Friday, January 7, 2011

Gimme Gimme Gimme

Haha! Yeah, "Search and Destroy" my vagina! Hahaha!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..........

Sorry.

Sitting here like a loaded gun
Waiting to go off
I've got nothing to do
But shoot my mouth off 



Gimme gimme gimme
Give me some more
Gimme gimme gimme 
Don't ask what for


I gotta go out
Get something for my head
If I keep on doing this 
I'm gonna end up dead


~ Black Flag


*An Open Letter To Henry Rollins*

Dear Henry,

You've always seemed really fun. At least, really funny. At least, terrifyingly, yet arousingly, insane.

And mmmm, BOY, you haven’t changed.

But the thousand-yard restraining order you’ve acquired against me in the last couple of years has meant lonely nights, too much wine, and insecurity about the direction of our future relationship your superstar career.

So! Where to now, my sweet buttercup?

Another screaming album? (Please?) More of your late night talk show that I don’t get in my country but I am working on acquiring by illegally hacking a satellite feed through my government’s secret security forces? (Please?) An appearance on Bill Maher?

Um, darling...who the fuck is Bill Maher?

You’re anything but stupid, my sweet carrot, and by now you must see the writing on the wall. The beltway in-crowd are FUCKING BORING, and you are far better looking than they are, with a degree in godliness. Fuck them.

I mean, really, Henry. Where can it go from here?

Fear not, Diddums, for I think I have the answer. In fact, I know I do.

I want to hire you, Henry. I want you to come and work for me. I want you to be my Henry Friday. My housekeeper, beekeeper, floor, chimney and mine sweeper. My window washing, grocery buying, dinner cooking, obsequious, submissive, concubine domestic. You will laugh at my friends, drink heavily at my victories, and be shocked by my many failures. You will praise my phenomenal good looks, and vow great harm on all those who budge in front of me in the line-up at Starbucks. You will treat me like a goddess, a guru-ess, a mentor-ess, and the best night in the sack you’ve EVER had. You will carry my purse, wash your MY car, walk my teacup St. Bernard, and turn your savings over to me. You will massage my aching shoulders as I watch Susan Sarandon on t.v., tell me who the fuck Jane Fonda is, and loofah Barbara Streisand’s stretch marks. (You don’t want to loofah a lay woman’s stretch marks. Absolutely disgusting.)

But most of all, Henry, you will SHUT THE FUCK UP.

I can offer you a life of obedient servitude on YOUR compound, since my house sucks. In your time with me, you will learn so much. You will learn that my multiple personalities all have names, and are made up of only the cutest kinds of dangerous sociopaths, serial killer-esque types, and sexual deviants. You will learn that your life with me will be much easier if you are constantly lubricated and pliant. You will learn the meaning of the words “OW, THAT FUCKING HURTS, KAGE”, and you will memorize every line of Anchorman. You will listen to the Spice Girls, Nickleback and that silly little bisexual girl, Justin Bieber, should you EVER disobey me. You’re a figure of fun, Henry, and I’m gonna fuck that fun figure. You will occasionally be allowed to show me who MY daddy is, say for example on your birthday, or on the day Glenn Beck finally explodes into a million pieces, showering us all in crocodile tears and Nazi propaganda posters.

But mostly Henry, my gorgeous Bitsy Pookums, you will just SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Come on, Henry, you fucking psycho.

LET’S DO THIS.

I love you.

Kage

Pis.s. Um...who is Ann Coulter?





23 comments:

  1. You're really never heard of Bill Maher? You'd dig him-I don't get his channel either but he's pretty fucking funny.

    Is it terrible that I've only heard A Perfect Circle's version of "Gimme Gimme Gimme"? I feel about Trent and Maynard the way you do about Henry and Jello (and Trent-we can SHARE, damn it!)

    When in Rome...?

    hed

    ReplyDelete
  2. oilfield daddy,
    ah thank-you ;)

    hed,
    oooh, me loves the maynard, too. we shall divide and share the two of them equally!

    and i didn't know apc did a cover of gimme gimme gimme. thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Not sure Billy M. is your up of tea. He's got a slightly acidic wit...HR is way more our speed.

    ReplyDelete
  4. copyboy,
    yeah, i vaguely remember seeing his show, with the four-people panel thingy, and he was pretty good when he did 'just for laughs' in montreal a few years ago.

    but you're definitely right, henry rollins is WAY funnier.

    and way hotter.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Dear Henry

    RUN! FOR GODS SAKES, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! GTFO NOW!!! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S GOOD AND HOLY, RUN!

    I mean ummm

    Enjoy your time with Kage :P

    ReplyDelete
  6. mike,
    bwahahahahaha! oh, FUCK!

    how do you already know me so well? that's sweet.

    ReplyDelete
  7. BTW is that you on the header?

    ReplyDelete
  8. This is probably really sad - but I have not heard of Henry Rollins or Bill Maher... shall I get my coat?!

    ReplyDelete
  9. wow! BTW...made you blog of the day.

    ReplyDelete
  10. lady m,
    no no, darling, please stay.

    we shall educate you in the ways of the rock gods, or die trying!

    oh, except for bill maher. bleh.

    copyboy,
    wow! thanks for making me blog of the day!

    and all i had to do was take off my shirt. lol

    what do i get if i take off my pants?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hahaha, i love the picture caption hahaha

    ReplyDelete
  12. copyboy,
    say no more, WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE.

    goldie,
    thanks ;) i like your blog too, that gang starr 'work' song is really good

    ReplyDelete
  13. Video at the end is exactly like a guy i know, creppy creppy :P

    ReplyDelete
  14. kickenchickenz,
    not creepy, hunny, sexy. S-E-X-Y.

    oh, except for every single thing he SAID, of course. that WAS creepy.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh dear, another poor rock personal... An innocent man in the path of Kage... not that he would mind it sounds like. :P I am so tired I don''t know what I am saying. ^_^

    ReplyDelete
  16. day program,
    why does everyone keep saying that? lol

    shady,
    thank-you! now show me yours...

    ReplyDelete
  17. lots of capslock in here, otherwise nice read ;)

    following you now!


    http://kind-of-informational.blogspot.com/
    my blog, if you feel like dropping by some time

    ReplyDelete
  18. talk of Henry's love carrot just turns me all veggie.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh man, Damaged was one of the first flat round blackies I ever bought during my burgeoning I dont give a fuck days..
    It is one baaadass album, all crunch and punch.
    I wrote Rollins a letter about fifteen years ago and told him to read Homeboy by Seth Morgan.
    About a month later he wrote back to me:
    'Thanks Dan. Read it.Loved it. Henry'

    ReplyDelete

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