Thursday, June 30, 2011

Well Paid Scientist


Pull up to your sterile home
You're drained
Bite the heads off of your kids
Chew them well, they taste like you
Just slam the door 

Assigned here 'cause your company owns the land
All your colleagues live here too
Private guards in golf carts
Keep you safe at home


~Dead Kennedys

I was sitting at my desk today, typing away madly, when suddenly I got a hankering for some oatmeal.

I slid my chair back from my desk and turned to walk away, but something in the middle of my room caught my eye. I stood up from my desk and peered closer.

A small black dot hovered in the middle of my room. Floating in the air, about at eye level, swaying in the breeze created by my air conditioner.

I cocked my head and looked closer. “What the fuck is that?” I whispered, and tiptoed towards it.

I had to get right up close to it, maybe a foot away from the hovering black spot, before my brain finally clued in.

“Oh, it’s a spider,” I breathed, watching the spider sway away from me and then back again on the strength of my spoken words. I backed up and grabbed my swivel chair, never taking my eyes off of my target, then sat down to watch the show.

Maynard (the spider’s name - I have shamefully few Tool references here, it needed to be done) decided he wanted to head up towards the ceiling, so with a little swivel he turned around and headed back up his web...string. (Whatever). Then he changed his mind, I guess, and dropped down towards the ground by maybe a foot. Then he climbed back up another four inches, before heading to the ground again.

For whatever reason, he changed his mind four more times, causing me to wonder if he was actually a female spider, before he finally jetted all the way down to the floor.

I reached over to my desk to grab a tupperware container, but when I turned back to try and catch him, Maynard was gone. Which means I'll prolly eat him in my sleep.

Despite this, I smiled and shook my head, throwing the plastic container back onto my desk, unused. That was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go surf the internet to learn how spiders get that silky thread to fly out of their butts.



  1. Maynard was actually performing repeated failed attempt at spider bungee jumping. What he didn't know is that spider's silk isn't as elastic as the Spiderman movies lead you to believe.

    Better luck next time, Maynard. Better luck next time.

  2. wow, this post just made me like you even more...which i wasn't sure was possible. well, you know, in a blogger to blogger sense.
    oh, and i once found one of those heebeejeebee inducing big ass spiders (like in the picture) in my bag at a hotel. i had to catch it in a hotel cup and relocate it to the wild, where he either went on to live a long and healthy life or was promptly eaten by a big ass bird. (i have imagined both scenarios, yes.)

  3. I had to roll the screen down so I wasn't looking at the spider so I wouldn't get all creepy and crawly like a bitch.

  4. You need quick ape-like reflexes to catch a spider. If I'd been there I would have defenestrated it for you.

  5. Spiders, us men do not fear spiders, well most of the time.

  6. as a whole, brilliant blog! +followed

  7. Lurker is right, we don't fear spiders. Unless they are bigger than us and that only happens in movies.

  8. You rock girl! For a moment I thought you were going to kill him / her. But no, you are a spider saviour ...... and for that you get my utmost respect, cos spiders are ace. Don't forget to post when you find out how webs come out of their arse.

  9. If you can get thread to fly out of your butt, I'm hiring you RIGHT NOW to recover my old furniture!

  10. he was practicing for his audition for spiderman on broadway think he may have a chance

    Everyday Life

  11. You keep talking spider, but in my head I'm thinkin' the bug from Alien's 1.

  12. I am scanning my room and freaking out! *shiver* ick ick ick ick. I almost had a panic attack when I saw that picture. Why, Kage, why!?

  13. Fuck spiders. Nature's crack dealers, they are. Once they have you in their web, they ain't never lettin go.

  14. I was waiting to read about a spectacular freak out. Not that I want to see you in any anguish.

    Insect(ish) stories will always remind me when I was little and stepped in a fire ant bed. I'm scarred. Literally there for a while.

    You are much nicer than we are in this house. Hubs makes a game out of it to kill spiders on the wall with rubberbands.

