|"I swear to God, Kage's boobs are like this big..."|
This is how life should be
So I'll pretend it is
For happy people
With happy problems
Tell a person something
Long enough they'll believe
What they think is real
Instead of what they see
~ Tumor Circus w/ Jello Biafra
Wanna hear something gross?
Sure you do.
I let my two smaller dogs stay in the bathroom with me whenever I shower. (That’s not the gross part, pervie). Well, I guess it’s not so much a case of “letting” them stay in the bathroom with me, as much as it is a “Chiclet figured out how to open the goddamn door so I don’t really have any choice” sort of scenario.
I stepped out of the shower last Thursday night to discover that the door was wide open, the bathroom was freezing cold, and my dogs were long gone.
“Hey, thanks for closing the door behind you, assholes,” I yelled into the hallway, as I slammed the bathroom door shut.
“What?!” I heard my mum yell in reply, and I grinned. Let her have a think on that one, I thought.
As I walked back to the sink, I felt something squish between my toes, and looked down to see what it was. What on earth would I have left on my bathroom floor that was wet like that? Was that water?
And that’s when I discovered why my fucking dogs had done a runner.
“Shit!” I screamed. “Like, literally! Shit! Fucking shit! You little bastards! Aaaarrrgggggh!”
“Kage!” I heard my mother yell from the hallway. “Stop yelling random swears into the ether! For pity’s sake.”
“I’ve shit between my toes, Mum,” I moaned. “I can swear all I fucking want to.” But she had already walked away again.
I got back in the shower and cleaned off my foot, certain it would have to be amputated. When it was free of dog poo, I tiptoed out of the shower again, and cleaned up the bath mats by picking them up and chucking them out of the back door and into the garden.
Then I wrapped a bathrobe around myself and shook out my wet hair, and walked out into the hallway.
It was time to get down to the real business at hand. SOMEBODY IN TROUBLE.
“Chiclet, Misha!” I called sweetly. “Come see Mummy, babies! Come on!”
Dumb, innocent and trusting, they came running.
“Come on, into my room,” I sang, and ushered them in. Then I closed the door behind me and spun around wildly, laughing gleefully.
“I’ve got you now, you little fuckers!” I cried. “Which one of you shit on Mummy’s bath mat? Huh? WHO DID IT?”
Chiclet ran excitedly to the end of my room, and came back a moment later with her blue squeaky toy, wound up by all the fuss.
Well, she was no goddamn help.
Misha just sat and wagged her tail. She wasn’t much help, either.
“Don’t wanna talk, huh?” I glared at them. “We’ll see about that.” I reached down and plopped Misha into her doggy bed.
“You’ll talk to Von Teddy!” I declared. “He haz vays ov making you talk!” And I shoved my police bear into Misha’s bed.
|Misha, refusing to cooperate with Sturmbannfuhrer Von Teddy.|
Even under the spot light.
“Alright, then,” I stood up and turned around. “Chiclet!” And I ran to the end of the room.
Chiclet vociferously defended her innocence, claiming her blue squeaky toy as alibi.
|"I didn't do nothing, Copper! You ain't got |
nothing on me, see?"
Could it have been Billy? I wondered, and turned around to ask Von Teddy what he thought.
What I saw shocked and terrified me, and I knew right then that I’d never get my answer. These three, they were professionals. I was way out of my element.
|Billy, viciously murdering Sturmbannfuhrer Von Teddy.|
I backed slowly out of the room, my hands in the air. "Um...you know what? It doesn't matter, guys. Doesn't matter. Mummy doesn't care anymore."
I turned to flee, but I stepped in something wet and mushy on my way out the door.
Arrrrgghhh. GODDAMN DOGS!