Saturday, May 21, 2011

Pimpin' Ain't Easy, Bitch! (But Neither Is Self Mutilation)

It's all the presentation...

Bitch better have my money.


I don’t really know where to start.

About a month ago, I took over running the agency that I work for, Dreamgirls. I’m essentially a madame for strippers now.

It’s going really well. I like being all organized and efficient, running an office and bossing everybody about. It suits me.

However, also about a month ago, I moved into the house of the owner of Dreamgirls, to house sit for two weeks while she was away in Mexico.

Thaaaaaaat didn’t go so well.

Turns out the girl who hates everyone and wants to be left alone all of the time really shouldn’t be left alone all the time.

Or any time.

I dropped ten pounds in the two weeks that Gigi left me to my own devices, to do whatever I wanted.

  Like forget to eat.


I can’t believe how quickly and indiscernibly this shit snuck back up on me. I am not a stupid girl, nor am I clueless of my surroundings or the malevolence of other people - in fact, I’m incredibly sensitive to it.

So how the fuck is it that I have fallen victim to myself?

Da fuck? The one being, the one entity, the one force of nature I have to be the most wary of is ME? Where’s the ingrained instinct for survival? Where’s the inherent drive to thwart perceived threats and fight to the death to protect one’s very existence? Where dat shit?

The one who hurts me the most is me. I am the biggest threat to my physical and emotional well-being. How fucking dumb is that?

That’s just how it pulls me in. When I’m stuck in Victoria Beckham mode, the ability to lose weight IS my survival instinct - the more I can control my weight, the more I can control the elements of my surroundings. People, places, things, anything that could be perceived as a threat starts to fade away when I am back in control.

Or so I think.

I don’t seem to notice that actually, I am spinning wildly out of control, heading back down a path that can only end in death, self induced or otherwise. But that’s okay, cuz hey, have you noticed how good I look?

Why are you posting this crap? I hear you ask. Good question. I don't know. I guess I hoped that by being honest and posting the truth up here for everyone to see, it might help pull my head from my arse.

With the diminishment of my perceived threats comes the dwindling of my capacity to feel joy. My blog, once the epicentre of my world, now exhausts me, and sits abandoned and pointless. I rarely see M, Kay has to stalk me, and my beloved dogs sit sad and neglected and painfully bloated from lack of exercise. But that’s okay, cuz hey, have you noticed how good I look?

The most screamingly hilarious part of this whole thing is how initially offended I was when nobody noticed. Look at me! I would think  desperately. Look how in control of my life I am! Until they did notice, and I became enraged by their endless fussing, their suffocating attempts to “help” me. Leave me alone! I wanted to scream at them. But before you go, have you noticed how good I look?


The usual threats from my loved ones are back: If you don’t gain weight you are fired; I want to weigh you once a week; you look emaciated and sickly; don’t you think you should go back into hop-sital?


I don’t know what I think, really. I don’t know what I want, either. I would really like to just lie down and go to sleep for a while. But hey, have you noticed how good I look?

At least the world is ending tomorrow. That makes me feel better. Bring on the hookers and blow!


Thank-you to everyone who has emailed me, asking if I was alright - Hed, Spaz, Dan, Sugar Free, Mike Lisssty, the lovely Crkets Galore. I’m sorry I never responded, and also that I haven’t been to your blogs in a month. I keep starting to read the hundred-plus blogs I follow, I’ve even started to make a comment here and there. But then I become so overwhelmed and daunted by how much catching up there is to do that I just close Mr. Rollins and go to sleep instead.

Which sounds like a bitching idea right about now.

I hope this cheerful missive finds you all well. Ta.

Pis.s. I promise not to be so unbelievably solipsistic and self pitying in my next post.

No, seriously. I can do it.

******************Edited Saturday May 21, 3:50 pm***********************

Oh my Christ. Id just told me about Rafa's Search For Kage post! I just read it, and I am so incredibly touched. What's that? No, I didn't cry! It's just been raining on my face. And I was cutting onions.

If I may be oh so cheesy for a moment, I am so honored that all of you incredible people think so much of me. Thank-you so much, you guys. I've missed you, and I am so grateful that you've missed me, too.


  1. Fuck I've been worried about you.

    I know how you feel about the whole "catching up on blogs" thing because, after I started to get happy again, I kind of zombie-d out and stopped reading and writing myself.

    I'm glad you wrote again, if even for one post. I'm happy you have a job you enjoy-but-you have to throw in eating. It's kind of a thing you have to do, sadly.

    I miss you, and keep us informed as much as you have the energy/strength to. See you in hell! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA <3


  2. How the hell is starving yourself supposed to make you look good? The world loves women who are well-fed and curvy, with smooth fertile skin. Forget Victoria Spice, she's an anomaly. Think Kate Winslet instead.

  3. You need more flesh on you woman, get onto it.

  4. I am glad to see you back. I had been worried about you but know that real life stuff takes control and people don't always make time for blogging-I know I struggle with it sometimes.

