Sunday, March 14, 2010

Hyena Man

Today was my first night back on stags since the Incident. I wasn't nervous, per se - I mean, what are the chances of it happening again, and within two weeks? But it was sitting at the forefront of my mind for the entire day. When I went to grab whipped cream for my shows, I decided to grab a 6-pack of diet pop in bottles, which I threw into my stage bag. I decided that if I needed something to drink while I was doing my shows, I would only drink from one of my pop bottles that I opened myself. And if I put it down and look away for any reason, for any amount of time, I would abandon it immediately. I would also refuse to eat or drink anything offered to me at any party.

I finally started to feel like myself again today, which is great. I was so tired of being so pissy all the time. I slept in this morning after Bf and Baby left for the day, and lazed around for a while when I first got up, relaxing and luxuriating in my last day off. At around 4 in the afternoon, I finally got into the shower and then hit the gym for the first time this week, and though my legs turned to jelly and didn't stop shaking for hours after, i had a wicked workout. My abs were absolutely burning when I trained them on the ball, prolly because I haven't worked them in a week, and I actually had to stop mid-way through. But I felt great after my workout, and the feeling lasted for the rest of the day.

My first stag was in the basement of a fancy steakhouse downtown. The groom was sweet but absolutely terrified about the show, because both his father and his future father-in-law were in the audience. The guy who hired me warned me before I started my show, and then again after I had started my show, when the groom had already told me twice.

I asked the groom if he would prefer if I did the simple stuff with him, and then made his groomsmen do the crazy stuff.

"Oh God, please," he said. "Yes, please."

So I sat in his lap, made him undo my bra with one hand, and had him lick whipped cream off my belly. Then I replaced him with the best man, who despite being married apparently had no qualms at all about licking whipped cream off my boob.

The second one was just as tame, held in the warehouse of some sign company. The groom was really nice and very respectful, and though his friends chose to yell a few things that I didn't appreciate, I had no problems at all.

Bf texted when I was on my way home, saying that he was waiting up for me. Yes! I thought. I wanted so badly for him to see me in the outfit I was wearing tonight. Nothing special, really, jeans and a black camisole, but I was wearing my favorite black velvet suit jacket with the embroidered flowers that Bf has never seen before, as I just got it back from the Rich Alcoholic. I made the sacrifice of having to see that douche for the whole thirty seconds it took to get my jacket back, but it was worth it - I love that fucking jacket.

Anyway, as I was on my way home, I got a text from Girl Agent, asking if I could do another stag. I am not supposed to be working for Girl Agent anymore, now that I am back with The Agency, who will pull my license and ban me from working in the clubs if they catch me moonlighting with Girl Agent. But she said it was regular clients, so it was unlikely that it was a set up by The Agency's owner, so I agreed to do, but not for another hour and a half. I had already told Bf that I was coming home, and what I wanted to do when I got there, and since this past week was a really tough one for our relationship, I didn't want to bail on him just to do a show.

And I am so glad that I did go home. Bf was waiting for me, and after he dealt with the news that I had to go back out, I modeled my outfit for him in the living room. He really liked it - especially when I took it off and ran up the stairs. We had some of the best sex I think we have ever had, then we had a quick cuddle before I got dressed again and headed back out for my ;asy show.

The last one was just as tame as the first two, despite the late hour. And while I had no problems at all, I did have the misfortune to meet what I am entirely convinced was The Most Annoying Man In The World.

The show was for a mixed group, mostly of Filipinos, with a couple of Chinese guys and one Latin guy. There were a couple of Filipino girls there too, and though they didn't say anything outright, you could tell that they were not too pleased to see me. The show was in one of the newer condo complexes on the east side of The City, and when we stepped off the elevator, you could hear the music from all the way down the hall.

The party was for no one in particular, they were just watching the fight on tv. As such, I had to asked for volunteers to sit in the hot seat, which usually gets guys riled up and fighting over who gets to go first. But not at this party - oh no, it was like pulling fucking teeth. They acted like a bunch of fucking teenagers, running away screaming when their friends tried to volunteer them for the hot seat. I finally got the Latino guy, Alex, to agree to sit in the hot seat, and thankfully, he was more than willing, so I started the show with him. And right from the very get go, Hyena Man was a fucking thorn in my side, as he decided to try and upstage me by putting on his own show. For everything that I did, he would jump up and do it too, imitating my hip grinding and putting his ass in everyone's faces.

he even had to do it to the latino guy in the hot seat. Like when I was sitting on Alex's lap, and I put whipped cream in my cleavage for him to lick off. Hyena Man jumped up off the couch and ran up beside us, grabbed my can of whipped cream and put a big blob on his elbow, then actually PUSHED me out of the way so he could shove it in Alex's face. I couldn't fucking believe it! And when he laughed hysterically at his own screamingly funny humor, the screech that came out of his mouth was so loud and high pitched, it made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. It was the most horrible sound I have ever heard, like a braying hyena, and my ears actually hurt because he was standing right by me. And this was just the beginning - this was how he acted throughout my entire show. Every time I did a new move, he would jump up, SHOVE ME out of the way, and try to do it to Alex. By the time I got Alex lying down on the floor, I was ready to punch the guy. I asked him several times to sit down and shut up, but he just kept screeching that fucking laugh, and acted like he hadn't heard me at all. And he prolly didn't - it was impossible to get more than one word because he was so fucking loud and he just never shut up, not even for five fucking seconds.

I could tell that Alex was getting frustrated too. I had him lying on the ground, on his back, and I was crawling over him as I took off my pants and my thong. Hyena Man jumped up to do whatever stupid fucking obnoxious thing he was going to do in his next attempt to upstage me, and he accidentally trod on Alex. Alex told him to sit down and shut the fuck up, and I echoed the request. But when I took off my panties and Hyena Man came up behind and lit a lighter just two inches away from my ass, Alex gently put me onto the blanket and jumped up off the floor. He grabbed Hyena Man and told him that he was ruining the show, would he please SHUT THE FUCK UP AND SIT THE FUCK DOWN? A couple of other guys grabbed Hyena Man and forcibly sat him down on the couch, and Alex lay back down on my blanket so we could finish the show. We had a good twenty seconds of just hearing Hyena Man braying from the couch, but then he was up again, jumping around and trying to get everyone to look at him with his hysterical antics and screeching laugh. At that point, I decided I had had enough. I wasn't going to wait for this guy to step on the back of my head before I finally cried Uncle. This was just getting beyond ridiculous.So I did a couple more quick moves for Alex, just to show my appreciation for his efforts in trying to reign in Hyena Man, then I stood up and yelled over Hyena Man's screeching that the show was over. No one heard me, and didn't actually notice I was done until I rolled my suitcase past Hyena Man and down the hall.

Oh well. At least I wasn't drugged.

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