Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Revenge! Ha ha ha!

Well. "Revenge" may be pushing it. "Effectively dealing with" may be a bit more apt. Regardless of the terminology, I have spent the past few days employing a new method of dealing with my rage over Baby Momma's behavior. Temporary though it may be, it's better than allowing it to fester into a resentment so powerful that I turn to my addictions just to survive it.

For the past few days, I have tried to limit my time thinking about/ obsessing over this situation to my time at the gym. I am free during the day to just put it aside, comforted by the fact that I will still get to worry about it later. And then, when I get to the gym, I think about it, about ALL of it - I think about the insults she slings at me and the verbal attacks, the ensuing hurt feelings, my frustration and impotence, and all my hard work with Baby being thrown back in my face. I think of how she calls me "fat pig", makes repeated references to my eating disorder, and how she has accused me of making Baby bulimic because she saw her two-year-old daughter put her fingers in her mouth. And my favorite - that she (who incidentally has been fired being too fat), has a better body than I do, even after she has had a baby, "lol".

I start out at the gym with the vague feeling of resentment that I always have when I think of her, and go from there. When the weights start to get heavy or I start to get tired, I think of the horrible things she wrote to and about me, and allow my rage to fuel me to the end of my sets. And when I get on the treadmill and start running, I am driven by pure hate. Which I don't suppose is exactly "healthy", but really, she hasn't left me with any other options.

I haven't written much today, but it is 5 in the morning. I gotta get some sleep - I think I'm gonna hit the gym twice tomorrow.

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