Today I woke up a total bitch. Seriously, I was a fucking COW from the moment I opened my eyes. I don't really know what my problem is, but everything and everybody was getting on my nerves today. I assume I am still swimming through the murky waters of medication hiatus, but it just feels so real. But what is real, I don't know. Does that make sense? It's like, I don't know what I'm feeling, but I REALLY FEEL IT.
Bf left early this morning to hit the slopes. Last night he had invited Baby and I to come along, suggesting that we could tour around Tourist Mountain Town while he was skiing, then we could spend the afternoon there, too. In my heightened bitchiness, I said no, I wasn't interested in wandering around a small tourist town with no money and a two-year-old for four hours. This was said on the phone, before he got home from work with Baby, when I was just heading into the tanning bed. I was still numb, and though I knew I had prolly hurt his feelings, I didn't feel anything or get any cues to stop. I just told him what I thought, and went for a tan.
I really hope this suspension from all emotions thing is temporary. I don't like the person that I am right now, constantly pissed off and cranky and wanted nothing more than to be left alone so that she may while out the days lying on the floor, alone. Alone, alone, alone. I also don't like the fact that I can't feel anything. When I was a teenager, I was in so much emotional pain constantly, I actually used to pray for this, this ability to not feel anything. But now that I am older, I understand that to not feel anything would mean the loss of all the positive emotions as well as the negative, and it is no longer worth it. I am proud of the fact that I am a kind person who is capable of empathy towards others despite everything that has been done to me. But right now, those attributes are MIA, and I am just an empty drum. I am no longer interested in forgoing all emotions just to stop hurting, but that is currently how I feel - no emotions at all. What the fuck is happening to me?
I was once again miserable to poor Boyfriend. When he arrived home from skiing this afternoon, both Baby and I were napping. He came bounding into the bedroom in a fantastic mood, only to be met by Miss-Face-Like-A-Cat's-Ass when he woke me up. I demanded more nap time, which he reluctantly alloted, letting me sleep for 45 minutes more while he had a shower and made something to eat. His eyes were hopeful when he came back in to wake me up, mistakenly put his wet hair in my eyes to make me laugh, which actually just got him more Cat's Ass. I couldn't tell you why I was being so grumpy towards him. I really wanted to go back to sleep - this past week I just cannot seem to get enough sleep, no matter how much I get it is never enough. I suppose it's my body trying to wrap it's head around my fucking around with my meds. It must be exhausted. I know I am.
Anyway, I got out of bed, but of course, I could not shake the pissiness. Bf got Baby up from her nap, but even her adorableness was getting on my nerves. Finally Bf sat me down and took my hand. Which Baby immediately shoved away so she could put her hand there. Which, pissy or not, was pretty funny.
Baby plopped herself down in my lap, and I hid my head behind her as Bf gently began his interrogation. He had every right to know what my fucking problem was, but I didn't have any answers for him. How could I explain that I spent all of my time vacillating between rage, sorrow, and apathy? That what I really wanted was just to go to bed for the next three days, until my mind started working properly again? That I had absolutely no control over my thoughts, emotions, or state of mind? So I just answered every question with a miserable "I don't know", which just helped SO much.
In the end we decided that maybe I needed some time alone, which was actually what I wanted but was too afraid to ask for. Even entirely numb, I didn't want to deliberately hurt Bf's feelings. But lately it has been a real struggle to find any time to myself, now that I have gone back to work, and have taken over the babysitting of Baby during Bf's week. Not that I don't love doing all of it, because I do, but lately I have been getting frustrated as I try every day to do certain things for myself, but I just can't seem to cram them in. I tend to take on lots of responsibility, forgetting that if I don't carve out some time for myself that I will fucking lose it on someone.
Another thing that I think is bothering me is, of course, Baby Momma. This shit just never ENDS, and with my mind not working all that well at the moment, I am having hard time staying optimistic. This week Baby parroted a few lines from her mother "Kg not my mummy, you not my mummy Kg!" I doubt that she knows what she is saying, but I have been waiting for this to start, for Baby Momma to start poisoning her daughter against me, and in my weakened state that's what I perceived this to be. The beginning of yet another horrible drama, with that horrible fucking woman at the helm. Can I really endure this for the rest of my life? Do I really want to bring my own child into this? Will I be able to survive the pain of Baby turning against me when it happens? This week, the answer was a resounding No.
And you know what else? I am tired of hearing myself whining about it. Poor Bf - if I'm sick of this, I can only imagine how he feels. I feel like I need to back off from Baby, but of course this comes at the worst possible time - I just invested a shit load of money into first aid classes, parenting courses, and mummy and me dance classes, so that if we do end up getting full custody of Baby, I will be prepared. I was so excited about the classes until this week, when I was slapped across the face with the Fish of Reality that if I want to come through this with my heart intact, then I need to be distancing myself from Baby, not making our bond even stronger. At the end of the day, she is not my daughter, and at best, I am a glorified babysitter. And Baby Momma is sure to destroy even that tiny role.
I ended up getting my time alone today, and so far I am enjoying it. It started off a bit slow, as Bf locked his keys in the car when he took Baby swimming, and I had to run down to the Leisure Centre to bring him his spare set. But it turned out to be a good thing. When I walked into the viewing area and scanned the pool for Boyfriend and Baby, my heart gave a little lurch at the sight of them - the first even inkling of feeling that I have had on the past few weeks. Baby looked so cute in her little swimsuit with the built in life jacket, and Bf looked so sweet and guilty as he accepted his keys with a bashful smile, and asked tentatively if I was mad at him. I told him of course I wasn't, and I meant it. I was glad I had driven down there and actually felt the tiniest flicker of emotion in my numbed-out heart.
We're going downstairs to all make dinner together. write/whine in a bit...