Thursday, September 23, 2010

Car Panties

"You have a broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigor. Is you womb available for rent?"
~ Sheldon, Big Bang Theory
(get it? her hips are so broad, they're two feet away from her torso! haha!)

4:45 pm

I only have a few minutes until dinner, so I'll just blather on for a few paragraphs.

Today was weigh-in, here on Unit 32. Not only did I not make the weight gain, but just as I suspected, I lost weight again, eating only what the dietitian told me to eat.

As a consequence, I also lost my Sunday pass.

They didn't give me a day's warning this time, though, since last time I used that 24 hours to gain the four pounds I needed to get the pass. This time, they told me after the fact. As in, hey, in the past week you have lost two pounds! Ergo, you go...nowhere this weekend!

I immediately requested a Sit Down with Head Nurse.

"Grave and I went over all of this with you last week, Kage, and very thoroughly, too," she said pedantically, when we were seated across from each other in the tiny Family Room, just off the sleeping quarters.

"I know that," I said, exasperated, "but can you not see that you guys are just setting me up to binge here? I don't think that you should take away my Day Pass for losing weight, when I only lost it because I did what you told me to do!"

"I'm sorry, Kage, but those are the rules," she said firmly. "You have to gain a kilo and a half per week to get your day pass."

"Well then, can I at least be considered for a two hour hop-sital pass, so I can go downstairs and walk around the grounds?"

"No," she said simply.

"Why not?" I cried.

"Because not only did you not gain weight, you lost weight, Kage."

"Doing what you told me to do!" I yelled.

"Those. Are. The. Rules," she repeated.

"Well, who makes these rules?" I demanded. "Because this is not fair. I am here, doing the work, despite the guidelines you've given me being in direct contradiction to what you're telling me to do. So who makes these goddamn rules?"

"Well, we made them, as we made up the Program," she admitted. "But they cannot be open to interpretation, or every girl would want to plead her case."

"You really don't think that I have distinctive circumstances here?" I asked in disbelief.

"Every girl thinks she has special circumstances, Kage," she said.

I groaned in frustration and dropped my head into my hands.

"Fine," I mumbled from between my fingers, then let my hands drop from my face. "Fine."

I stood up and opened the door with a bang, and walked out of the room.

"Kage!" Head Nurse called after me.

Fuck off, I thought to myself.

I needed some time to think.

9:45 pm

I'm just after Evening Snack. Despite everything that has happened today, I managed to stick to my menu plan. Which, let's be honest, is nothing short of a fucking miracle.

Tonight itself has been nothing short of a miracle. M stopped by for a visit, and I'm not sure what was different, but we seemed to be a lot more comfortable around each other. We held hands and laughed a lot, and did lots of touching, like we used to do. I told him honestly about my frustrations with the Program, what with the taking away of my Sunday pass, and the making me stay in hop-sital longer.

"Yeah, but you knew that was gonna happen, didn't you?" he asked quizzically.

"I knew it was a possibility," I corrected.

"Uh huh," he said, and looked at me.

"Well...I still sucks!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, it does, but won't your weight even itself out in the end, if you give it the chance? By staying and eating what they tell you, won't you get healthy in the end? Which is the whole point?"

I sighed dramatically. "Yes," I admitted. But what about my suffering? I thought.

"So don't you think that's of what you should be thinking, your long term health?"

"I'm still here," I pointed out haughtily. "So obviously, that IS of what I am thinking."

"Okay," he grinned, backing off a bit.

"Alright, then," I snapped, then relaxed and smiled, too. I knew he was right, and he knew I was right. Everything was okay. I was still here in hop-sital, actively pursuing my recovery. I could bitch all I wanted, but I was still here.

"Do you want to see my car panties?" he asked me suddenly.

I looked up hopefully. He raised an eyebrow back at me.

M had told me a story on the phone last night, about his new boxers that have little cars illustrated on them. When he had been getting Baby ready for bed, she had turned to him and said, "Daddy, go put on your car panties."

"Fuck yeah, I wanna see your car panties," I said.

"Okay, come on," he grabbed my hand and stood up.

We walked past the alligators (elevators) and around the corner, so that we were in a small, L-shaped corridor. We stood in the middle of the hall, between the two corner mirrors that would show us if anyone was approaching, and M unbuttoned his pants.

Oh, God. I know it wasn't like he pulled out his wang and whacked me across the face with it, but it still felt so intimate, M showing me his car panties. I couldn't really even describe them to you now - I think they were green, with black and white cars drawn on them? - but it was so awesome. Without thinking, I reached out and touched him, just gently stroking his lower abdomen, just above his cock. It's somewhere I haven't been welcome to touch in a very long time.

I looked up at him, and smiled softly. He smiled back.

"Do you wanna see my panties?" I asked.

"Duh," he said.

I lifted up my shirt to get it out of the way, then thought, Oh, yeah. Might as well get it over with. I lifted my shirt higher and showed him my soft, no longer toned, no longer cut abdomen.

"This is my new tummy," I said awkwardly, and he smiled.

"I like it," he said.

"And these are my panties," I said, pulling my blue thong out from beneath my belt buckle.

"I like those, too," he grinned.

"Thank-you," I said, but I was preoccupied. God, my tummy was gross.

"And let's see your hair," he said, and pulled off my toque before I could stop him.


It was looking disastrous under there. I had chosen to save the ten dollars and not color my hair until I was done as an inpatient, and just wear hats for the rest of my time in hop-sital (clever, non?). Having blond roots with black hair doesn't help make my hair look any thicker, though. Plus I can't be arsed to put any product in it, or even blow dry it, cuz I'm just gonna cram a hat over, so why bother? I don't even brush it right now.

But I didn't know that M might take a look at it! Shit Fuck!

"It looks great," he said, and I snorted. "No, it really does. And it's gonna keep getting better."

"Well, I'm not gonna get all of it back, M," I said sadly.

"I'm sure you will," he said, stroking the hair around my face.

"Can I put my toque back on now?" I begged.

"Sure," he said, and pulled my toque back down over my head, tucking my hair in behind my ears. When my hair was sufficiently tucked, he pulled the toque down over my eyes.

I grinned and opened my mouth to say something stupid, when suddenly I felt his lips on mine.

Oh my fuck! I thought, and my heart leapt with shock. He's kissing me! He's kissing me! Yay!

His lips were soft, gentle and familiar, and even though I was a bit nervous, and I'm sure my breath was not the freshest, it felt so good to be kissed by him again. As you may have surmised, M cannot kiss me when he is upset with me. And suicide attempts and drug overdoses do tend to piss him off.

All I could think as he opened his mouth and his tongue touched mine was, I've missed you so much. Not just in the past few days since I had last seen him , or in the past three and a half weeks that I have been in hop-sital, or even in the past five or so weeks since I walked out of our house to overdose.

I've been missing him for a long time now, even when we've been together, living in the same house, our lives supposedly intertwined. I've been too caught up in my illness to let M get near me - Ed has owned me outright for a long time now, and there just wasn't room for M, too. So even though we were right there in front of each other, I was so far out of reach that we were almost always disconnected.

There were fleeting moments of connection, though, when the eating disorder and the addictions and everything else were somehow dormant for a few moments, and we were able to reach each other, however briefly.

I think it was those fleeting moments that compelled M to come hop-sital to find me a few weeks ago, and to forgive me once again for allowing my diseased mind to consume me, and upon which I am determined to rebuild the foundations of our relationship.

Because those moments are amongst of the very best of my life.

Just like the car panties are now, too.

Schiesse, es ist 11:30. Guten nacht.

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