Well Paid Scientist

"I HATE SPIDERS!"

Pull up to your sterile home
You're drained
Bite the heads off of your kids
Chew them well, they taste like you
Just slam the door 


Assigned here 'cause your company owns the land
All your colleagues live here too
Private guards in golf carts
Keep you safe at home


When 
Will 
You 
Crack?


~Dead Kennedys


I was sitting at my desk today, typing away madly, when suddenly I got a hankering for some oatmeal.

I slid my chair back from my desk and turned to walk away, but something in the middle of my room caught my eye. I stood up from my desk and peered closer.

A small black dot hovered in the middle of my room. Floating in the air, about at eye level, swaying in the breeze created by my air conditioner.

I cocked my head and looked closer. “What the fuck is that?” I whispered, and tiptoed towards it.

I had to get right up close to it, maybe a foot away from the hovering black spot, before my brain finally clued in.

“Oh, it’s a spider,” I breathed, watching the spider sway away from me and then back again on the strength of my spoken words. I backed up and grabbed my swivel chair, never taking my eyes off of my target, then sat down to watch the show.

Maynard (the spider’s name - I have shamefully few Tool references here, it needed to be done) decided he wanted to head up towards the ceiling, so with a little swivel he turned around and headed back up his web...string. (Whatever). Then he changed his mind, I guess, and dropped down towards the ground by maybe a foot. Then he climbed back up another four inches, before heading to the ground again.

For whatever reason, he changed his mind four more times, causing me to wonder if he was actually a female spider, before he finally jetted all the way down to the floor.

I reached over to my desk to grab a tupperware container, but when I turned back to try and catch him, Maynard was gone. Which means I'll prolly eat him in my sleep.

Despite this, I smiled and shook my head, throwing the plastic container back onto my desk, unused. That was quite possibly the coolest thing I have ever seen.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go surf the internet to learn how spiders get that silky thread to fly out of their butts.

.