I Wanna Be A Drug Sniffing Dog

"Bend over a little further, Jello. We still can't find Kage."

I wanna be a drug sniffing dog 
So I can snort coke all day long 
Bite my master when it suits me 
Get off on diminished capacity 



Weh oh, Weh oh ho 
Sure beats Alpo 


It's the life 
It's the stink 
It's the attitude



I wanna be a customs man 
Snoop through your stuff 'cause I can 
Sneaky peaky pry through your private lives 
Stroke your panties, jackin' off at lunch 


It's the life 
It's the stink 
It's the attitude


Choose your masks


~ Jello Biafra w/ Lard

I opened the curtains to my bedroom this afternoon, to let in some much needed sunlight. What I saw made me jump back in shock and give a loud yelp of fright.

A large, colorful monstrosity stood before me, peaking into my window. I screamed again and let go of the blinds, then dropped down to the floor to hide.

Wait a minute, I recognize that, I thought vaguely as I heard the blinds crash back down to the window sill.

Shaking all over, I reached a hesitant hand back up and cracked open two slats of beige plastic so I could peer through.

Is that...is it...

Lord thundering crap! Is that SUMMER?

It's been so dark and lonely stuck in my own anal cavity, drowning in my solipsistic misery, that I actually missed a change in the seasons.

Good Fuck! That can't be good.

So...um...maybe I'll stop fucking doing that.

Yeah, that sounds pretty wise. Otherwise it will be goddamn winter again before I know it, and I won't have any cute boots to wear.

I was so hurt and angry on Friday at the rejection I felt from M's parents, that I was determined to prove them right. I was gonna go out and get the most OxyContin and the most cocaine in the entire world and was gonna smack myself harder than I ever have before and that would show them that I...um...that would show them that  I...uh...

Sigh. That would show them that I was the very fucking retard they suspect me to be.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Nah.

After long and careful deliberation, I've decided to accept the wise counsel of the lovely and beautiful Jewels, and start getting better again so I can rub it in their smug, judgemental faces. Perhaps not the healthiest of motivations, but sometimes you gotta take what you can get and fucking run with it, then cash it in for something better further down the road.

I've been been dithering in my complacency for months now, never doing more than I absolutely have to in order to get past my shit then wondering stupidly why I'm not getting better. As if I don't know.

Throughout my strange little life I've always somehow been a kickass underdog, sneaking up from behind those that dismiss me as worthless and sinking in my goddamn teeth to prove my point. And I'm gonna do it again.

I am not worthless, you narrow-minded...old...jerkfaces.

Oh! Um, no offense, Mr. and Mrs. C.

Well. Maybe a little.

As we all know, though, talk without action is a luxury I simply cannot afford at the moment. Clearly. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find some help with my terminal fucktardism.

Pissed Script: Thank-you for all your encouraging comments and emails, everybody. Please don't be offended if I don't get back to you right away, I am pretty overwhelmed at the moment with cleaning up the disaster that I have wrought. Please know that I read everything you send me, and I hold it deep in my heart.

Haha! That was so gay.

I better work on that, too.



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