Thursday, February 17, 2011

Happiness In Slavery

"Oh Trent, you're such a poppet, holding my award for me..."

Don’t open your eyes, you won’t like what you see
The devils of truth steal the souls of the free
Don’t open your eyes, take it from me
I have found, you can find

Happiness in Slavery

I don't know what I am 
I don't know where I've been
Human junk 
Just words and so much skin

Stick my hands thru the cage 
Of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big broken machine

~ Nine Inch Nails

I haven’t been around for a few days, now. 
On Monday I went for the first of a few dental surgeries. During my time under, I am quite certain that Dr. Yu and his assistant removed my teeth and replaced them with tooth-shaped cyanide capsules, so they could sit back and watch the hilarity ensue.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking, but I AM NOT PARANOID.
All I’m saying is, they’re watching me.

I’ve spent the past several days under my blankets, bemoaning my soon-approaching death and my apparent lack of adequate dental hygiene. Actually, it’s less a lack of  proper care of my teeth, and more an irrational and irrepressible fear of the dentist that has lead me to my current state of misery, but whatever. You say tomato, I saw Ow, my teeth hurt hurt. Anyway, Mr. Rollins, my beloved MacBook (cuz I get to touch it all the time, get it? GET IT?), was but a mere two feet away, on the floor beside my bed, but I was too lost in my solipsistic misery to lean over and pick him up and do anything productive. Besides that, I could see that he was far too busy, working double duty as Billy’s hot water bottle.

Anyhoo, in my absence, I have been remiss in acknowledging a few things that really deserve to be acknowledged. I need to apologize to the adorable Jewels, who very kindly threw an award my way over the weekend:

I was planning to respond to her generosity on Monday, as Sunday was, of course, my imaginary boyfriend Henry Rollins' birthday, which obviously takes precedence over everything in the entire world. In fact, I was somewhat looking forward to seeing what nonsensical gobbledygook would flow from my fingers, fresh from general anesthetic as I would be on Monday afternoon. However, I failed to account for the sleepiness that would overtake me the moment I saw my bed.
And here we are, three days later. 
In accepting this award, I realized that I forgot to pass along another award, that was given to me by my buddy Sugar Free, at Sugar Free Thoughts.

Christ. I’m up to my boobs in unrequited awards, here. And so, here we go. Here’s the seven things you don’t want to know about me:
  1. Besides Henry Rollins, I wish Stephen Colbert and 1979 Jello Biafra lived in my pants. I’m not sure if you knew that. Did you know that? Now you do.
  2. I don’t know why I’m so angry and hateful sometimes. Or maybe I do, and I just don’t want to tell you. I like my charm to remain something of a mystery.
  3. I was in a movie once, called “Confessions of a Go Go Girl”. It was terrible, but my boobs looked fantastic.
  4. When I was little, I owned a pair of Wonder Woman flip flops. I loved them, and cried when me mum threw them away.
  5. I once got suspended from elementary school for paying two girls to kiss on the school bus.
  6. I used to have an office job. I made roughly the same amount of money in a month that I made in a weekend dancing, so I chucked it after nine months.
  7. I am supposedly good with children, but they terrify the shit out of me. I’m so scared they’ll break, and that I’ll be the one to blame.
Okay, so the Jadip award I am giving to a girl named Daae, at Fickle Frustrations (and other such things). Daae and I were in hop-sital together, though she has made it through a lot more successfully than I. She is an amazing young woman, who keeps fighting every day, and though I’d shoot myself in the face before I’d tell her, I’m very proud of her for how far she has come. Plus, she’s going to be a famous concert flutist one day, and I fully plan on riding her coat tails to infinity. 
Now, here’s my seven suckers for the Stylish Blogger award:

These are all really well written and funny blogs. Take a sec and go check 'em out.

 I’m going back to bed, to die of cyanide poisoning. 


  1. Awwww...tooth pain sucks! Sorry you were down and out for a bit. Of course Henry's Birthday is more important than any silly award I give you! :-) I must admit I'm a bit bummed to miss out on your pain med rants...but totally understand lack of motivation to move in that kind of pain. PS...Oh Trent...looking good!!!

  2. I always put off the dentist, and end up with infinity cavities. I think my mouth is more filling than actual tooth at this point.

    Also, THANKS!

  3. I'm so sad that you're gonna die from cyanide tooth poisoning. I wish more people were aware that "doctors" are trying to kill us all with their fancy little "treatments". They probably put a micro chip in your gums that'll become activated whenever you hear Justin Bieber, at which time you'll turn into a mormon ninja hell bent on destroying punk rock and pornography. The world is sad.

  4. Congrats on your award.

    I hope you get to feeling better soon.

  5. A few things:

    #1 - if dogs could recognize pictures, my dog Jinx would probably fall in love with Billy
    #2 - Dr. Yu gave you cyanide teeth because he likely doesn't have the same skill as my dentist, Dr. GiantHairyApeFist. My doctor dislocates my jaw so bad that immigrants have now taken residence in my mouth.
    #3 - Your boobs weren't the only thing that looked fantastic. You did notice the somewhat prolonged crotch shot, right? That director was a HUGE pervert. Hurrah!
    #4 - my buddies wife made me hold her son when he was literally a few hours old. WTF. I thought I was going to break him. Why do people do this to us?

    That is all.

  6. Hehe, can you blame your dog for wanting to be close to Mr. Rollins, too?
    And that is one cute dog! IWANTONE!!!

    Aw crap, an award, what do I do now?! (=thanks, I appriciate it).

  7. Your dog is big and fluffy and scared of Justin Bieber. I am in love.

  8. Hope you're starting to feel better.

    Confessions of a Go-Go girl wasn't on Netflix. Darn, I'll have to go elsewhere for my boobie fix now.

  9. First of the doggy.

    Also Wonder Woman flipflops?? Bitchin'

    Feel better there chickadee!

  10. Oh Kage. You crazy little vixen, you. What have you gone and done now? Me? Stylish? What can I say....except you bet your Canadian ass I am! Thanks lady!!!

  11. YAY! Thanks! I added it to my page holla!

    And the trick is to furnish a suit made out of tin foil. It keeps out the people SPYING ON YOUR BRAIN!!!

    Hee hee look

    hed hed above water

  12. Jewels,
    mmmm...doesn't trent look delicious? giving hank a run for his money, he is.

    me too :(

    and you're welcome :)

    *sob* that IS sad! fucking bieber.

    Oilfield Daddy,
    thank-you, daddy.

    all i saw was "prolonged crotch shot. hurrah!"


    you're welcome. and billy says "take me for a goddamn walk"

    you will be buying billy dinner first, my friend. he is not that kind of dog.

    Christopher Allen,
    no you will NOT be getting your boobie fix somewhere else, goddamnit. i'll send you the link.

    they were bitchin', weren't they?!

    Sugar Free,
    haha! bet my canadian ass.

    you do realize it's not as valuable as your american ass, right?

    omigod, i watched that video. SO true, man. so true.


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