Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Loose Nut(s)

How Henry will greet my family at our wedding reception.
Hopefully.
Loose nut in my head 
A bolt of lightning between my legs 
I can't think straight my mind's a mess 
I only see straight when I'm being led  


Loose nut, I want head 
The loneliness I dread 
Loose nut, you can help 
Be with me so I don't hurt myself 


Loose nut, no bolt fits 
My head is giving me fits 
Loose nut, looking for diversion 
Just anything that'll let me stick it in  


~ Black Flag


I wandered into Dad’s office this afternoon, looking for some answers to life's most important, philosophical questions.

“Hey Dad? What the shit is a 'podcast'?” I asked him as I walked through the door.

“Don’t say shit, Kage,” he said, without looking up from his paperwork. “It’s rude.”

I rolled my eyes. “Fine,” I said, turning on my heel and stomping out of his office.

I came back in a moment later.  “Hey Dad? What the fuck is a 'podcast'?”

He sighed and threw his pen onto his desk, then swiveled around slowly in his chair to face me. “Very nice, Kage,” he said drily. “Really. That's fantastic. Now, then, Miss I-don’t-take-off-my-iPod-for-anyone. You really don’t know what a podcast is?”

“Nooooooooo, Stephen Hawking, I really don’t know what a podcast is,” I said haughtily, and pushed his papers aside so I could park my ass on his desk. “I never had a reason to give a fucking shit before.” I grinned broadly. "Hahahaha! Do you see what I just did there? I used both swears to-"

"Yeah, I got it," Dad rolled his eyes, then dropped his head wearily into his hands. “Look, kiddo. Why don’t we just skip the fun part where I explain it all to you, and you swear a lot but don’t actually listen, and you just tell me what the hell you want?”

“Dad, don’t say hell,” I gasped, my eyes wide. “It’s rude.”

“I’m not helping you,” he announced, and pushed on my shoulder to try and yank his papers out from under my arse. “Beat it. Get lost. Go ask your mother, you heathen child.”

“Okay, okay, okay,” I grinned, pushing back with all my weight, effectively cementing his papers to the desk with my left butt cheek. “I’ll be good. Please help me, oh all-knowing father?”

I smiled winningly, a la overachieving Broadway star.

He glared up at me. “What do you want?”

“Well, now! My imaginary boyfriend has this radio show in California, see,” I began, smiling wistfully and shaking my head in wonder at the romance of it all, like Henry Rollins' entire radio show is dedicated to me or something.

Which it should be.

“What?” Dad asked with interest. “1979 Jello Biafra has a radio show?”

I stopped twirling my hair and looked at my father like he was a complete idiot. “No, Dad,” I said condescendingly. “How could my imaginary boyfriend from the past have a current radio show? That’s just stupid.”

“Oh, right, right,” Dad smirked. “How thoughtless of me.”

“Quite,” I agreed. “No, this is my imaginary boyfriend and personal trainer from the present, Henry Rollins,” I explained. “He does a radio show in LA or something, and I want to know if I can somehow get my hands on it. Ergo, I need to know what a podcast is.”

“Okay, well, just go onto iTunes, and search for it under podcasts,” Dad said.

“And...?” I prompted.

He looked at me quizzically. “And then download it.”

“That’s it?” I said, astounded.

“That’s it,” he said.

“For free?” I demanded.

“For free,” he agreed.

“You mean I could have been listening to Henry this whole time?" I cried. "Instead of talking to YOU?”

“You’re welcome, Kage,” he said sarcastically, and managed to yank most of his papers out from underneath me. “Now get out of my office. Oh, and next time you have a question? Please, go and harass your mother. I'm mad at her right now.”

"'We're gonna have a t.v. party tonight!'" I yelled loudly along to my iPod as a response, and danced out of the room.

I’m a-coming, Henry!!! I thought gleefully to myself, and thundered back up the stairs to throw myself in front of my computer again.

Let the search begin! Soon we shall be united, mein liebe!

.................................

