I'm Not A Lesbian, But...

"Shhhh. It's alright, baby, I'm here. The big scary
boogeyman can't hurt you, silly! Not now, there's TWO of us!"

"Not every person with a mustache is a pedophile. But every pedophile has a mustache."


~ Daniel Tosh

I’m not a lesbian, but I do have three gorgeous girlfriends.

Ha ha! Fuck yeah! And I wasn't even trying to get a girlfriend! Imagine how many I could get if I DID!

Ah, keep your pants on.  I'm just kidding.

These new girlfriends of mine, they  just kind of snuck up on me, really. Normally as a rule, I stay well away from girls. Cuz they're...you know. Nuts. But this whole thing started off so innocently, so innocuously, that I just didn't see it coming.

A few months ago, I emailed another blogger to ask her a question about something she had written on her blog. It didn’t really occur to me until after I had sent the email that hey, shit - I had just broken my own cardinal "stay-away-from-other-girls" rule. Shit fuck shit! I thought in a panic, gnawing anxiously on my fingernails as I waited for the world to explode. What did I just do? 

I blew out my breath and waited for one minute, then a second minute, then a third. By some strange miracle, the world didn't blow up. Instead, this girl just replied to my email. Just a nice, normal, friendly reply. 

A little stunned, I replied to her email. She replied again, I replied to that, and soon our ongoing long distance conversation was well under way.

Shortly thereafter, it happened again with another blogger. And then again with another.

Before I knew it, I had three girlfriends that I could chat with whenever I wanted. Just like normal girls do! HahahahahaH! I thought. How did that even HAPPEN?!

My "girlfriends" and I do stuff just like normal girlfriends, too. We email each other frequently, remember each other’s birthdays, and even talk on the phone occasionally. It’s like an episode of fucking Sex And The City! Except, of course, that it isn’t boring, repetitive and conspicuously disparaging to women.

If I had had the foresight at the beginning to see where this was going, that it was leading to potential friendships, I would have bailed immediately, to save myself the trouble. Past experience has taught me that the only possible outcome to befriending another girl is disaster. And that’s not being sad or pessimistic, it's just a fact of life.

For once, though, I’m glad I didn’t have any foresight and didn't set out to cock this one up. Cuz these girls are awesome.

You might also know them from around Bloggerland.

First is my beautiful boo-bear Hed, from Hed Above Water. She is my California Partner-In-Crime.

Hed and I are so similar, I swear we must have been separated at birth. She is my American doppelganger. Which I’m sure will come in very handy one day when I am evading a court of law.

Next is Heather in Seattle, from the blog Sugar Free Thoughts, who was actually the first blogger I ever talked to outside of Bloggerland. Oooh. Scary! lol

Heather’s an Irish American gal who will always make you laugh, with both her writing and with her bizarro Irish fetishes.

Seriously. What the fuck could THIS possibly be?!

And the last girl that makes up our Powder Puff Dance Troupe is that troublemaker, Crkets Galore, from Kick Her Right In The Habit.

At the beginning of the year, I saw Ckrets' badge on another site, and my curiosity was piqued by her strange title. Does she beat the shit out of nuns, or what? I wondered. I ended up trolling through her site, and thought, This chick’s funny. And then I saw she was in the same city as me and I thought, Fuckin' eh!

So those are my new girlfriends. Why the fuck should I care? I hear you ask. Well, I guess I just wanted to acknowledge these girls and let them know how much I appreciate their friendships, because of something else that happened today. Something really shitty.

Today, I got yet another prime example of how fucking nuts girls are, and that it is better to just stay away from them.

I'll tell it to you tomorrow, though. Right now, I just can't keep my eyerd op===. Sorry, that should say eyes open anymdmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm