Sunday, June 5, 2011

I Wanna Be A Drug Sniffing Dog

"Bend over a little further, Jello. We still can't find Kage."

I wanna be a drug sniffing dog 
So I can snort coke all day long 
Bite my master when it suits me 
Get off on diminished capacity 

Weh oh, Weh oh ho 
Sure beats Alpo 

It's the life 
It's the stink 
It's the attitude

I wanna be a customs man 
Snoop through your stuff 'cause I can 
Sneaky peaky pry through your private lives 
Stroke your panties, jackin' off at lunch 

It's the life 
It's the stink 
It's the attitude

Choose your masks

~ Jello Biafra w/ Lard

I opened the curtains to my bedroom this afternoon, to let in some much needed sunlight. What I saw made me jump back in shock and give a loud yelp of fright.

A large, colorful monstrosity stood before me, peaking into my window. I screamed again and let go of the blinds, then dropped down to the floor to hide.

Wait a minute, I recognize that, I thought vaguely as I heard the blinds crash back down to the window sill.

Shaking all over, I reached a hesitant hand back up and cracked open two slats of beige plastic so I could peer through.

Is it...

Lord thundering crap! Is that SUMMER?
It's been so dark and lonely stuck in my own anal cavity, drowning in my solipsistic misery, that I actually missed a change in the seasons.

Good Fuck! That can't be good. I'll stop fucking doing that.

Yeah, that sounds pretty wise. Otherwise it will be goddamn winter again before I know it, and I won't have any cute boots to wear.

I was so hurt and angry on Friday at the rejection I felt from M's parents, that I was determined to prove them right. I was gonna go out and get the most OxyContin and the most cocaine in the entire world and was gonna smack myself harder than I ever have before and that would show them that would show them that  I...uh...

Sigh. That would show them that I was the very fucking retard they suspect me to be.

Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm? Nah.

After long and careful deliberation, I've decided to accept the wise counsel of the lovely and beautiful Jewels, and start getting better again so I can rub it in their smug, judgemental faces. Perhaps not the healthiest of motivations, but sometimes you gotta take what you can get and fucking run with it, then cash it in for something better further down the road.

I've been been dithering in my complacency for months now, never doing more than I absolutely have to in order to get past my shit then wondering stupidly why I'm not getting better. As if I don't know.

Throughout my strange little life I've always somehow been a kickass underdog, sneaking up from behind those that dismiss me as worthless and sinking in my goddamn teeth to prove my point. And I'm gonna do it again.

I am not worthless, you narrow-minded...old...jerkfaces.

Oh! Um, no offense, Mr. and Mrs. C.

Well. Maybe a little.

As we all know, though, talk without action is a luxury I simply cannot afford at the moment. Clearly. So if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find some help with my terminal fucktardism.

Pissed Script: Thank-you for all your encouraging comments and emails, everybody. Please don't be offended if I don't get back to you right away, I am pretty overwhelmed at the moment with cleaning up the disaster that I have wrought. Please know that I read everything you send me, and I hold it deep in my heart.

Haha! That was so gay.

I better work on that, too.



  1. Gay or not it was a pretty cool bit you just wrote.

  2. fuckin-a, kage!
    you rock.
    and i'm so gay that i actually got teared up reading this post.
    (happy tears, happy tears)

  3. You're gay.

    No, I kid. You know I'm like the first person to read your shit? I think that means that A)I love you, B)I'm a stalker, or C)I am permanently glued to my computer because I have no life.

    It's kind of a combo of all three.

    Take your sweet ass time, Kage. Baby steps. You don't want to go balls out and fail and be back in the same hole you were in, you know?

    I'm always around if you need me, boo <3


  4. Regardless of motivation love, progress is progress and that is a good thing. You will be no less hardcore for taking this shit head on and rocking right through it. And there is no greater satisfaction than proving to people who think you are beneath them that you are indeed, far above what they expect. Good on you girlie!

  5. You are free to sound as cheesy as you wish. I am glad that you are finding comfort in our reaching out to you...because as cheesy as I sound when I say this...we care about you. Glad what I said struck a cord with you because I was at the point of looking up flight costs to the great white north to bitch slap some sense into you! ;)

    Now you do what it takes to get yourself better.

  6. Keep it up and keep going, whatever it takes.

  7. Revenge might not be the noblest of emotions but it's a hell of a motivator. There is something undeniably satisfying about about quieting critics by sticking a self-assured boot up their condescending asses. Metaphorically speaking, mostly.