...............*cricket*..............

..................................

Uh...I’ll have to let you guys know what I find, if if if WHEN I find it.

It’s gonna take a little longer than I thought.

Seeing as I don’t actually know what an “iTune” is, either.

God damn it.

15 comments:

  1. You do dialogue and crickets so well. Are you saying Stephen Hawking had no idea that Henry has a podcast? What about Trent? Does it know?

    ReplyDelete
  2. http://twfps.com/

    The Watt from Pedro Show is pretty fucking sweet too... the website even has a guide to finding the podcast on itunes... theoretically you could replace the name Mike Watt with Henry Rollins and find it... haha

    I picture you literally up on your dad's desk looking down at him.

    "We're gonna have a TV party tonight!"
    FUCKING AMAZING.

    ReplyDelete
  3. If I was your father, I would have popped a heart valve by now.

    But seeing as we're both the same age, I couldn't be your father unless I somehow learned how to time travel.

    And if I could time travel, I'd go back far enough to get a baby T-Rex to train as my personal transport/body guard/eater of Justin Bieber.

    ReplyDelete
  4. That was fucking funny. You called your dad Stephen Hawking.

    ReplyDelete
  5. “How could my imaginary boyfriend from the past have a current radio show? That’s just stupid.”

    Parents can be so daft.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Rafa,
    tee hee! you just love me for my rack. *sob* that's so sweet.

    Copyboy,
    uh...who the hell is stephen hawking? and trent will shut the fuck up and do as he's told.

    Kev D,
    i'm glad you thought i was amazing. my dad sure didn't.

    and i am going to check out that site, i'll keep you posted. fingers crossed.

    Mike,
    cool! can i watch while you and your baby dino kill justin beiber?

    and if you were my father? it would make a lot of our conversations EXTREMELY inappropriate. in fact, you'd prolly be going to jail.

    Oilfield Daddy,
    hahahaha! thanks! um...again, who the hell is stephen hawking?

    Sugar Free,
    i know, right? it's like, dad, try and keep up with my imaginary boyfriends, alright? jesus christ.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Absolutely bloody brilliant! Your writing took me right in that office with your dad! You're talented gal. But I still don't know who Henry Rollins is.

    P.S. Please tell me you figured out how to download podcasts? Have you got an iPhone by the way?

    ReplyDelete
  8. Just recently found your blog... don't remember how exactly, but love it! so here's something you might be interested in... http://www.kcrw.com/music/programs/hr

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Lady M,
    WHOO, girl! stick around, you'll know who henry rollins is soon enough ;)

    but in a brief synopsis...former lead singer of the punk band black flag, then had his own self named band, now tours the world doing an awesome stand-up-comedy-esque type show, and has his own radio program in cali.

    oh, and he is FUCKING BEAUTIFUL.

    Eman,
    dude! thank-you SO MUCH! i went to this site and found a bunch of henry's shows! YOU RULE. THANK-YOU.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey Kage, Tuesday morning I have awarded you with a blog award that you need to come and get.

    ReplyDelete
  11. iTunes is the devil, but if you can get some good Rollins off of it, well, power to you.

    ReplyDelete
  12. just wandered over from hed site...also notice you post some funny shit on Oilfieldtrash's comments, thought id just look around and what the fuck ever.

    great post...thanks for the laugh!

    Bruce
    Bruce Johnson JADIP
    Evil Twin
    stupid stuff I see and hear
    The Dreamodeling Guy
    dreamodeling!
    The Guy Book
    The Guy Book

    ReplyDelete
  13. That poem is perfect for Rollins!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Oilfield Daddy,
    hahaha! um...what?

    Beer4Shower,
    i pay for itunes! i swear! i don't know what you're inferring!

    gotta go now.

    Bruce,
    welcome to my insanity! please, just sign this very important waiver...

    incidentally, i stalked you back :)

    Major Mack,
    you think? as in, WEDDING VOWS perfect???

    i think so too.

    ReplyDelete

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