Saturday, September 25, 2010

Goddamn Smokers!

"Oh, yes? Well, I'm polermarized tree sap, and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returned in it's original trajectory, and adheres to you."

(translation: I'm rubber, you're glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you)

~ Sheldon, Big Bang Theory

4:30 pm

Ugh. Trying to get through the loooooooooong day in hop-sital on a Saturday, with no more Groups, no more Sunday pass, and not much else going on.

I also found out yesterday that Kitty (who, by the way, has regressed to her original back-alley, pissy self) has been smoking since the day she fucking got in here.


Mumbles told me last night.

"They just took Kitty out for a smoke," she smirked as she wandered into the dorm room last night, shaking her head.

I looked up from petting Moo Moo on my hop-sital bed. "What?" I hissed.

"Kage," Mum warned.

"Yeah!" Mumbles said gleefully. "Didn't you know? LynnLynn takes her out for a fag all the time."

"What the fuck?!" I exclaimed, and jumped up off the bed, letting my dog tumble onto the mattress.

"Kage!" Mum exclaimed.

"What?" I turned to her. "Mum, that's horse shit! Why have I had to suffer for the past three weeks when she gets taken out for a smoke whenever she wants? How is that fair?"

"Well, it's not fair," Mum admitted, "but yelling and swearing at them won't help you plead your case."

"Duh," I rolled my eyes. "I wasn't gonna do it to their faces."

There was no fucking way I was missing out on this! But what could I do? I had no money, and my smokes were in my truck, at Mum and Dad's place. By the time Mum left for the night, I couldn't come up with any better ideas, so I had to call her and beg her to come back to hop-sital and bring me a pack of fags. She did so very reluctantly, sneaking up the alligators (elevators) after visiting hours to give them to me in the hallway.

She put on an exceptional show, letting me know just how less than thrilled she was to have been assigned the role of accomplice.

"Sure, get me in trouble with the nurses," she kept muttering.

"Sorry, Mum, I didn't know they were in your knitting circle," I smiled back cheerily. Fags! Fags! Fags! Fags! was all I could think. Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

I slept with the pack of cigarettes tucked tightly under my chin last night. When I approached Sweet Aussie Sue this morning, and bitched about Kitty and her numerous trips outside, she said she understood why I would be upset, and that yes, she would take me out for a smoke today, too! Whoo hoo!

So of course, I figured that hey, now every time Miss Kitty-With-The-Face-Like-A-Cat's-Arse-Once-Again goes out for a smoke, I can go, too. Who knew how many smokes a day that might be! Hoo-RAY!

Oh, Hoo-NOOOO!

I asked Sweet Aussie Sue to take me out for a fag after Morning Snack. As we were waiting for the alligator (elevator), she told me that she had explained to Kitty that the situation was unfair, what with her getting to go out for fags when the rest of us couldn't, and that it would be stopping immediately.

"Wait, what?" I said. All my smoking dreams went up in...well, smoke. "Why did you do that?"

"Because it wasn't fair on you," Sweet Aussie Sue said, and cocked her head, as if to say, Duh.

"Yeah, but I can just go with her," I said desperately. "That's very fair on me."

"I can't support that, Kage," she smiled apologetically. "I'm sorry, I just think it's wrong. Sorry, darling. Are you right?"

"Ah, I'm grand," I waved her off. "I understand."

"The lift is here," she said, as the light pinged. "Shall we?"

"But you just said..." I trailed off.

"This weekend doesn't count," she said with a shrug. "We've got to make up for all the ones Kitty got over the past week that you didn't. Well," she amended hastily. "Sort of."

"Yeah, okay," I said cheerfully, and followed her into the alligator. "I'm in."

We exited on the main floor of the hop-sital and walked outside, into the warmth and sunshine of the fall season. I chose a bench just outside the Triage doors, that were as far away from the other smokers as I could get us for Sue's sake, then I sat down and (thoroughly) enjoyed my cigarette. When there was absolutely nothing left of it, I scratched it out, then set the butt on the bench beside me, so I could throw it in the bin when we were done.

A moment later, I looked up at the entrance to the hop-sital, and almost gasped. (I say almost, because gasping is kinda gay, so I try not to actually do it. Ever. And neither should YOU). But who should I fucking see come wandering out the Emergency Room doors all by herself, but Miss Face-Like-A-Cat's-Ass, Kitty.

I quickly grabbed the cigarette butt off the bench beside me and slipped it between the cracks of the bench, letting it drop into the leaves below.

Then I thought, Wait a minute. Why am I hiding my cigarette butt? What the fuck is SHE doing out here alone?!

Things sure are different here in an Eating Disorder treatment centre than they ever were at drug treatment! If someone in drug treatment were to just waltz by a counselor like that, blatantly disregarding the fact that they are strictly forbidden to be outside of the hop-sital by themselves, they would be tackled to the ground by at least three members of staff. But Sweet Aussie Sue just noted her presence, then turned back to me and continued to chat...

Yay! Dinner! Now I don't have to eat my own foot.


10:30 pm

Oh God. Grant me the FUCKING SERENITY.

Before she left for the day, for the weekend, really, Sweet Aussie Sue made sure my consolation prize was all set up - the nurses were left with implicit instructions to take me outside for fag breaks, for this weekend only.

Which were completely overruled the moment she left. So basically, I got taken outside for a whole two fags today.

I don't know what happened. I asked the nurse, Brittney, and she just said, "Dr. Ram-It-In has it in your computer file that you are not supposed to smoke."


"Yes, but Sue set it up for me, just for the next couple of days, to help me stay put while I am struggling," I tried to explain, but she started talking to an NA instead of listening.

Fuck this, I decided, I'll just sneak out then, like everyone else.

Code Yellow THIS, mother fuckers.

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