  8. Oh Nice image...right into someone's ball sack.

  9. Yes Kage!!! That is the attitude to take! I am so glad right now. :) If you ever need anything, I am here for you. It's hard, but I believe in you. And there I go again getting all sappy.

  10. You gay homo! Clean your shit up, rub it in their smug faces, then go on to a life of glory of success. And keep in mind that glory doesn't mean glory hole, although I don't judge if that's your thing.

  11. You're gay, but I mean that in like hot girl-girl action, like with Sasha Grey and spatulas (kinky). Fucking Mounties are useless, I had them searching for you, but you turned yourself in.

    Also what happens in Canada in the summer when all the igloos melt? Are you guys like, homeless till winter?

    Mad Love

  12. There's nothing wrong with holding it deep in your heart. It means your boobs are the first line of defence. I hope you'll also say "My heart soars like a hawk", like 'Old Lodge Skins'.

  13. Gayness aside, we're glad to hear things are looking better. We're pulling for you!

    That sounds kinda gay too, doesn't it?

  14. Hey Henrietta (recognise that one from henrietta collins and the wife beating child haters, or was it the child beating wife haters?) Hmm cant remember but this ole man recognises a nom de plume when he see's one...
    All this gayness aside (oh by the way your not as gay as I am nyah nyah...some little fuckhead schoolkid called me, the conqueror of women's hearts and bodies, a, wait for it, FAGATRON, last week....fuck he could run fast...lucky)
    Where was I? Of something about revenge...yeah not the most noble of emotive outputs but hey, people wanna get down n dirty, come out with both barrels of snarkiness loaded. The best way to do it actually is to not even acknowledge them, and if your some reason they decide to get back into your life do the old..'and you are??' with a quizzical look on yer face...
    Get your ass back here where you are appreciated and dare i say, adored n lerved...

  15. Gotta admit that I find that kind of motivation to be one of the best - proove those suckers wrong. And then spank them with your glorius victory!

    - Keep fighting, for some reason life doesn't seem to do it without us...

  16. Oilfield Daddy,
    thanks :) sometimes i like not being retarded. but only sometimes.

    wow, that IS gay! jk, thanks hun :)

    you are by far the hottest stalker i have ever had. snap.

    thanks hun :) whatever it takes right now, right?

  17. Jewels,
    stop making me cry goddamnit! i really appreciate just how much you guys care, without ever having met me. i don't think i could stay motivated without all of your support, it's amazing just how much a bunch of people i don't know can help save my life.

    Angry Lurker,
    thanks for always sticking by me, always leaving me a comment to cheer me on. it's not terribly "angry" or "lurky", but i'll take it ;)

    Christopher Allen,

    thanks toots!

  18. Daae,
    thanks kiddo. and thanks for trying to distract me with make up questions. oooh shit, speaking of which...

    what's a glory hole???

    yeah i'm so hot i melt my igloo all year long, baby.

    speaking of which...can you put me up for a while?

    i am far too young and pretty to get your reference. but i like you, so i'm gonna look it up.

    way gayer than what I said. way.

  19. Dan,
    holy shit, i can't believe you got the henrietta collins reference! you fucking RULE.

    hahaha! fagatron.

    thanks hun :) now let's eat some kage.

  20. Good for you! Revenge makes everything sweeter. Even getting your shit together.

    Rock on!

  21. It was worth the wait for another post, even if you've smeared catharsis all over my screen

  22. Vinny C,
    thanks, hun :)

    i smeared WHAT all over your screen?!

  23. i think airport screeners waiting until lunch to masturbate would be a fair compromise.

  24. I'm here...I'm sorry. Sorry I missed the darkness. I was sorta stuck in my own ass. Not a good excuse but gives tunnel vision a whole new meaning.

    I like what Mike said...all except the glory hole stuff. Whats a glory hole? Is that like bunghole? to google and then probably bleach my eyes.

  25. sending love and happiness your way ;) miss you hunny

  26. -E-
    yeah, i shouldn't judge. if i were a tsa agent and henry rollins or jello biafra came through my gate, i'd prolly EAT their underwear. so there's that.

    i'm just glad you're here now. and when you're done bleaching your eyes, i'll throw in my marilyn manson contacts and we can go play children of the corn together.

    i miss you too paulie :)

  27. Indeed. Kage is the solution to all of this ;)


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