waves

    biggest NIN fan of all time

  11. i haven't seen that movies in years will have to go rewatch as you have given me new insight to watching it. great post sorry i read it with my pants on.

    Everyday Life

  12. I've read two of his books - awesome stuff. He's a credit to the anarcho-music scene (not that THAT's such a big deal, but...) - I'll have to check it out.

  13. That was a funny movie, (still is) I remember I loved it and I thought Henry was hilarious. I think I saw Mr Rollins in a western-type film but I can't quite remember the name. DAMNIT!!

  14. I like the photo of your boy Henry. I've seen
    that look on his face on many a silverback. Roughly translated, it means "your mama's in my harem".

  15. When I saw in the credits that he did the voice acting for Kilowog: the drill sergeant alien in Green Lantern: Emerald Knights, I instantly thought of you.

  16. OMG! OMG! I remember that movie. Sadly it was one of my faves in the mid-90s. Hey, we had no internet.

  17. OK Kage... It's been out for awhile now, but The TV series Sons of Anarchy (which is fucking fabulous BTW) Henry is in Season 2. He gets a lot of screen time. I do, however recommend that you watch season 1 first... Hey, Bikers, babes, guns, drugs? what's not to like? Cheers!

  18. Kage, isn't it almost time for you to get a new obsession? Don't you rotate every 3 months or so?

    Also, for those of you who want it, here is the link to Amazon.com so you can get it (thought you'd do this Kage!!) http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0009X75MO/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&tag=thmiofsp-20&linkCode=as2&camp=217145&creative=399373&creativeASIN=B0009X75MO

  19. i havent seen this but im def gona now! :)

  20. This has always been one of my cult favorites since I was a kid.

    If you want to see him and a cheesy yet not-quite-awful horror movie, you should see The Feast.

  21. You daft git - you do make me laugh with your Henry Rollins obsession!!

  22. after reading this i was trying and trying to remember what movie i just saw that had kristi swanson playing herself in it. finally i realized it wasn't her at all but elizabeth shue instead. and the movie was hamlet 2, and is funny as shit if you haven't seen it. but i'm easy with movies that are funny about blasphemy. rock me sexy jesus.

  23. The lengths you go is hilarious.


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