Tuesday, January 11, 2011

I Don't Care

Henry: Yeah, Kage, yeah, one more rep, baby. 
One more rep, and I'll take off these pesky shorts.
Kage: (throwing weights across entire gym) 
ALL DONE HENRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I don't care - gonna fuck you anyways
I don't care - your boyfriend's here anyways
I don't care - you've got a tampon in anyways
I don't care - well you're gross anyways


I don't care
(Haha! You're ugly)


I don't care - well you're messed up anyways
I don't care - you're a doggy anyways
I don't care - you got a dull place anyways
I don't care - well you look like you're pregnant anyways


I don't care


I don't care - well you're gross anyways
I don't care - your boyfriend's here anyways
I don't care - and your parents are here too


I don't care


~ Black Flag lyrics 
(also, Henry's vows to me at our wedding)



Sigh. I’ve got a butt load of meetings at the hop-sital this week.

Haha! Don’t I sound self important?

I’m not. Just a run-of-the-mill pain in the arse.

But it’s amazing how often they’re the same thing, n’est pas?

Today I thought I was seeing Asian Persuasion Tiana for “Nutritional Counseling”, or “Stop Being Such A Fucktard, Kage”, as I like to call it; but when I got there, I was in for a big surprise.

No teeny, tiny asian girls for me today! Nope, turns out Asian Persuasion Tiana ran screaming has moved on from the Eating Disorders program at Children’s Hop-sital.

Gulp.

Which left only...

“Hello, Kage,” Aryan Nation Tiana said coolly, walking into the office and approaching my chair. SHIT FUCK SHIT! I screamed inwardly, and recoiled in fear. I suspected instantly from her demeanor that she had gotten ahold of my blog address and read it ( DAMN you, Wikileak), and I started to sink back as far as I could into the depths of my chair.

“I don’t wanna die,” I whimpered softly to myself, as I watched her approach on the warpath towards me.  “Well, I mean, I do,” I corrected myself hastily. “But not HERE, and not with HER." I kept babbling stupidly into the collar of my jacket as she drew ever nearer. "More like... more like from erotic asphyxiation," I decided fervently. "At the hands of Henry Rollins and Trent Reznor, you know? Something GOOD.”

SHUT UP, KAGE.

She reached my chair and stood before me expectantly. Oh God, I thought suddenly, slightly hysterical. Did I just say erotic asphyxiation OUT LOUD?


“Kage,” she said again.

“ ‘llo,” I mumbled reluctantly, staring out at her from the furry recesses of my winter jacket.

 “Come on,” she said politely. “Let’s go to my office.”

I took a deep breath, then stood up silently and followed her. The brave soldier, facing her demise, and all that. I could be courageous in my final moments, I decided heroically.

We went into her office and sat down, and to my surprise (and boredom), she started asking all the normal questions counselors always ask nutters. Nothing about anything outside of the program.

Well! All I can say is, if she did read my blog, she was very professional and made absolutely no mention of what a complete asshole I can be, and in fact WAS, towards her.

PHEW! I thought, and relaxed into my chair. I was so relieved! No confrontations for Kage today! Hooray!

So we talked some crap about how I was doing, and then it was time to talk about what I was eating. I whipped out the diet that Michaela had given me, and handed it over.

*Just to fill you in*: Another dancer named Michaela was competing in fitness this summer, and paid a nutritionist to tell her what to eat, to get ready to compete. She then emailed the diet to me so I could follow it too, which is what I handed over to Tiana.

“Whoa,” Aryan Nation Tiana said, once she had looked over my sheets of paper. “I’m not sure about this diet, Kage.”

I raised my eyebrows. Wrong answer, sweetheart, I thought.

“Who was this diet designed for?” she demanded, and I told her.

“And are you following it to the letter?” she asked, and pointed to the sheet. “Because it says here this girl weighs about ten pounds more than you. I’m betting that you’re not eating all of this.”

I narrowed my eyes, but said nothing.

She rubbed her chin, and sighed. “I don’t know, Kage. I don’t know if this diet is good for you.”

You’re pushing me, Eva Braun, I thought mutinously.

“I mean, where’s your calcium? There’s no dairy in this diet at all. And how much do you weigh? This seems like an excessive amount of protein for your weight, which can be hard on your kidneys,” she said.

“Actually, I don’t weigh myself anymore,” I said pointedly. “I just think it’s healthier that I don’t. And my trainer agrees,” I said, and smirked to myself. Let's play with the nutritionist, I decided. This was fucking boring. “He’s also checked the amount of protein in my diet, and I’m eating between 1 and 1.5 grams per pound of body weight per day.”

“Trainer?” she echoed, looking up from my diet sheet. “You have a trainer? Who is he?”

“Oh, he’s this guy from my gym,” I said innocently, waving my hand in the air distractedly. “His name is Henry Rollins.”

“What?” she said.

“What?” echoed I, looking up at her and widening my eyes, appearing slightly surprised.

