Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Stealing People's Mail

Quick, M'Jello, quick! Hide in my panties.

Drivin' in the mountains
Winding 'round and 'round
Rummage thru your mailboxes
Take your mail back to town 

And we got license plates, wedding gifts, tax returns
Checks to politicians from real estate firms
Money, bills and cancelled checks
Pretty funny pictures of your kids 

Stealing people’s mail

People say that we're crazy
We're sick and all alone
But when we read your letters
We're rolling on the floor 

We better not get caught
We'll be dumped in institutions
Where we'll be drugged and shocked
'Til we come out born-again Christians

Stealing people’s mail

~ Dead Kennedys

Not a bad day, here in hop-sital.

Poor Mary Lennon, the family therapist. She wanted to give us anorexics a Christmas treat, and went trotting off to Blockbuster to find us a great movie to watch in Group therapy today.

Snort. She should not have asked the staff for help. Or at least, she should not have said it was for a group of ‘young adults’. Heh heh. Ah, Christ. It was fucking priceless.

Poor Mary Lennon, you should have seen her FACE as Love, Actually progressed. Remember the love-scene fillers? You know, the stand-ins for the love scene that was going to be shot? First they were clothed, and the guy had the girl bent over, grabbing a pillar, while he humped her arse. Mary Lennon blushed and looked away, and I covered my giggles quietly in the corner. The next time they were on screen, the girl was topless, and the guy was told to grab her breasts. Mary Lennon’s mouth dropped open, and I bit down on my fist to keep from laughing out loud. Then he was told to massage her breasts, and Mary Lennon actually covered her eyes. I thought I might howl, so I put my face into my tea mug and started hyperventilating, as quietly as I could. By the time we got to the scene where the guy’s standing there, butt naked, and the girl’s kneeling before him, simulating fellatio, I thought poor Mary Lennon was going to go into apoplexy. In my continued efforts to inhale quietly into my mug, I ended up snorting fucking tea up my nose, and started to choke. When we finally saw buddy’s face from between the girl's legs, Mary Lennon jumped up from her chair and ran to turn off the movie, and I coughed and spewed tea all over the dining room table.

Definitely the best group I have ever participated in. Hands down, ass up.

Rest of the day has been grand as well. Happily stalking thoughtfully perusing information about Jello Biafra, staying awake in Groups, and not threatening to kill snap at anyone. Yay.

Black Momma also stopped by from Day Program, most likely to settle the poll back at Children’s Hop-sital as to wether or not I am still alive. I bet LOTSA people lost LOTSA money - including me. (Had I been invited to place a wager, I would definitely have played smart and bet against myself). It was nice to see her, though; we sat and chatted for over an hour, and she seemed quite excited by the entirely different species of Kage she received today, as opposed to the one she got last week.

I love Black Momma. I want to be Black Momma. You know, if I were interested in liking other people, like she is. Which, thank Christ, I am not. But if I were, I’d want to be just like her.

Other than that, I don’t really have anything of interest to report. Would you like to hear some gossip about the other mentalers I am incarcerated with, this time around?

Of COURSE you would. There's no shame in it. At least, not for you. You're not writing about them on the Interweb.

There’s three others right now. Princess Sheeba, who is in the bed next to mine, Debbie Gibson, who is on the other side of the room, and....wait for it....WAIT FOR IT...


There’s always ONE.

Holy Christ, there’s always something new to learn in this shit hole, you know? Like, for example, do you remember Auschwitz?

(If not, or if you want a refresher, go here: Auschwitz Dying)

 The first thing you noticed about Auschwitz was her skeletal face, and how she looked like she came directly from...FROM...


C’mon, that was an easy one.

But yeah, that’s the first thing you noticed about Auschwitz - her sunken cheeks, her lips receding to show her teeth, her eyes too large and empty. But this one, Dachau....well, and please don’t shit in my Bran Flakes for my saying this, but Dachau makes Auschwitz look like Richard Simmons, lying fat and bloated on a beach in Cuba.

I am not exaggerating when I say that she is quite possibly thinner than most Auschwitz/ Buchenwald/ Dachau survivors. And the non-survivors! (ie: dead). There is nothing there. Nothing.

I’ve never seen anything like it, and here’s the kicker - she acts normal. Her face hasn’t suffered - her cheeks aren’t hollow, she's still pretty, her lips are still plump. In fact, if all you saw was her face, you would have absolutely no idea that this girl was sick. Until you looked up, and saw that all of her hair was falling out. And that she was so thin that she has to PIN her SPANDEX PANTS CLOSED, even around the CROTCH, and that her hips look like this:

Now, I know I’m anorexic, too. Well, not anymore, actually, so piss you. But even I, who once restricted what I ate and did all the same stupid shit this girl did, cannot stop staring at this girl’s bones and sharp pointy edges and thinking Jesus Christ! What the hell is WRONG with this girl?! Doesn't she want to pierce her clit one day? How can she do that if there's nothing there? There isn't even any FLESH. 

I'm certainly not advocating that Dachau should gain some weight and go live her remaining teenage years drunk and completely effing bonkers as I did - I'm not just looking for a more interesting way for her to die. But it WOULD be a lot more interesting than starving to death in here.

The girl's gotta EAT.

Pretty fucking ironic, hey?

I must be cured!!!! Heh heh. I’m fucking OUTTA HEEEEEERE.


  1. I have a cure for Dachau.

    What she needs to do is hang out with a SUPER fat guy. Like, dood that eats so much he's got D cup taddies and a front ass that folds into a semblance of a vagina.

    Eventually, some of his bad habits will wear off on her and she'll start eating more.

    And possibly, some of her bad habits will wear off on him and he'll start eating less.

    In the end, two lives have been saved.


  2. mike and oilfield daddy,

    let me put it to her, and see what she says.

    i just have to stop howling with laughter first.

    pis.s. do either of you know such an epic dood?

  3. hmmmm. she doesn't seem convinced. to say the very LEAST.

    better send some pics of the taddies and front-ass vag.

  4. I used to know a guy like that, but he's in Newfoundland now and frankly, his sweating problem was way above my comfort level. Though, if Alberta (that's where you are right?) has all you can eat chinese buffets, you shouldn't have a problem finding your land manatee.

    Also, your personal lesbian porn will get you a rubber chicken. Burgers don't ship as well. Sorry. But if you're ever Ontario way, I know a GREAT burger joint!

  5. mike,

    land manatee?!?!

    i swear i just laughed so hard i fell out of bed AND peed a little. just the imagery of it, and at a chinese food buffet, no less.

    i better get to work on my lesbian porn, then.

    pis.s. this it a BIG burger? will i need one hand to hold it, or two? will it fit in my mouth?

  6. It's not the biggest burger, not the smallest burger, but its quality. I'm talking all beef, no filler, thick cut tomato, pickles, mayo, on a sesame seed bun, right?

    Also, you've never heard of a land manatee? I heard Albertans were in better shape than us Ontarians, now I know for sure. You haven't seen a land manatee until you've been to the Kings buffet and seen one waddle after an escaping chicken wing. It's classic stuff, my friend.

  7. a land manatee waddling after an escaping chicken wing?

    just peed a little more. thanks.

    MMMMMMMMMM BEEF. num num num num num num.

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