    The catching up on blogs is a total pain in the ass so I totally get that. You have got to take care of yourself though, sweets. I'm not going to say the same thing I'm sure everyone else who knows and loves you is saying but there is a difference between thin and healthy sometimes...make sure you are healthy.

    Hugs to you and you know my email if you wanna chat.

  5. hey, kage,
    i'm happy to see you back here, your blog is one of the best, hun.
    when i was younger i did have an eating disorder, so i can totally sympathize with that sense of power and control you can get from not eating. i do still suffer from body image issues and tend to place too much value on my appearance, i guess it's like my feelings of self worth are directly correlated to how good i think i look. i know it's stupid. so while i might have problems taking my own advice, i guess what i want to tell you is that you could look like steve buscemi and you would still be awesome, girl. you are a wickedly talented writer, incredibly funny, and judging by your blog posts alone, super smart. of course you're pretty too...but you are so much more than that.

    oh, and make sure you check out rafa's rudeblog a few posts back was totally dedicated to the search for kage. i'd link it here, but i'm not that tech savvy.

  6. Kage, let me speak for everyone when I say that we all have missed you!!!!

  7. Wooop woop woop!! Announcement folks. It is may 22 and I woke up with my usual 'morning glory' raging and the sound of cars driving past (unless they are driving to heaven) AND a post from K-Ag, so the world is not ending, at least here...
    Ok all of the above comments plus a dollop of creamy goodness (oh please, must people always think of THAT type of creamy goodness whenever it is mentioned) towards you Kage.
    Great to see your back, albeit in a slightly diminished mode. This ain't the place for me to serve up a dollop of psych 101 so I will refrain from that.You are obviously feeling a bit tender, so...
    Allow me though to woop, woop, woop and huzzah your return back into the fold of the chosen ones.
    On a completely unrelated topic the Dead Kennedy's recently came down to Oz. Minus Mr Biafra. I did NOT go and all reports centred around the dictum 'where is that funny bloke with the vibrato voice and surgical gloves'.
    Hope to see more of you, you funny girl ;)

  8. Glad to see you back darling. I don't really have any advice and I'm sure that you don't want any from me anyways so I will just wish you well, may your strength and perspective return and serve you well.

  9. Honesty is always good. And please remember that blogging or just reading blogs shouldn't be yet another "to do" (as in,... have to) on your list. I care.

  10. Now I feel bad I didn't write. I did wonder, though! And worry a bit, too!

    I'm almost afraid to write this, but... Eat!
    Take care - good to have you back.
    (Stay. Please.)

  11. I think you're pretty cool so I'll be halfway honest with you. Shut the fuck up. I would lecture you and say you're better than this but that would just be patronizing. You're not a kid, you're not a dumb ass. Just fucking eat. That's it. Eat. And hurry up.

  12. You need to get an Itallian/Jewish mother tag team. Eat! Manga! Or they will nag you to oblivion. I heard it works.

  13. I wondered what was up with you.

    And you know that ain't healthy.

  14. Good to see that you are writing again.

    Rafa rang that alarm bell a few days back and it sort of hammered the point home that you were MIA.

    I forget to eat for long perdiods of time, too. I think that when you have a vice that is a virtue to the majority, it tends to get ignored for a while.

    You know: LIke maybe you never eat or never sleep, or you get obsessed with things that SEEM positive for a while?

    But are we SURE the world didn't end yesterday? Maybe it ended and I just failed to notice...

  15. Well that sucks. I just figured that you were off being awesome somewhere, breaking hearts and writing the great Canadian novel.

    "When you start to doubt yourself the real world will eat you alive. It's time. It's time to align your body with your mind. It's hero time."

    Seriously, hero time starts right now. Yeah. Time to shine.

  16. YAY!!!!!!!!!! KAGE IS BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOHHHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. I hope you're doing okay Kage. You don't have to be super skinny to be a sexy motherfucker.

  18. I'm really glad you're back! That shows that somethings starting to maybe kind of shift. :) obviously you have been avoiding my texts *cough* Hey if I were to ask you for makeup advice would you respond? xoxoxo




    SO go eat some junk food and stuff

    I kept looking for updates and imagining what was happening over here.....

    Sometimes I let my imagination get wicked crazy and think you were having some illicit fun


    that is all

  20. The dude in that first picture is my idol.....

  21. woahhh nooo! go back to the sexy pictures i so dotingly posted! i am undyingly impressed that you own a six pack, but look at these photos again!

    they were HOT!

  22. Fuck's sake, I missed you and worried!! You are sooooo grounded young lady. Very happy to know you weren't in jail or something. Hugs to you my friend.

  23. They have a twelve step program for this. They also have one for forgetting to not stick needles in yourself, of which I am a proud member. Personally I give you props for sharing this stuff. My sister actually has a blog that might be relevant to your interests.

  24. i just popped into see this and am sorry i have not been around either..

    sending good vibes...from another absentybloggerer..

    bruce and tUcKeR


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