Monday, October 25, 2010

Queen Of Isolation? Or Do I Just Not Like You? (um...not you.)

"Damn atheists! It makes me wonder how a God could exist who'd allow people to piss me off so much."

~ Stephen Colbert


Ugh. That’s what I am supposed to be looking at this week, according to Celia. Well, according to everyone who has ever met me, really, but Celia’s the only one I’ll actually listen to.

I told her about the girls in the Eating Disorders Program ganging up on me last week, demanding to know the reasons why I preferred to be left alone than to spend time with people, why I felt uncomfortable around any and all people, why I thought it wasn’t worth the effort to have any friends. At the time, I had told all the girls to fuck off and leave me alone, but later on, when I was feeling less defensive and more willing to look at what they said to me, I realized they may have been onto something.

So I brought it to Celia, when we met up at her place last night. (Isn’t it funny that I trust my AA sponsor more than I trust any of the counselors at the hop-sital? Like, what’s up with that?) And, being the wretched, horrible, helping person that she is, Celia said they were right.

Which means they prolly were right. Fuck!

I argued (of course I did) that I needed my time alone, that I wasn’t isolating when I spent time alone, it was just that all the things I enjoyed doing were solo pursuits - reading, writing, listening to music, chilling with my dogs, etc.

“So you see, I am not isolating,” I said regally. “I am simply an intellectual who needs her time alone to pursue her artistic crafts.”

“Horse shit,” she proclaimed, and my shoulders drooped.

Okay, then. Think of something else, Kage, quick.

“What I meant to say was...”I began, but she cut me off.

“Cram it, Kage,” she said. “I know you like to have your alone time, we all do. But the girls at your program are right. You’re acting out your old behaviors, which were to isolate and push everyone away.”

“Yeah, but I just want to read and write!” I cried. “I just like to spend time alone. Why is that so fucking wrong? I’m not isolating so I can do drugs, or sneak booze, or cram food in my face. I just want to arse around on people’s blogs, and do some writing, and keep Mr. Reznor (my iPod) strapped in for a few hours. I just think that it’s a better way to spend my time than, say, doing something with another person. Why is that so fucking wrong all of a sudden?!”

“Because it’s your old behaviors, Kage,” she said earnestly, and I groaned with frustration. “No, shut up and listen for a minute. When you were using, you used to isolate a lot, didn’t you? Didn’t you?” she repeated, when I didn’t answer.

“Yes,” I mumbled reluctantly.

“So it is an old behavior. And look where all your old behaviors have gotten you, Kage. They made you so very, very sick. So if you wanna get better, you gotta change all the old behaviors, right?”

I grunted noncommittally.

“You are still isolating to push everyone away, Kage,” she continued. “You don’t want to get hurt, you don’t want anyone calling you on your shit, and you don’t like it when someone challenges the way you do or see things, do you?”

“Ha ha! No,” I admitted. That usually ended in someone getting hurt. I’m not saying who. But it wasn't me.

“Right, cuz then you might have to look at yourself, and look at the way you do things, and you might have to change things, and do them a different way. And you don’t like that.”

“Duh,” I agreed.

Why is she always right? I wondered irritably. It's so fucking annoying.

“So, there you go,” she smiled. “Now you know what you need to work on this week, right?”

“Um...” I looked up at the wall thoughtfully, trailing off.

She sighed the sigh of the long suffering. “Look at your propensity to isolate. Listen when the girls call you out on your shit. Try doing things a different way.”

“Yes, right, I was just about to say all of that,” I beamed at her.

She grinned. “Kagie, you are a precious, cherished child of God, and I love you."

I dipped my head bashfully. "I know."

"Good. Now get the hell out of my house.”

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