|Remember this picture! And not just because it gives you that warm, fuzzy feeling.|
"If I wanted your opinion, I'd take it from you."
~ Sol Butcher
(I know this quote is a repeat, but I loved it so nice, I used it twice.)
Hot on the heels of yesterday's accidental pork consuming incident, it would appear that the Eating Disorder facilitators here in hop-sital would like to see what happens when they push me even further.
Weeks ago, when I agreed to do this fucking Day Program, it was because they told me my goal weight was 130 lbs. That was the lower end of my healthy weight range, but it was still within my healthy weight range, and that was all I fucking agreed to.
When I met with Asian Persuasion Tiana last week (there is also an Aryan Nation Tiana, formerly Blonde Nutritionist - apparently the only prerequisite to be a nutritionist at this hop-sital is to be named Tiana) for my nutritional counseling session before starting Day Program, we had this very discussion, where I confirmed with her that once I reached my goal weight of 130 lbs, I was no longer obligated to continue gaining weight.
“I’m not sure if 130 lbs is your goal weight, Kage,” she said, somewhat evasively, shuffling through her papers.
“Oh ho ho HO, I’M sure,” I said firmly. She wasn't gonna weasel her nutritional way out of this one. “Ask Head Nurse. She’s the one who told me that number. 130 lbs.”
Suddenly, a nasty thought occurred to me, and I sensed that something was rotten in Denmark.
“You guys can’t change that number after I get here, right?” I asked suspiciously. “Like, you can’t get me to agree to 130 lbs, but once I’m here, make it something higher, right? Cuz that would not be cool. I don’t want to be duped into coming into this program.”
“You’re not being duped, Kage,” Asian Persuasion Tiana said, somewhat miffed.
“Okay, so just to confirm, once I reach my goal weight of 130 lbs, I am not obligated to gain anymore weight, right?”
“That’s right,” she confirmed. “You just can’t lose any weight, you have to maintain 130 or above.”
“Okay,” I blew the air out of my mouth, and let my shoulders relax. 130 lbs was gonna be hard enough.
We-he-he-hell! Guess what? Just fucking GUESS.
Remember how my case manager, Kiki, asked me yesterday, “Who told you that you didn’t have to gain after 130 lbs? Did Tiana tell you that?” Well, Kiki apparently gave Asian Persuasion Tiana shit for telling me that, who in turn called me into the Group Room tonight to give ME shit for it, back pedaling and telling me that there must have been a ‘miscommunication’.
“Are you fucking kidding me?” I asked her, after she told me in no way had she meant that once I reached 130 lbs, was I no longer obligated to gain anymore weight. “That’s exactly what you told me!”
“You must have misunderstood me, Kage,” she began, but I swiftly cut her off.
“Don’t give me that shit! I even predicted this fucking scenario, didn’t I? I asked if you were going to change my goal weight after I got here, didn't I, Tiana? And I said I didn’t want to be fucking duped into coming here, agreeing to one number, then having that yanked out from under me once I got here. Do you remember that? When I told you I didn’t want to be tricked into coming here, Tiana?”
Asian Persuasion Tianna just sighed. “I’m sorry if you misunderstood me, Kage. But you have to gain half a kilo a week for the next twelve weeks, if you want to stay in Day Program. End of story.”
I sat there for a minute, staring at the floor, fuming. I fucking knew this was going to happen! Goddamn Tianas! But what could I do? I needed their help, or I would end up starving myself to death. That, or puke my way into cardiac arrest, and die on a bathroom floor.
Whichever was more glamorous, really.
“Fine,” I sighed, and stood up to leave.
“Fine?” she repeated.
I smirked down at her. “It’s not like I have a fucking choice, now do I?”
She conceded with a tilt of her head. “No.”
I walked out of the room.
“Have a nice weekend, Kage!” She called after me.
Fuck You, Tiana, I thought miserably. I don’t want to do this shit anymore.
Ugh. It's time to go to my AA meeting at the other hop-sital, though all I wanna do right now is go home and go to bed.