Thursday, December 16, 2010

Dog Bite

That should say "Jello Biafra und Kage."
And it's our wedding invitation!

Es ist Wunderbar, ja?

Dog bite
On my leg
Not right
Supposed to beg! 
Daily to the filling station
Underwater navigation 


~ Dead Kennedys

Please, baby.

Please stop doing this to me.

It’s so embarrassing for me, every time you do this. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see what you’re doing to me, how you’re torturing me?

Don’t you love me?

We’ve been together eight years now. I could kinda understand in the beginning, it was different then - we were so young, so stupid, so in love. We didn’t know what we were doing. But now? Still?!

Eight years is a long enough time to get to know someone. And while I may never get inside your head, I think I’ve made my feelings pretty clear. I mean, I tell you every goddamn day.

The way you carry on in public. Making fools of us both.

I just want you to stop.

The trouble is, I love you with every fiber of my being, and even this can never change that. We will be together forever.

I guess I was just hoping you might find this, and read it, and think about my feelings.

Please, baby, please.

The next time we go to the park and I let you go off on your own, please, please stop dancing in circles when you take a shit.

None of the other dogs do it! The whole neighbourhood is laughing at us.

I don’t wanna steal your thunder, Billy - maybe you’re trying to draw something, or spell out a message? - but I can’t go on like this. Trailing behind you as you waddle around, hunched over, leaving strange patterns in the snow and dropping intermittent brown bombs - it's just too much.


That’s my boy.


***This Post Is Reversible!!!*** Can Also Be Read As An Open Letter From M To My Sorry, Drunken Ass.

Well. Until you get to the pooping part.

I think.


  1. If your dog was a monkey, he'd totally fling that shit.

  2. wouldn't that would make it a jackson pollock?

    wait, sweet! he could fling the shit and make the art, i could do the excessive drinking and collect the cash.

    maybe i don't need to find a new job after all.

  3. If you taught your dog to fling shit I'd totally drive all the way up there so you could teach my dog to fling shit. After all, it's nice that she tells me that there are people intruding on the property by barking. But flinging shit at them 'till they went away? Awesome.

    And it's a dog. You can't fault a dog for flinging shit.

    Ultimately, you could teach the dog to shit in a paper bag, light it on fire, ring doorbells and run. That way, you could have the same fun as you did when you were 12, but totally get away with it.

    There's money in that kage. A lot of it. You could be Caesar Milan's Antichrist or something.

  4. thanks, oilfield daddy.

    he gets his looks from me.

  5. mike,

    i think you're putting the shit before the dog, my friend. he can't actually fling shit YET.

    unfortunately ;(

  6. Kage, I'm too doped up from quality pharmaceuticals to write anything too witty. (Yay! dentist appointment all done!) Just embrace the way your dog brings his deuces into the world. Brag about it. Act like you've read something to the fact how the more circles a dog can make before completing his bowel movement means that he is smarter or some shit. (heh, I said shit) If you can refer to some made up University study to "back it up"...kudos.

    Now.....back to my pills and my coloring book.


  7. Hey Kage!!! Don't you just love the stuff dogs do? Levi enjoys bullying puppies in the park and then behaves in front of the trainer... go figure. :) You're such an amazing writer!

  8. sugar free,
    "embrace the way your dog brings his deuces into the world. brag about it." hahaha! those MUST be some quality drugs they gave you. glad you're doing ok ;)

    day program,
    clever little fuckers, aren't they? lol
    you look gorgeous in that pic, by the way...


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