Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm Not A Lesbian, But...

"Shhhh. It's alright, baby, I'm here. The big scary
boogeyman can't hurt you, silly! Not now, there's TWO of us!"

"Not every person with a mustache is a pedophile. But every pedophile has a mustache."

~ Daniel Tosh

I’m not a lesbian, but I do have three gorgeous girlfriends.

Ha ha! Fuck yeah! And I wasn't even trying to get a girlfriend! Imagine how many I could get if I DID!

Ah, keep your pants on.  I'm just kidding.

These new girlfriends of mine, they  just kind of snuck up on me, really. Normally as a rule, I stay well away from girls. Cuz they' know. Nuts. But this whole thing started off so innocently, so innocuously, that I just didn't see it coming.

A few months ago, I emailed another blogger to ask her a question about something she had written on her blog. It didn’t really occur to me until after I had sent the email that hey, shit - I had just broken my own cardinal "stay-away-from-other-girls" rule. Shit fuck shit! I thought in a panic, gnawing anxiously on my fingernails as I waited for the world to explode. What did I just do? 

I blew out my breath and waited for one minute, then a second minute, then a third. By some strange miracle, the world didn't blow up. Instead, this girl just replied to my email. Just a nice, normal, friendly reply. 

A little stunned, I replied to her email. She replied again, I replied to that, and soon our ongoing long distance conversation was well under way.

Shortly thereafter, it happened again with another blogger. And then again with another.

Before I knew it, I had three girlfriends that I could chat with whenever I wanted. Just like normal girls do! HahahahahaH! I thought. How did that even HAPPEN?!

My "girlfriends" and I do stuff just like normal girlfriends, too. We email each other frequently, remember each other’s birthdays, and even talk on the phone occasionally. It’s like an episode of fucking Sex And The City! Except, of course, that it isn’t boring, repetitive and conspicuously disparaging to women.

If I had had the foresight at the beginning to see where this was going, that it was leading to potential friendships, I would have bailed immediately, to save myself the trouble. Past experience has taught me that the only possible outcome to befriending another girl is disaster. And that’s not being sad or pessimistic, it's just a fact of life.

For once, though, I’m glad I didn’t have any foresight and didn't set out to cock this one up. Cuz these girls are awesome.

You might also know them from around Bloggerland.

First is my beautiful boo-bear Hed, from Hed Above Water. She is my California Partner-In-Crime.

Hed and I are so similar, I swear we must have been separated at birth. She is my American doppelganger. Which I’m sure will come in very handy one day when I am evading a court of law.

Next is Heather in Seattle, from the blog Sugar Free Thoughts, who was actually the first blogger I ever talked to outside of Bloggerland. Oooh. Scary! lol

Heather’s an Irish American gal who will always make you laugh, with both her writing and with her bizarro Irish fetishes.

Seriously. What the fuck could THIS possibly be?!

And the last girl that makes up our Powder Puff Dance Troupe is that troublemaker, Crkets Galore, from Kick Her Right In The Habit.

At the beginning of the year, I saw Ckrets' badge on another site, and my curiosity was piqued by her strange title. Does she beat the shit out of nuns, or what? I wondered. I ended up trolling through her site, and thought, This chick’s funny. And then I saw she was in the same city as me and I thought, Fuckin' eh!

So those are my new girlfriends. Why the fuck should I care? I hear you ask. Well, I guess I just wanted to acknowledge these girls and let them know how much I appreciate their friendships, because of something else that happened today. Something really shitty.

Today, I got yet another prime example of how fucking nuts girls are, and that it is better to just stay away from them.

I'll tell it to you tomorrow, though. Right now, I just can't keep my eyerd op===. Sorry, that should say eyes open anymdmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm


  1. Seriously, it's like Mother Nature fucking split our DNA and that bitch left me with the ugly!

    You're awesome. SF is awesome. I'll assume that Ckrets is awesome as well because you like her and well, you know, same brain function and all...

