Friday, February 5, 2010

Fuckity Fuck Fuck FUCK

God, I am just so fucking pissed off right now.

Bf is asleep downstairs on the couch. Half an hour into finally spending some together on his day off, he fell asleep.

He spent the earlier part of the evening with Baby Momma. She had called him up and demanded that he take her grocery shopping, as she cannot drive after losing her license for drunk driving, and then still crashing TWO cars while driving with a revoked license. And so, even though he spent his day off at the ski hill, he drove across the city to do her bidding.

He also stayed to bathe Baby for her. I guess her arms were fucking broke.

They're going to be if she doesn't stop fucking with me.

I spent the time he was with her trying to convince myself not to throw in the towel, not to give up hope, but tonight's little saga just confirmed for me what I have been trying to deny for months now - that things are never going to get better with Baby Momma. Even though her threat of taking Baby to live in Ontario if Bf doesn't do every fucking thing she tells him to is no longer an issue (since they went to court), he is still her fucking puppet, and always will be.

I have lost faith because, just as Bf said, Baby Momma will always be here, and apparently, Bf will always do whatever she tells him to do. And while that bugs the FUCK out of me, it is not the primary problem. The primary problem lies in the fact that Baby Momma is so angry and hateful towards me that I no longer believe that she will restrain herself from involving Baby in her quest to harm me. Just as she stated in her Facebook message last week, she can't WAIT to tell Baby all about me - the eating disorder, the former drug problem, everything. She is just DYING to tell Baby everything I have ever done wrong, simply because as it is right now, Baby just loves me too much. She doesn't care that trashing Baby's stepmum and fueling the hatred between us is going to damage Baby and fuck her up. As long as Baby Momma wins in the end, she just doesn't fucking care. It wouldn't surprise me if she is already telling Baby horrible things about me. Which, as usual, leaves ME with the decision of what is best for Baby - even though they are BABY MOMMA'S FUCKING ACTIONS that will harm Baby, it becomes MY fault for staying, for not allowing her run me off when she fucking wanted me gone. Her intent is very clear - she clearly has no qualms about using her daughter to try to hurt me, and will tell Baby just about anything to ensure her devotion to her mother and to try and make her stop loving me. So now, as the only fucking ADULT in this situation, I have to decide what is best for Baby. Do I stay and fight and risk letting her mother use her as pawn for her own selfish gains and potentially fuck Baby up in the EXACTY SAME WAY Baby Momma's mother did to her? Or do I let her win and slink away with my tail between my legs, losing the love of my life and my stepdaughter of the past eighteen months because it is the ONLY way to protect Baby from her own mother?

I tried to broach the subject with Bf tonight, but he told me that I couldn't possibly know how Baby Momma is going to act in the future, so why should I worry about it? So basically, just stick my head back in the sand and pretend that none of this is happening.

I am so exhausted. Why did he have to procreate with such a FUCKING LUNATIC? Why is she so fucking hateful? And do I really think I can put up this shit for THE REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE?
I just want to fucking cry.

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