Oh yeah...

It seems that in the midst of the Baby Momma drama, I have neglected to dish on my own drama. I went for my in-hospital assessment last week for the eating disorder program, and guess what? I'm crazy! Yeppers, no ifs, ands or buts, I am certifiably nuts, and it is the opinion of my team of doctors that I need to go into inpatient treatment. As in, they think I need to spend at least a month under their supervised, 24 hour care. I will not be allowed to go outside for at least a month, which means no smoking, and I will have to eat hospital food every day until my weight reaches a healthy number for my height. They have given me three weeks to decide what I am going to do.

It's a tough question, or at least, it was - I was scared that being gone for a whole month would damage my relationship with Baby, even if Bf did bring her to visit sometimes. But now that I have been asked to step back from Baby and leave her to be with her own mum, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore. I don't think that a month in hospital will damage what's left of my relationship with Bf. Rather, by not going in to the hospital, we don't stand a chance of reconciling.

I grieve for Baby. I fought so long and hard to keep her with her daddy and I when Baby Momma would produce some new trick to make Bf give up custody; I read book after book on how to take care of her; I implemented all I had learned in my studies into our lives and created a harmonious bond with my boyfriend's daughter; I gave up my freedom and my heart just to spend a little time with her. Now that I am no longer allowed to see her, I am trying to keep myself optimistic - yes, I lost Baby, but I have also set myself free from Baby Momma and her fucking lunacy. I'm going to make it crystal fucking clear from the start that since I am renouncing my role in Baby's life at the request of both her parents, there is thereby NO FUCKING REASON WHATSOEVER for Baby Momma to interact with me AT ALL. I will have nothing to do with her child, and in turn she will have NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. I took that psycho bitch's shit for long enough in an effort to protect Baby - I don't have to take it anymore. They take away Baby, then Baby Momma relinquishes any right to fucking torture me ever again. And since I am no longer Baby's stepmum, I will no longer hold my tongue when she does attack me.

Because it just doesn't matter anymore.