    Love you boo <3

  2. Kage, you are everything I could want in a girlfriend. And I've been with some chicks.

    In all honesty, I feel the same way you do about chicks as friends: stay away from them! They Crazy!! (crazy chick love is a different story though)

    You were exactly what I needed when my sad world was whirling with, well, sadness. I love the fuck out of you for that shit!

    I've always been a "hang with the guys" kinda gal. Always. But you? You are a perfect fit for my chick love. Mostly because you live in a country that I am not allowed into. So, you're safe.

    Ha!!! Kidding!!! I wish you were my fucking neighbor ya fuckin' nutcase!!! I loves ya KGB!!!! (even though I haven't recieved my goddamn pony yet)

    Cheers, Kage!

  3. Now if u could all just get together and take some dirty pictures. Life would be grand.

  4. Awwww you and all your bitches ( I say that with respect ladies) rock!
    Thanks for introducing me to these lovely ladies.

    Sorry you had some fucking nut job of a chick ruin your day. You let me know who and I'll kick her in the shins!!!

    PS. The weather blows ass.

  5. I love it when girls cosy up to each other - it reminds of the females in my harem.

  6. I've gone one step further and actually met fellow bloggers but they were male and like me....ugly.

  7. hot digiity fucking damn!
    you are the cats pj's...hed is the bees knees, ckrets is like funny with a slice of buttered rye and provolone... (an odd combo but one i reeely like)

    i guess i better go check out the sugar free chick...

    we have a lot in common, cuz, i, like her, have been with girls..

    i agree that chicks are crazy...

    however, i must point out, men are crazy too...i just happen to understand the crazy of men...

    not the peodofile type crazy but the normal crazy...

    we are all crazy...

    now, where is this evil chick that i need to go have a stern talking to???

    or become her boyfriend...cuz that would reeeelly fuck her up...

  8. I know right, girls are nuts. Most of them. You know what's funny?

    Just about every girl I know says "Oh Mike you're such a nice guy you need to get married you'll make someone a good husband blah blah blah"


    Which means men know. Which means good females like yourself are a rare sparkly gem and those who are friends with you are lucky lucky people.

  9. @ mike- as a two time loser, i must admit your friends are right.

    i may love my wife and my kids, but i do not love my marriage...

    i hate being married...

    jus' sayin'

  10. oh and has the cybeer webbeer taught us nothing???

    from my five minutes (lifetime, cumulative, cuz im all married and shit) surfing of this stuff they call porn... all hot chicks are lesbians...

    totally...five minutes will teach us all that...

    food for thought...

  11. I follow all 3 of those women and they rock.

  12. Hey babe, you hang in there. Take a step back. Crazy girls can be fun, right?

  13. Boys can be so much easier to hang out with.

    But it happened to me, too!

    Blogging is so much easier to find girlfriends. Maybe it's because behind a blog we're less prone to hide the crazy so it doesn't just spring out of nowhere one day and find yourself in the middle of an estrogen filled, jealous raged cat fight with a dash of self doubt and despair.

  14. HA!

    You sound a bit like me at times....

    although I admit I am attracted to women, so there's that...

    that is all

  15. Dude that is one amazing trio you have put together. I have to buy a tix one day to Canada.

  16. sweet? Kage made some friends.

    How long until the tequila shots come out and the girl on girl on girl on girl action begins?

  17. If you ever need a completely platonic girlfriend with a penis, you know where to find either of us.

  18. Well I'm impressed. Underneath all that foul language you're really quite a sweetheart. Hopefully you won't all go nuts on each other because that all seems quite nice.

  19. I feel the same way about finding girlfriends; I'd much rather hang out with dudes but since I've got a boyfriend that probably isn't kosher. I've got like three girlfriends that I know are cool and the rest I usually hold at arms length. It's nice to find a girl that won't stab you in the back when it's opportunistic.

  20. That's a cool story! I love that you made new friends through your blog. You are right, quite a lot of girls can be a bit psycho, but there is the odd gem out there ..... sounds like you found 3 of 'em you lucky git!

  21. I've learned that the internet can be one of the best places to start some fucking awesome relationships! :)

    As an adult. Children stay away from the internetz!!!


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