Friday, March 12, 2010

Better Day

Today was the first day I have had off all to myself in the longest time. I pretty much blew the day away napping and reading and watching tv, but really, that is what I wanted a day off to do! So it was actually pretty great.

Yesterday, however, was not so good.

It was Bf's day off. We hadn't discussed any plans for the day, but as usual we both assumed we would be spending the day doing something with Baby. So when Bf announced that he had to spend some of his time with Baby Momma, this girl right here lost her shit.

"Why?" I kept asking, over and over. "Why are you hanging out with your ex-girlfriend on your day off?"
No answer could placate me. He said that she just wanted to see Baby, that he felt bad for her because she was all alone and that we were trying to take her daughter away, etc. But I was too angry to give even a little, and when Bf left we were still angry with each other.

I don't know if I was really feeling what I thought I was feeling - last week I took a five-day break from one of my Crazy Pills, only because I couldn't get in to see a doctor to refill my script. I started back on them again this week, on Tuesday, and the interim while I get them back into my system has not been pretty. I cannot feel anything, neither physically or emotionally - I am completely numb. If I pinch the back of my hand or dig my nails into my leg, I am conscious that there is a reaction, that there is pain, but I cannot actually feel it. And so, I cannot say if my behavior yesterday was just pent up frustration, or if had simply lost the ability to be rational along with any sensation in my legs. Whatever the case, the moment that Bf and Baby left for Baby Momma's house, I planned out a very busy day, and then left the house to fulfill my plan, knowing full well that it would render my unavailable when Bf returned with Baby.

He was only gone for a couple of hours, but I kept up with my plan anyway. When he called to say they were on their way home, I told him I was at the gym. When he called to ask if I wanted to come to the library, I said I had to go to my mum's house. When he texted that they were done at the library, I texted back that I was going for a tan.
At this point, Bf had had enough, and called me out on my shit.

"So what, you're punishing me now?" he asked when I answered my phone.

"No. I just have a bunch of stuff that I don't get to do when I have Baby, so I decided to do all that stuff today," I said. It sounded like utter shit, and we both knew it.
"You have tomorrow all to yourself, and I am off Friday, then you get Saturday to yourself, so I'm not sure that I'm really buying that," he said.

I drove up to the house, surprised and relieved to find that they weren't there. I really couldn't explain how I was acting - it wasn't like me at all, and yet I was getting no commands from my brain to stop. When Bf and Baby got home a short while later, Baby came upstairs to see me, oblivious to the tension between her parents, and I told her that I was going out again. When I went into the kitchen to repeat the same to Bf, he just said "Whatever," and went back to what he was doing.

This is not how we act. Not that we are so fucking great, but neither of us likes treating people like this or acting like this ourselves, and so we've never done it. But something about today was making us fight like teenagers - or maybe like psychotic Baby Mommas.

Gotta sleep now, more tomorrow ;)

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