Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Forward To Death

Oh, Jello! You made me a cake for my birthday?! 
That's fantastic, darling, thank-you!

I don't need your way of life
I can't stand your attitudes
I can do without your strife
I don't need this fucking world
I don't need this fucking world

It seems so unreal to me
So much hate and so much pity
I can't take another day
It's such a bore
It gets me really sore
I don't need this fucking world
I don't need this fucking world

This world brings me down
Gag with every breath
This world brings me down
I'm looking forward to death
I'm looking forward to death

~ Dead Kennedys
(cheerful birthday lyrics)

Here’s some funny and NOT-so-funny shit that has happened on my birthday!

The funny thing is that I have discovered that my sweet little blog here will actually come up FIRST on a Google search! Haha! Isn’t that awesome? I discovered this from Feedjit, when the most random country that I have Never even heard of (and can’t actually pronounce) showed up, and I thought I’d look them up and see what could possibly have brought them to my blog.

And that’s when I discovered the one phrase in the WORLD that will bring up my blog FIRST in a Google search.

That phrase, ladies, gentleman, fags and their hags (I miss being your fag hag, Klint; the Posh to your Becks), is...

”Marine Fuck A Donkey”.

Beautiful, isn’t it? *sob* I’ve never been so proud. And that includes the time that I missed the pole, and fell off the stage.


Thank-you, thank-you, everyone, for this honor. Muah! Muah! Gosh, I don't know what to say!

Oh no, wait, yes I do. I'd like to thank everyone who contributed to fucking me in the head throughout my life, making me into the complete lunatic that I am today. I hate you all.

The NOT-so-funny  thing that happened today (SOMEBODY in trouble) was over coffee this morning, as M and I were looking at my blog before he had to leave for work. When we came across the picture I had posted last night, of my ‘Angry Barbie Face', M put out his hand and stopped me from scrolling down any further.

“Hey, what happened in that picture?” he asked.

“What do you mean, ‘what happened’?” I asked him, surprised.

“Well, you look kinda...” he trailed off.

“I look kinda mean and tough?” I prompted. “I look angry and not-to-be-fucked-with?”

“No,” he said sheepishly. “You look like Joan Rivers, with a hundred bee stings in her lips.”

“What?!” I exclaimed. “I do not, I look mean and tough! You’re scared of me! Terrified!”

“Mmmm,” he agreed, and snuggled into my neck.

“You ARE,” I wailed.

“Yes, I AM, muffin,” he said, in his best ‘humor the retard’ voice, and got up to get dressed.

“Yeah, that’s right, buddy,” I muttered gruffly as he walked away. “Keep walking.”

Grrrrrr, I sulked, as he walked over to his dresser and started rummaging through his drawers. Nice bum, I reconsidered a moment later, as I watched him pull on his jeans.

Anyway, I thought I would come on here and let everyone know that bees have NOT, in fact, stung me viciously in the lips. Or anywhere else, for that matter.

So, you know. If you have sent some sort of emergency medical attention, please call them off.

Unless they’re HOT.

It IS my birthday, after all.

Me, looking normal...ish.
As close as I get.


  1. I guess Happy Birthday is in order here.

    Ps the word verification for this comment was "humpo". I guess that is fitting. lol

  2. oilfield daddy,
    bwahahahahahaha! was it really?

    fucking eh! happy birthday to me :)

  3. Yes Kage that was really the word. I snorted when I read that shit. And then I laughed. The girl I shared an office with me was not amused. lol

    And fucking eh!

  4. Happy Birthday hunny. Hope your birthday kick starts a great year for you.

    Lots of Love from Toronto. xoxo


  5. thanks soopaman!

    how was the dooie stevens night in the T dot?

  6. Happy birthday lady! How are the bee stings on the lips healing up? ;o) Jokes, baby, jokes! I was totally intimidated when I saw that photo!

    And congrats on "Marine Fuck A Donkey" That shit is epic.

    Cheers Cheers (yeah, 2 for the price of one on birthdays)


  7. The first thing I did was check. And yes, google list yours first. That's awesome. Some of my awesome search terms for my blog:
    Dutch Oven
    Ugly Boobs
    Giant Clit
    Papule (wtf?)
    Morbidly obese

    And there is my brain.

    Happy 29th bday!

  8. sugar free,
    thanks thanks ;) and since M said it, i'm actually thinking of getting my lips done to resemble like that lady who looks like a lion from all her plastic surgery. that'll learn him.

    gosh! 29 feels GOOD. ahhhhhhhhhhh.

    and PAPULE? what the fuck is RIGHT!!!!!

    shart i can kinda see though. heh heh.

  9. Happy birthday to you. Loving the Jell-O cake.

  10. Happy fucking birthday! :D

    If you get plastic surgery ima find you, and ima cut you. You're so beautiful!


  11. thanks copyboy!

    and thanks, hed! 'ima cut you' is my favorite birthday wish this year ;)

  12. Well happy birthday I guess! I just then discovered your blog and yeah, it fucking rocks.

  13. hi gewuerzgurke,
    well thank-you! for the bday wishes and the compliment :)

    i just went and checked out your blog too, and read about your first customer of the morning coming in without pants, lol. sounds like the kinda place where i wanna work ;)

    are you still writing your blog? and can i be nosy and ask why your blogger name is pickled gherkin?

  14. Well Happy Born Naked Day Woman! I happen to think the lips are very sexy...not bee stingish at all! But if it got you a neck nuzzle....except the whole humor the retard thing sorta cancels out the nuzzle....BUT I'm a sucker for a great ass so....

    Damn...I think I need to get laid. I'm not making any sense.


    Did I say Happy Birthday?

  15. hey daffs!
    i'm not sure, i got distracted when you wrote the words 'sucks', 'great' and 'ass'...;)

  16. I totally intend to keep writing that block, I'm just super busy at the moment, but I sure will get back to it as soon as possible. Oh yeah the pickled gherkin, I just said down one day thinking "well, i need a name" and this was the first that came to mind. I was about 12 then, and it stuck with me ever since.

  17. gewuerzgurke,
    i love it. and i look forward to reading more of your blog :)

  18. Sending you some hot paramedics as a belated birthday gift! (Unfortunately they are virtual. . . and I have no idea how to send them) But it's the thought that counts right?

  19. I have to google marine fuck a donkey, right now. Oh and secondly, though I had no idea you existed until a couple of weeks ago, is it allowed to wish you a belated Happy B'day? I dont know what the law is regarding this particular conundrum.
    Hmm bee-stung? Nah, they look pretty.
    I got stung by a bee on my eyelid when I was a kid by the way. Hurt like a mothertrucker.
    I kinda forgot was I going with this...


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