|"Oh Trent, you're such a poppet, holding my award for me..."|
Don’t open your eyes, you won’t like what you see
The devils of truth steal the souls of the free
Don’t open your eyes, take it from me
I have found, you can find
Happiness in Slavery
I don't know what I am
I don't know where I've been
Just words and so much skin
Stick my hands thru the cage
Of this endless routine
Just some flesh caught in this big broken machine
~ Nine Inch Nails
I haven’t been around for a few days, now.
On Monday I went for the first of a few dental surgeries. During my time under, I am quite certain that Dr. Yu and his assistant removed my teeth and replaced them with tooth-shaped cyanide capsules, so they could sit back and watch the hilarity ensue.
Now, I know what you’re all thinking, but I AM NOT PARANOID.
All I’m saying is, they’re watching me.
I’ve spent the past several days under my blankets, bemoaning my soon-approaching death and my apparent lack of adequate dental hygiene. Actually, it’s less a lack of proper care of my teeth, and more an irrational and irrepressible fear of the dentist that has lead me to my current state of misery, but whatever. You say tomato, I saw Ow, my teeth hurt hurt. Anyway, Mr. Rollins, my beloved MacBook (cuz I get to touch it all the time, get it? GET IT?), was but a mere two feet away, on the floor beside my bed, but I was too lost in my solipsistic misery to lean over and pick him up and do anything productive. Besides that, I could see that he was far too busy, working double duty as Billy’s hot water bottle.
Anyhoo, in my absence, I have been remiss in acknowledging a few things that really deserve to be acknowledged. I need to apologize to the adorable Jewels, who very kindly threw an award my way over the weekend:
I was planning to respond to her generosity on Monday, as Sunday was, of course, my imaginary boyfriend Henry Rollins' birthday, which obviously takes precedence over everything in the entire world. In fact, I was somewhat looking forward to seeing what nonsensical gobbledygook would flow from my fingers, fresh from general anesthetic as I would be on Monday afternoon. However, I failed to account for the sleepiness that would overtake me the moment I saw my bed.
And here we are, three days later.
In accepting this award, I realized that I forgot to pass along another award, that was given to me by my buddy Sugar Free, at Sugar Free Thoughts.
Christ. I’m up to my boobs in unrequited awards, here. And so, here we go. Here’s the seven things you don’t want to know about me:
- Besides Henry Rollins, I wish Stephen Colbert and 1979 Jello Biafra lived in my pants. I’m not sure if you knew that. Did you know that? Now you do.
- I don’t know why I’m so angry and hateful sometimes. Or maybe I do, and I just don’t want to tell you. I like my charm to remain something of a mystery.
- I was in a movie once, called “Confessions of a Go Go Girl”. It was terrible, but my boobs looked fantastic.
- When I was little, I owned a pair of Wonder Woman flip flops. I loved them, and cried when me mum threw them away.
- I once got suspended from elementary school for paying two girls to kiss on the school bus.
- I used to have an office job. I made roughly the same amount of money in a month that I made in a weekend dancing, so I chucked it after nine months.
- I am supposedly good with children, but they terrify the shit out of me. I’m so scared they’ll break, and that I’ll be the one to blame.
Okay, so the Jadip award I am giving to a girl named Daae, at Fickle Frustrations (and other such things). Daae and I were in hop-sital together, though she has made it through a lot more successfully than I. She is an amazing young woman, who keeps fighting every day, and though I’d shoot myself in the face before I’d tell her, I’m very proud of her for how far she has come. Plus, she’s going to be a famous concert flutist one day, and I fully plan on riding her coat tails to infinity.
Now, here’s my seven suckers for the Stylish Blogger award:
These are all really well written and funny blogs. Take a sec and go check 'em out.
I’m going back to bed, to die of cyanide poisoning.