Monday, December 20, 2010

California Uber Alles

"Ah, goddamnit! I dropped my fucking monocle!!!
And where the FUCK IS KAGE?!?!"

Welcome to 1984
Are you ready for the third world war?!?
You too will meet the secret police
They'll draft you and they'll jail your niece 

You'll go quietly to boot camp
They'll shoot you dead, make you a man
Don't you worry, it's for a cause
Feeding global corporations' claws 

Die on our brand new poison gas
El Salvador or Afghanistan
Making money for President Reagan
And all the friends of President Reagan 

California Uber alles
Uber alles California

~ Dead Kennedys

Oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd, oh my Gawd.

Check this out.

Suzy Soro, from Seinfeld, emailed me. Emailed ME. I met Suzy Soro! From SEINFELD.


Isn’t that fucking wikked? I met a TV star. 

Now, I suppose it’s true, that I myself have managed to land my ass on t.v. a couple of times (Confessions Of A Bad Movie). But that was more a scenario where the producers cast my tits for a part, and I just happened to be attached, so they had to let me come, too.

But THIS, this is REAL, because:
    a) we are talking about Seinfeld, and
    b) we are talking about SEINFELD.

Ha ha! How bout that for cookies? I know Somebody Famous.


Please! Form an orderly queue behind my bespectacled publicist, pictured below. Thank-you.

"This is animal abuse."

Also, please don't look directly at me. It upsets my feng shui. I mean, my chakras. I mean, my whatevers. Just stop looking at me. 

Now then. NOW THEN. I am pretty fucking sure we all know the first thing I am going to do with my new found fame.

Don’t we? 

Isn’t it fucking obvious?!?!


Being famous has now brought me one step closer to marrying, throwing a hump at, meeting, getting arrested for stalking (that's the one) Jello Biafra.



Right then! I'm off to find myself a ghettoblaster, or a "boombox", as the kids say these days. 

I plan to stand under Jello Biafra's window, and serenade him by warbling along sexily to his own lyrics. 

And the kicker? 

I'll be standing in a kiddie pool full of Jello.

Ha ha! BONGO! Sold, done, mine! Fait accompli!

I mean, who in their right mind could resist THAT shit?!?!

No one, that's who.



  1. Haha oh Kage! You know what I have never seen Seinfeld before (I know, shame on me) but it's pretty darn cool that you met her. I am currently curious as to how. . . like how did she e-mail you??? O_O Would it not be more effective to be arrested for stalking Trent Reznor? (I think that's his name?) I thought Jello Biafra was long gone? Maybe I am just confused ;)

  2. hahaha! oh, day program. you young kids and your rock music.

    he's not long gone. he's touring the world, telling people how nice my rack is, and how much he loves me.

    oh, and something or other about human rights as well. or some such thing.

  3. I'm still wondering why it is I haven't Googled this Jello Biafra person! OH! I know why! It's because I'm still reading your fucking archives! Ha! I'm slow like that.

    Still waiting on the rec-o-mends for the strip clubs in Seattle btw......


  4. Wait a tic!!!! (I had to Google Suzy Soro) I think that chick was just at our (former) local hangout here in Seattle a few weeks ago. I was outside smoking with our more than local friend and he pointed her out....I didn't know who he was talking about, as in, he had met/hung out with her at a gig of his at some point. He squashed his ciggy and went in to chat with her. Hmmmm.....I guess I should have gone with.
    Damn! I'm clueless way too often.

  5. hey sugar free :)

    well, the truth is, i was pretty drunk before i actually got to any of the strip clubs i went to when i was in seattle.

    incidentally, in a completely unrelated story, i was also asked to LEAVE all of the strip clubs i went to when i was in seattle. so i'm afraid i won't be much help in naming names, per se.

    it's okay, though, cuz i have thought of a cunning plan. all we have to do is get me drunk again on the flight down from vancouver, then set me loose on your poor, fair city. after an hour, you and your husband (and possibly the police) come after me, and wherever you find me face down in another stripper's lap is definitely the strip club that you wanna hang out at!

    or, in a less dramatic alternative, we could just look it up online.

  6. yeah, suzy is wikked funny. check out her blog, it's linked on that post, it's so fucking hilarious ;)

  7. Kage

    Being the owner of a pickup truck, I would be more than happy to help you transport your kiddie pool full of Jello as long as I get to operate the video camera.

    On a related note, I will post bale if you agree to give me at least half the monies from all residual income from the bootleg DVD sales, merchandising and made for T.V. Movie rights.

  8. mike,
    that's awesome, thank-you! you are now officially my driver/ bouncer/ drink, thong + diaphragm holder/ lawyer/ spiritual guide and lesbian cellmate for my first date with jello biafra! lucky YOU.
    you know, i hadn't actually considered videotaping the whole saga. is there a market out there for mentally unstable strippers getting arrested for serenading 70s rock stars while standing naked in kiddie pools full of jello?
    if not, there should be.

    sugar free,
    i hate less dramatic, too! i'll book my flight.


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