  15. Spiders and I are not friends. In fact, most of nature's creepy creations and I are not friends. Wildlife is best kept safely behind bars and plexiglass as the zoo in my opinion. Ick!

  16. You're more ballsy than me. I'd run around screaming till someone took care of it.

  17. Vinny C,
    i love how easily you accepted that his name is maynard. you rock :)

    jesus christ! i would have lost my SHIT if maynard had been that big.

    Cake Betch,
    haha! i actually couldn't look at it for very long, either.

  18. GB,
    defen-a-who's-a-what now? speak english, you silly ape.

    Angry Lurker,
    how big does it have to be before you lose your marbles? just curious.

    Onion Gypsy,
    hello, beautiful! i've decided to let you stay, even though you're way too pretty, goddamnit.

  19. Oilfield Daddy,
    hmmm. i think a game of truth-or-dare in the zoo's arachnid exhibit is in order...

    Lady M,
    i'd like to take the credit and the glory, but the real reason i didn't kill maynard is cuz i just got my nails done and i didn't want to get spider guts on my hands. gross!

    i'm working on it, i'm working on it!

  20. Becca,
    well maynard is a singer...

    i'm just looking that up now, i'm not familiar...ahhhhhhhhhhh! fuck!!!!!!

    rahahaha! (evil laugh) i got you, my pretty.

  21. Matt McNish,
    wait, what? spiders deal crack? and all this time i've been going all the way downtown, i mean...whaaaa?

    i know this is horrible to say, but now i totally want to see that.

    yeah, i talk a big game but trust me, if maynard had actually touched me, i would have had an aneurysm.

    Braumaman, balls are HUGE.

  22. I just noticed HENRIETTA COLLINS! Nice.

    Drive-By shooting, watch out for those pigs!

  23. Yeah well, spiders and me have a bit of a chequered history, having been bitten by one as a little tacker I was clinically fearful of them. I would curl up in a ball and rock back n forth until mummy would shoo it away or squish it.
    Buuut I did get that arachnoid fear dealt with years later by looking at pictures of them, then actually buying a real tarantula (well it was dead n dried and in an attractively presented casing)....
    I forgot where I was going with that one..something about oatmeal maybe...errr my mind wanders off these days....
    Nice post n good reference to the DK's

  24. "he changed his mind four more times, causing me to wonder if he was actually a female spider,"

    Yes! Good call.

    I found spider-zilla in my basement last week. Before I could ponder things like karma, God's creatures, etc., I had already smashed him 50 times and smeared his guts on the floor.

    It's kill or be killed at my house. That goes for ladies, too.

  25. Aw. Come on. Spiders shouldn't be allowed to get any bigger than... Tiny.

    Just sayin.

  26. Kevie,
    i love love LOVE that you always get my music references!!! you rock :)

    yay! i'm so glad you're back! i've missed ya, you know. for some reason, i absolutely fell off my chair laughing when you said, "I forgot where I was going with that one..something about oatmeal maybe...". not sure why, but i just found this to be screamingly hilarious.

  27. Did you ever get your oatmeal? Why you gotta leave a brotha hanging? And no I don't mean by a web out of my butt.

  28. I love you with pink hair, Kage !
    As for spiders - well, i get along with most of 'em - after all, they do eat other more troublesome bugs like flies.
    Like your blog - following !

  29. Your post jinxed me. I now have flies in my NYC pad. BTW...made you blog of the day.

  30. Rafa,
    must you ask such a PERSONAL question, man? jesus christ, ease OFF ;)

    Prisoner Art,
    right back at ya. oh, exept for the pink hair thing.

    i didn't jinx you, silly, the flies are there to visit all the dead bodies you're hiding.

    and thanks for making me blog of the day, jesse :)

  31. Miss your posts. Hope you have something juicy or stalkerish in store!

  32. creepy, damn you creepy spider.


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