Friday, June 3, 2011

Suicide Is Painless

"See ya."

Through early morning fog I see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for me
I realize and I can see...

That suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The game of life is hard to play
I'm gonna lose it anyway
The losing card I'll someday lay
So this is all I have to say

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

The sword of time will pierce our skins
It doesn't hurt when it begins
But as it works its way on in
The pain grows it grin, but...

Suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

A brave man once requested me
To answer questions that are key
Is it to be or not to be
And I replied 'oh why ask me?'

And suicide is painless
It brings on many changes
And I can take or leave it if I please

...and you can do the same thing if you please

~ Marilyn Manson

I was going to tell you guys about this absolute diva brat that works for Dreamgirls and her outrageous behavior over the past few weeks, but I’m not really in the mood anymore.

I really wanted to write about something positive, to give you guys some good news about how I am getting better and how much I love life and how grand I think people really are inside, but it’s just not in the cards.

M called tonight. We were supposed to hang out for the third time this week, but I didn’t hear from him after school like I was supposed to.

He finally called at 10:30.

“Hey baby, where have you been?” I cried when I picked up the phone.

Silence. Then, slowly, he sighed. “Hey, baby.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked sharply.

Silence. Then, “My parents were here tonight. They were bitching at me for over an hour.”

My stomach sank. “About what?” I asked stupidly, since I already knew. It was pretty goddamn obvious.

“About you,” he said. “They were bitching at me about you.”

His parents had seen the random evidence of my being in his house over the past few days, and came tonight to confront him. They don’t want him to start seeing me again, apparently. He can do better. They don’t believe I am ever going to get well. My problems are too great for me to ever get past them. I’m not good enough for him, or his daughter.

I stopped him there. I didn’t need to hear anymore, I’m not retarded.

“I’m sorry, baby,” he said softly.

“Whatever,” I said, walking outside and lighting a cigarette.

“Do you want to hang out tonight? I could still come over,” he offered hopefully.

“No. I don’t want you to,” I said absently.

“Baby, don’t be mad at me,” he pleaded.

“I’m not mad at you,” I muttered tonelessly.

And I’m not. I’m not even surprised, really. I’m just...ugh. I don’t know.

No one thinks I am going to get better. Not my parents, nor M’s parents, nor Gigi, nor M, nor anyone. No one believes that I can survive my past to beat my eating disorder and overcome my problems with substance abuse.

Not even me.

So if none of us think that I can do this, then why are we all wasting our fucking time? Why doesn’t everyone just fuck off and die, and let me do the same? I asked all of you to leave me the fuck alone, and you refused. But if you don’t even believe in me then why the fuck are you hanging around?


  1. As Lawrence of Arabia said, "Nothing is written".

  2. Why is it that we sometimes cling the hardest to those who keep us down, who refuse to believe in all we are/can be?

    I get that I don't "know" you. I know I see only what you put here on this blog...but for me, this raw confession is more real than some shallow "friendships" I have in real I am going to tell you what I believe in my heart to be are amazing. You are worthy of health, love, and respect. If M loved you he would stand up for you and stand by you.

    I think you are an absolute warrior and we both know that if life was "easy" we'd just get bored. :) It's hard, it's not fair but it's what we are given and we overcome. You have have us pulling for you.

    I'm sending you prayers and support...I hope you feel it. You know where to find me/email me if you need to vent. Just think how amazing it would feel to pull through, to rise and succeed and shove it in their doubting faces! ;)

  3. Because you want to do it. Otherwise you wouldn't write about it.

    I'll make a comparison. Of course, mine is pretty stupid compared to yours, but it does have parallels.

    I was a smoker for 10 years. Actually, I was a smoker for 5 and a quitter for 5. I wanted to quit, I hated how I always smelled and how I got out of breath going mountain biking and all that. But it was never enough to get me to quit.

    Then I bought a house. And I noticed that my money was ending before my month. I had to do something.

    That was the impetus for me to quit, because I had to, because $300 a month habit wasn't worth losing a whole house.

    Can you imagine how silly that is? You lost your house because you liked burning sticks of dried out leaves?

    What I'm saying is that you can use this as your "must do" thing. Right?

  4. Because me loves you. And others loves you as well. You is our Kage. You have doggies and Henry Rollins. Becasue fuck everybody, that's why.

  5. I like what Rafa said.

    That and you obviously still have some fight left in you.

    Occasionally I tell myself, So what if I get hospitalized again? The world will still be here when I get back. Glaringly bright as ever. Fuck it, and I have another bottle of wine. With a milkshake.

  6. i agree with rafa.
    and this post makes me sad, i wish you didn't feel this way.
    i think we all have times when we feel like losers or whatever, but ideally that gives way to making whatever changes we need to make and then to feeling better.
    a talented person such as yourself should never give up.

  7. Seeing those lyrics printed out, I don't get why it was the MASH themesong at all.

    But on to you - Kage, Kage, Kage...
    You are powerful beyond measure, but you don't see that about yourself.
    Most people don't.
    Sometimes you just have to take someone else's word for it.
    Take MY word for it Kage, believe what I say and claim your true, rightful place as a force to be reckoned with.

  8. You are beautiful just as you are, sometimes there's good days and bad days. I stumbled across your blog and noticed you are very very sexy as well and will be included in some of my fantasies tonight, I mean your blog is great and keep up the writing! :)

    Xo Kait

  9. Kage!! Umm this is scaring are beautiful on soooo many levels. Damn the haters, naysayers, knuckle dragging mouth breathers and general fuck-knuckles and keep on writing. And living. You are fucking well worth it.

  10. I had an eatng disorder, and i also had sever depression. You'll get through it girl, dont worry we know you will be okay. *Hugs*


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