Sunday, January 17, 2010

I just completed another successful night of working clean and sober. I only had to cover one show tonight at the club, but I am still relieved that it went so well. I am enjoying stacking up evidence after evidence that I can do this job sober.

Apparently I was once again covering for Baby Momma, which suited me just fine. If I was covering for her, that meant that she wouldn't be at that club, and I wouldn't have to worry about running into her. I'm surprised, though, that when she bailed for the entire day, she didn't call Bf and demand that Baby be brought to her immediately, which is what she usually does. Like on Wednesday, when I covered her shows so she could do her driving course to get her license back, but then she bailed on that cuz she "wasn't feeling good", and took Baby swimming instead.
Whatever. She has no idea how badly I need the work, or how grateful I am to get those shows. And amazingly, I am on the list to work tomorrow at the club, which, after I didn't bother to show up last Sunday, I didn't think I was going to get. I am so happy that I made it onto the list despite my supreme fuck up last weekend - they must be desperate! But I was hoping for the chance to redeem myself, and I got it. So tomorrow I am going to make punctuality my priority, and keep up my string of kick ass shows.

When I went around to sign my posters tonight after my show, I came across a calendar that a bunch of the other girls had posed in. Initially I was a bit hurt that I hadn't been asked to participate, but when I leafed through the calendar, I felt something other than jealousy. I felt a burning desire to get my ass back into the gym!

I could feel myself starting to obsess, and put a halt to it right there. Not this time, I thought to myself. I can't go through the again. But rather than wanting to be the thinest, I found myself admiring the looks of another dancer, SS. This girl has an amazing body, but she is not thin - she is muscular and ripped, while still maintaining her femininity. So instead of wondering how long it would take me to lose the twenty pounds I was forced to gain so I could work again, I thought about how it would feel to be the size that I am now, but to be in wicked shape. So, I would give up on the being skinny, but I would get back into shape.

And the kicker - to maintain the size that I am now if I started training again, I would have to EAT.

I found myself getting excited for the first time about my current shape. How nice would it be to be able to eat while I was training? Instead of reducing my calorie intake while increasing my workouts until I was once again 110 pounds, what if this time I took a cue from SS and stayed at my current size, and just got back into shape? I am pretty sure that I could live with myself at this current weight - it's not the weight so much as the fat that has attached itself to my once muscular form. If I could get back some of that muscle, but in a HEALTHY way, maybe I could feel comfortable with my body without having to lose any weight?

Who knows? But it's worth a try, right? And so I have decided that tomorrow morning, after I eat a big, healthy breakfast, I am going to go back to the gym. Nothing too extravagant - just what I have done the past few times that I have managed to walk through those doors since gaining all this weight - but it will be a start. I am going to keep an open mind about this process, and live by this one important rule - if I want to go and train at the gym, I have to eat.

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