“Henry Rollins?” she repeated, and I nodded. “As in, Henry Rollins? THE Henry Rollins? The singer?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, and shrugged my shoulders without interest. “But he says he's not a singer anymore. ”

She stared at me.

I smiled up at the ceiling for a moment, deep in thought, then reached up to play flirtatiously with my ponytail.

“He sure is gorgeous, though,” I admitted with a giggle, starting a gushing, girl-to-girl confessional. “He’s a good trainer, but secretly, I think he’s just trying to get me in bed.” I laughed gaily and stretched my arms above my head. “I just wish he’d hurry up already! I HATE lifting weights! I just wanna lift HIM. Over ME.”

Aryan Nation Tiana’s mouth dropped open in shock.

I laughed again, then brushed some loose strands of hair out of my eyes and looked out of the window. “Oh, Henry,” I sighed dramatically and shook my head fondly, like we were the best of friends, and I was remembering all our old times together.

Then I suddenly snapped my attention back to her. “So anyway, how bout I’ll add some Tums to that diet for calcium, and we’ll call it a day. Sound good? Awesome,” I said sweetly, then I stood up and walked out of her office.

And that’s how I got my new diet approved at the hop-sital today! Bongo.



Pis.s. Here's the video I promised you, Hed ;) sorry it's such truly shit quality.

18 comments:

  1. As a history buff with Jewish blood in my genetic mix (and a bunch of other shit I won't get into because there's just no time to list what I know in this little box plus the research I would have to do that would have me curled into a ball crying about how slutty my family history is as in they pretty much fucked anything that moved and made babies).

    Where was I.

    Ah yes. As a history buff with my favorite period being the ww2 era, I heartily enjoyed this post.

    ReplyDelete
  2. song at the top was comical, word to live by

    ReplyDelete
  3. mike,
    all i caught was that your family is slutty. lol

    kickschicks,
    do you mean romantic? i think so too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. If I were to give up everything that is hard on my kidneys, or my liver... well, it wouldn't be pretty.

    I've added you to my blogroll over @ Venom, Secrets, & Lies; check it out under 'All & Sundry Poisons' sometime.

    ReplyDelete
  5. venom,
    thank-you for adding me to your blog roll! :) i like your blog too. i think we should create some kind of canadian super girl killing team and hunt down michael vick. what say you?!

    oilfield daddy,
    um...you agree that it's romantic? same here!

    henry is a POET, really.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Is it wrong that I'm giggling at your drama? I can SO see this playing out with the nutritionist... "Oh Henry..." she expells breathlessly on sigh as though coming down from an orgasmic high...

    And really...the header photo? I wish I could look that hot. I'd end up looking constipated or something if I tried to take a photograph like that.

    ReplyDelete
  7. hey daffs,
    i used to joke to the punters in front row, "don't i look like i'm taking it in the bum in this picture?" to try and make them laugh. then one day some guy said, "yeah, you do," and i looked down to see that he was touching himself under the counter, and i never said it again.

    asshole RUINED one of my best lines! DOUCHE.

    pis.s. i LOVE that you giggle at my dramas ;)

    ReplyDelete
  8. Oh how I loved this post. AND THE VIDEO!!! I would let me teabag me on stage.

    Um, yeah! So...

    I have to read your old blogs since I'm coming in fresh...lots of stories I'm guessing...

    hed

    ReplyDelete
  9. hed,
    meh. i wouldn't go back too far. remember when we talked about emo blogs? lol

    haha! i just thought about maynard teabagging you onstage.

    ReplyDelete
  10. WHEW is right about the blog.
    And hey why do you need a diet
    And what are you doing giving in a hospital - you'll overheat the patients.

    ReplyDelete
  11. beer 4 shower,
    i'm all about being professional. fucking professional. you know?

    copyboy,
    i provide an important service at the hop-sital. i walk around topless and revive anyone who's gone into shock or cardiac arrest.

    defibrillators are redundant now, thanks to me.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ahhh! New banner picture thinger. Rrrrrr. Mama like.

    I mean....very nice Kage.

    :o)

    ReplyDelete
  13. sugar free,
    it's for you. please come back to bloggerland. we miss you.

    ReplyDelete
  14. HEY KAGE IN RESPONSE TO THE COMMENT ON MY BLOG I JUST FELT LIKE THANKING YOU FOR POINTING OUT THAT MY PROFILE LACKS A LINK TO MY PAGE, I CHANGED IT NOW. BUT IN THE COMMENT I LEFT YOU EARLIER I ALSO INCLUDED ONE ATT HE END OF MY COMMENT, SO FINDING ME SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN A PROBLEM!

    GREETS

    HTTP://KIND-OF-INFORMATIONAL.BLOGSPOT.COM

    ReplyDelete
  15. nice blog, just subbed to it.

    Make sure to follow mine at thewatchfanatic.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  16. Wesh,
    it wasn't a problem, darling. that's how i found you.

    Watchman,
    done.

    ReplyDelete

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