Monday, February 21, 2011

Take Me Back, Or I'll Drown Our Dog

"I swear to God, Kage's boobs are like this big..."


Hey! 
This is how life should be 
So I'll pretend it is 
Happy news 
For happy people 
With happy problems 


(Headlines) 
Tell a person something 
(Good news)
Long enough they'll believe 
(Anything)
What they think is real 
Instead of what they see


~ Tumor Circus w/ Jello Biafra


Wanna hear something gross?

Sure you do.

I let my two smaller dogs stay in the bathroom with me whenever I shower. (That’s not the gross part, pervie). Well, I guess it’s not so much a case of “letting” them stay in the bathroom with me, as much as it is a “Chiclet figured out how to open the goddamn door so I don’t really have any choice” sort of scenario.

I stepped out of the shower last Thursday night to discover that the door was wide open, the bathroom was freezing cold, and my dogs were long gone.

“Hey, thanks for closing the door behind you, assholes,” I yelled into the hallway, as I slammed the bathroom door shut.

“What?!” I heard my mum yell in reply, and I grinned. Let her have a think on that one, I thought.

As I walked back to the sink, I felt something squish between my toes, and looked down to see what it was. What on earth would I have left on my bathroom floor that was wet like that? Was that water?

And that’s when I discovered why my fucking dogs had done a runner.

“Shit!” I screamed. “Like, literally! Shit! Fucking shit! You little bastards! Aaaarrrgggggh!”

“Kage!” I heard my mother yell from the hallway. “Stop yelling random swears into the ether! For pity’s sake.”

“I’ve shit between my toes, Mum,” I moaned. “I can swear all I fucking want to.” But she had already walked away again.

I got back in the shower and cleaned off my foot, certain it would have to be amputated. When it was free of dog poo, I tiptoed out of the shower again, and cleaned up the bath mats by picking them up and chucking them out of the back door and into the garden.

There! Clean.

Then I wrapped a bathrobe around myself and shook out my wet hair, and walked out into the hallway.

It was time to get down to the real business at hand. SOMEBODY IN TROUBLE.

“Chiclet, Misha!” I called sweetly. “Come see Mummy, babies! Come on!”

Dumb, innocent and trusting, they came running.

Suckers.

“Come on, into my room,” I sang, and ushered them in. Then I closed the door behind me and spun around wildly, laughing gleefully.

“I’ve got you now, you little fuckers!” I cried. “Which one of you shit on Mummy’s bath mat? Huh? WHO DID IT?”

Chiclet ran excitedly to the end of my room, and came back a moment later with her blue squeaky toy, wound up by all the fuss.

Well, she was no goddamn help.

Misha just sat and wagged her tail. She wasn’t much help, either.

“Don’t wanna talk, huh?” I glared at them. “We’ll see about that.” I reached down and plopped Misha into her doggy bed.

“You’ll talk to Von Teddy!” I declared. “He haz vays ov making you talk!” And I shoved my police bear into Misha’s bed.

Misha, refusing to cooperate with Sturmbannfuhrer Von Teddy.
Even under the spot light.

Nothing.

“Alright, then,” I stood up and turned around. “Chiclet!” And I ran to the end of the room.

Chiclet vociferously defended her innocence, claiming her blue squeaky toy as alibi.

"I didn't do nothing, Copper! You ain't got 
nothing on me, see?"

Could it have been Billy? I wondered, and turned around to ask Von Teddy what he thought.

What I saw shocked and terrified me, and I knew right then that I’d never get my answer. These three, they were professionals. I was way out of my element.

Billy, viciously murdering Sturmbannfuhrer Von Teddy.

I backed slowly out of the room, my hands in the air. "Um...you know what? It doesn't matter, guys. Doesn't matter. Mummy doesn't care anymore."

I turned to flee, but I stepped in something wet and mushy on my way out the door.

Arrrrgghhh. GODDAMN DOGS!


.

22 comments:

  1. Oh wow...that is right up there with puke. Stepping in poop is just not okay...it really is the between the toes squish that does it. Ick!

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  2. Ha ha! So gross! Your dogs are very cute though! :)

    Man, I'm glad my dog only goes outside! =P

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  3. Ah nothing like stepping in squishy dog shit.

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  4. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
    Shitty deal but at least you turned it into something for our amusement. That is greatly appreciated, chickie.
    Great pix of you're doggies!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I say it was the little one. Yeah, the little one did it. No! Billy did not call me and rat Misha out. Ok. Maybe he did. And the fucker called collect sooooo....it looks like you owe me 50 rubles, or whatever kind of money you use up there.

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  6. It wasn't Misha, or Billy, or Chidet. Because it was ME!

    MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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  7. that tis a shitaroo...

    and yes, behind that playful exhuberance and lickity-lickity, smiley faces tongue rolls out mirth is the mind of diabloical genius.

    i am lucky that bruce has yet to figure that out...

    shit..here he comes...

    late
    kage-y

    the TuckMonster
    TuckMonster JADIP
    TuckMonster's Evil Twin
    stupid BARKS I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling DOG
    DOGmodeling!
    The DOG Book
    The DOGBook

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  8. At least it was a "step" and not a "slip", but still. I would want to chop off my foot too if it had doo all over it.

    Maybe your mum was REALLY fucking with you...?

    hed hed above water

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  9. Well aren't pets a nice things? :D

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  10. U just can't trust anybody in a turtleneck sweater. I say Misha's guilty as shit. She's trying to hide behind her canine cuteness. Don't fall for it.

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  11. Bloody funny post Kage! Your dogs are bastards. It makes me glad I am not on my own ;-) x

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  12. okay, so we've narrowed it down, everyone.

    the culprit was misha, mike the blogger, or my mum...

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  13. I bet if you withhold treats and shower watching privileges they'll come clean. BTW...I hear that stepping in $#@ $is good luck in Canada.

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  14. Having a dog is on par with having a child... you just kinda get used to the piss/shit/puke/whatever else comes out of their bodies.

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  15. Copyboy,
    who told you that stepping on shit is good luck in canada?!?!?!

    Beer4Shower,
    i shall never get used to it! never!

    oh, look, there's some more on the rug. i'll just leave it.

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  16. Copyboy - A Canadian must have told you that to make you feel better.

    We're polite like that.

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  17. One of my dogs this morning came back in from his morning shit, ran into the front room whipped a bar of chocolate off a coffee table and pissed off eating it on the run, guilty as charged.

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  18. Ckrets,
    i'm not polite like that ;)

    Angry Lurker,
    sounds like your dog is smarter than the three of mine, put together.

    haha! the little fucker. i bet it was your favorite chocolate bar, too.

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  19. Yeah, I've had the freshly washed, then freshly squashed dog turd experience. But I fell over on this one it was sooo slippy.
    Suffice to say the poor dog didn't shit for a month afterwards...

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  20. Come down south and i'll show you nasty. I was in the habit of going barefoot in my own yard "Shocker." Until one day i dont look down and step in cow shit. Now you thought dog shit was bad? Damn cows!

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  21. Haha, i never stepped in dog shit but i did step on a slug in bare feet once. I got temporary ocd that night, washing and washing...
    Those dogs are too cute, you will never get one to grass on the other though, for grassing you need a cat.

    ReplyDelete

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