Bitches Be Craaaaazy

Do NOT touch the last piece of pie.

So, continuing from yesterday's post, here's the story of my run in with the crazy girl.

It actually started on Tuesday, when my ex boyfriend, L, sent me a happy face by SMS. 

There was no text, no message. Just a happy face, just saying hi.

Shortly thereafter, I got this text from his girlfriend:

Fuck off u waste of skin!

Oh, here we go, I thought, rolling my eyes. The last time L had texted to say hi, which was about a month ago, Michele had texted me within the hour to tell me that my cat was dead, that she had shot it in the face because I wouldn't stop talking to L.

See what I mean about chicks being nuts?

"Stay away from my man, you whore!"

I had looked at my phone on Tuesday, with this ugly message printed on it's screen, and decided to leave it alone and not reply. I just couldn't be arsed.

Amazingly, I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the day. Hooray!

Yesterday, though, I woke up to find she had texted me yet again. And then again. And again. And again.

Eventually I decided to just reply, as it was becoming clear that she wasn't going to stop until I did. And that day, I discovered that wow - Michele is a real classy lady! Full of warmth, amiability and compassion, I can see now why she's so popular and sought after, and such a pleasure to be around.

What follows is our conversation from Tuesday afternoon, written out verbatim. It’s a little hard to read, as, despite her sweet, well-spoken and clearly educated nature, Michele's spelling and grammar skills could be run into the ground by a retarded four-year-old. But I've kept true to the original script, not changing a single word of it, so that you may enjoy our exchange in all it's authentic glory.

(I have to admit that I wasn't terribly kind or mature either in this interaction, and I am not proud of the fact that I sank to her level of sophomoric asininity. However, in my defense...um...SHE STARTED IT. lol. But seriously, I've tried to get along with her and she still just fucking hates me, I've tried ignoring her and she still just fucking hates me, and that day she just would not stop texting. So I decided that hey, just this once, I'm gonna act like an ignorant little shit, too.)

* (sp) means spelling mistake.

Michele: Hopeo (sp)  ur ready for u GOT coming u waste of skin food and everything..everyone says the samething(sp) ur a waste and ur poor mother has to live with it..I have told u more then (sp) once to Fuck off (have you? you should be more dramatic, i hadn't noticed)..even L says ur a fuckin mess who sure do ourselfs (sorry, who?) (sp) and parents a favor and take a whole bottle of pills (of oxies? no problem!). Ur mom will probably by(sp) them for u if u promise to take them all at one time (yeah, my mum's awesome like that, she always "bys" me stuff)...Bottom line Fuck off don’t contact L again or you will have big problems! Or(sp) and fyi...he told me to let u have it. tell u what We think of u. U have done nothing but use L (hey Michele, how's that free rent going for you and your kids? i hope it doesn't interfere with your smoking pot all day and not getting a job) and give him a bad rep (yes, he's a poor shrinking violet)...Lmao not one person says anything good about u besides or(sp) not here anymore (hey, that's what I say too! haha!)...so Fuck off and go...od(sp) ur self.

Kage: Ooooh, BURN. I see someone’s been thoroughly enjoying my blog! Don’t blame yourself, it’s a great read. Though it must have taken you a while to get through, with all those big words! Anyway, thanks for the laugh. Like I give a shit what you think? Hahahahahahahaha!

Michele: Blog don’t know what ur talking about L tells what a fuckin waste u r. Beth (L’s mum), Lee (L’s dad), roxy Eric all of Vulcan thinks ur a waste (oh no!)  this Beth calls u a slut

Kage: Hahaha! So?

Michele: Even big guy (big guy?!) says u should do the world a favor and kill urs (sp)...Aww cry him a river you little cunt u don’t get it you will very soon oh Dancer knows you have been sending Her Boyfriend pictures of ur self too(that's news to me. did i look good?)...Fuck ur stupid...Watch yourself...You have more trouble then u can handle coming ur way Lmao...Can’t wait to see what u look like after...hahahaha but you would not stop! (stop what?)...Call going to ur mom today too (oh, good. ask her to bring home some ice cream, would you? we're all out)...Calling him and cry makes it worse everytime for u!

Kage: Do I really need to point out that he’s the one who keeps calling me, sweetheart? (apparently I do.) Instead of trying to control L to make him love you, why don’t you just stop being such a cunt to him?

Michele: He has told me u tried today (sure did) already he feels the same way as me (no one feels the shit you do, hun)...Oh he loves me. does lots to show it i got no worries there (really? then what's this all about, then?)...u reck(sp) his life (yeah, he had nothing to do with it, he's certainly not a grown man who can make his own decisions) everyone is trying to help him fix the mess u made...but thanks. (you're welcome) No worries he is reading these texts right now. (yes, i'm sure he would totally condone this behavior. if he were five years old again.)

Kage: Really. Well, tell him I say hi. And again I will just point out that I didn’t contact him, he contacted me. So grow up and fuck off, and stop texting me. I don’t have time for your high school bull shit. Oh, and be sure to keep enjoying my blog ;)

Michele: No u call im (sp) him called missed calls and he calls u back...so u just Fuck off and everything will be all good. (mmmm...nah)

Kage: Is that what he tells you? lol

Michele: And ur a fine one to talk bout a way to treat him...coming home knocked up with someone eles kids (didn't happen, but whatever)...i would have made u kill it too (is that supposed to upset me? cuz i "love" kids so much? hahaha!)...No he shows me on his phone stupid

Kage: Hey, how are your dead babies, by the way? Anyway, again, I’m busy, so please fuck off.

(after 20 minutes with no contact)

Michele: Lol my babies r great dead babies no clue what ur talking bout...lol...so anyway again u Fuck off and everyone will be happy...enjoy ur day of barfing and standing in the bathroom crying bout what a waste u r. (hmmm. that does sound pretty fun)

Kage: Hahaha! Actually, I think I’ll spend the day being grateful I’m not a fucked up cunt like you ;)

Michele: That right im proud to ne(sp) a cunt and im the biggest Bitch one would ever meet after on my bad side...but i love myself and everything about me! (hahahahahaha! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. oh wait, you're serious?) To (sp) bad u can’t truly say the same about ut (sp) self  (well,  maybe one day, I can be as good a person as you...)...your number is blocked from our phones now text and calls.

Kage: So does that mean you’ll stop texting me? Hooray!

Ugh. I know. It's like an episode of Jersey Shore, isn't it? (One assumes). 

Like I said, I am not proud of my behavior, but she just wouldn't give up. Besides, Tuesday was kind of boring, I needed something to do anyway.

And with that, I would like to invite you one last time, Michele, to please fuck off and leave me alone. I'm not after your boyfriend, I don't give a shit about you, and this drama is better suited to an elementary school playground than real life.