Saturday, September 18, 2010

Decapitated Children

"Four hundred o’clock! Sweet Perry, I oversleeped!”

~Sol Butcher

6:00 pm
Ho hum, ho hum. I’m so bored I

God. Unstructured days in hop-sital are so fucking hard.

I managed to do well distracting myself last night. I gave myself the assignment of finding pictures to put on my blog, the more dramatic and disturbing, the better. As you may have noticed. Suddenly, I wasn’t worried about food - I was too busy going through picture after picture of anorexic women and murdered children and Iraqi insurgents with their faces blown off by American snipers (Nice work, boys! Oi...Didn't you try to touch my vag in a VIP room in Guam?)

The biggest miracle yet? I didn’t want to go to Evening Snack last night. I just wanted to stay on my iMac and find more pictures for my blog.

How bout that! Something was more important than food. Can you credit that?

I guess it speaks to my obsessive compulsive, overachieving nature, though - I got the idea after dinner, and worked on finding pictures for three hours, only stopping because the nurses MADE me, for Evening Snack. Once we were fed, I raced back to the hop-sital room, and worked for another three hours, finally forcing myself to stop at 12:30 am so I could get enough sleep not to kill anyone the next day.

I was still tired today, though, and have taken three short naps. Ha ha! God. I don’t usually nap during the day anymore, cuz it really doesn’t help with the hour of vibrating I endure each night when I try to go to sleep, but the Topimax seems to have been helping with that.

Oi! HEY! Maybe THAT’S why I got into the pics for the blog instead of Evening Snack last night! Isn’t that what Topimax is supposed to be doing for me? Help me stop obsessing about food? And today, too, I have done really well, and have only had two very small extras - half a Dixie cup of raisins, almonds and smarties at Afternoon Snack (fourth meal of the day and my first one to have an Extra at), and a banana at dinner (because it is the longest wait till the next force feeding, and my dessert was just grapes).

Maybe the Topimax is working?

Or maybe I’m working?

Whatever. Semantics. Who cares?

Today was initially a struggle, though, as I overate all day yesterday, and wanted to do the same thing today. I think I was stuffing yesterday because of the anxiety induced by so many free hours of time that I had to fill, before I came up with the project of finding pics for my blog. I just imagined myself sitting in my bed, starving and dying of boredom for hours on end, as I waited for each new meal to commence. My regular distractions of Sons of Butcher and Big Bang Theory weren’t working yesterday - I needed something new. Thanks be to Christ for the help, or I might not still be here.

God, is this boring? Am I rambling? There’s not much else to report on. How bout my plans for my pass tomorrow, then I’ll fuck off for a while and let you look for something more important on the internet? Like porn.

So. Coco, one the chairpersons from the AA meetings here in BlahBlah Hop-sital, is going to come and sign me out at 12:30 pm tomorrow. I asked for her number at the meeting on Thursday night, then texted her that night and asked if we could go for coffee when I am unleashed upon the world on Sunday. She enthusiastically agreed, and as it turns out, she works here at the hop-sital, and has to come in on Sunday afternoon anyway, for work. Which is perfect! So I’ll spend an hour with her, then she'll fob me off on Dad, and I’ll go back to his house.

My plans for the rest of the day pass are as follows:

- Reunite joyously with Billy, Misha and Chiclet, then clean up the pee and take them for a walk
- Do my laundry from the hop-sital
- Dye my hair
- Go to M’s house and get all my makeup and all my books about makeup, and package up what I need to bring back to hop-sital. (I have decided to victimize my fellow incarcerated mentalers by doing their makeup every day. That way I can find out if I could really work in cosmetics, or if it is yet another pipe dream, like the bookstore. Which, by the way, would be preferable to working in cosmetics. But we can’t have everything we want, can we?)
- Hang out at Mum and Dad’s house, practice makeup on both of them, and maybe the dogs, too
- Lure Joshie over and surprise makeup bomb her when she's not looking
- Eat at the same times I would if I were still in the klink, and eat only safe foods
- No purging, no dramatic attempts at suicide, and no piercings, unless I somehow come across some money and can do it professionally

Oooh oooh oooh! And I forgot the most important thing of all, prolly cuz I haven’t figured out what time it’s at yet.

I’m gonna go to an NA meeting, and get my 30 Day Clean and Sober chip!


Even though technically, I will only have 29 days on Sunday. But they don’t give out chips at the hop-sital AA meetings. So I checked with Legal (ME), and my application for an early chip was approved! I want that fucker, so I’m taking it a day early, while I'm out of the hop-sital and still can. And if you have a problem with that, then PISS YOU.

Oooops! I mean, thanks for all your support!

Ha ha! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh.

Fuck, I’m bored. I’m gonna go look up some more pictures of decapitated children.

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