Thursday, December 9, 2010

I Kill Children

Why I hate children - Exhibit A.

Ever wanted to die?
Of course you have
But I won't, till I get my revenge
Been butt fucked one too many ways
I don't wanna see people any more 

Things I never ever saw before
Make me see them for the shit they are
Take as many as I can away with me
Anyone can be king for a day! 

So I kill children
I love to see them die
I kill children
And make their mamas cry
I kill children
I bang their heads in doors
I kill children
Can hardly wait for yours

~ Dead Kennedys

*Things That Are Exciting Me Inappropriately While In Hop-sital*

-The Black Flag album title “SLIP IT IN”. Whenever I see it in my iTunes, my nipples get hard.
-Listening to Dead Kennedys and pretending that Jello's yelling at me and swearing at me and telling me to Suck His Dick in the police truck.
-Stumbling across random porno online, no matter what I fucking Google.
-Imagining a caribou with a shotgun, shooting Sarah Palin between the fucking eyes.
-Watching anything Jello Biafra, circa the year I was but a glint in the milkman’s eye, to the year of their obscenities trial.
-The vicious snap of rubber gloves (though they must be green, like Jello’s).
-Being added to a spaz blogger’s lesbian porno collection (see my profile pic) and receiving a rubber chicken for my efforts. Hooray!
-Imagining Nancy Grace’s head exploding (strangely rewarding).
-Remembering the last time M and I "watched" The Colbert Report in my single little bed at me Mum’s house (very torturous, cannot lie on my tummy and think about it at the same time).
-Imagining that I am a science God who has created the ultimate Pleasure Gelf (a divine meld of M, Trent Reznor, and Jello Biafra circa 1978, that would do only MY bidding).

That is all that I have accomplished today.


  1. I remember the Kennedys from my skate boarding days.

  2. Tee hee! I would kill to see you skateboarding...wait, i just read your blog. Didn't you bust both your ankles that way? lol

  3. To be fair, you have not yet received your rubber chicken and I have not yet received my lesbian porno.

    Feel free to film it in the special room I built in my basement, which can be seen here:

    Currently it houses things like couches, a TV, a computer and a small angry dog. But that would be cleared out and the automatic lube dispenser/mud pit installed for its intended purpose of lesbian pornography.

    Should we sell this on the internet, the cut would be 50/50. Deal?

    In the meantime, I have decided to find a giant velociraptor sized rubber chicken, because I'm pretty sure a regular sized one wouldn't do as payment?

  4. hmmmm. had a look at that room, mike, and while it looks like a lot of porn is WATCHED there, i'm not sure how much lesbian porn can be made there. could you...yeah...for production's sake, could you remove the furniture, and then you and the angry dog lube up and just slide around the room for a bit? just for spacing, timing, lighting purposes, etc?

    and 50/50 split of profits sounds just fine. 50 for you, 50 for me, and tiff will shut up and do as she's told.

  5. Ah, Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables, a great album and the above toon is a corker... nice one.

  6. Quite the disturbing list of turn ons. Can't say I've ever checked a track on my iPod and felt a tingle.


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