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| Ohhhhhhh! It's a DRINK. |
(Article written for CyberSugar.com)
I remember asking this of a few people, a couple of years ago. The standard response I got was incredulous laughter that I didn’t know what it was, and, well, that was it. No one would actually tell me what it was. I lost interest shortly thereafter, and forgot to pursue my inquiry.
I was reminded of my quest for knowledge last night while watching an old episode of South Park (my only source of intellectual stimuli), in which Mr. Garrison asks the kindergardeners to name off popular sexual positions. I giggled as they were uttered by these tiny kid voices, and were written down on the blackboard - Missionary Position, Reverse Cowgirl, etc. - but I soon found myself in uncharted waters. Hot Carl? Filthy Sanchez? (Okay, I do kinda know what that one is, but please don’t ask me why). Glass-bottomed boat? (I think I can fucking guess. Ugh.) Donkey Punch?
I’ve heard that one so many times before! What the fuck IS a Donkey Punch?!
The only experience I’ve had with a "Donkey Punch” was with this Marine I was sleeping with, back in 2004, when I was working in Guam for the first time. He would ask me if I wanted a Donkey Punch, then he’d jump on the bed with his hands, kick his legs out behind him, and scream “HEE-HAW!”
Of course, I took a video of it. Who wouldn’t? I’ve never seen anything like it, and I also figured one day, hey, I might be able to use this for blackmail. In the video, you can hear me giggling drunkenly in the background every time this tattooed, muscled hottie would kick his feet up at the Guam Hilton hotel room ceiling. Even now, five years later, I still snort water out of my nose as I watch him buck and scream like a demented donkey.
Screamingly funny as it is - and it IS - I have a feeling that it is NOT what is traditionally known as a Donkey Punch. Did my drunken Marine lead me astray?
I’m off to the Interweb (that series of tubes) to investigate...
...hmmmm. Urban Dictionary’s definition does not exactly coincide with the Marine’s.
"Whilst participating in either vaginal or anal doggy style intercourse, during the instant before the male ejaculates, the penis is inserted (or kept) in the female’s anus, at which point he delivers a swift punch to the back of the female’s cranium. This results in the simultaneous contraction of the anal sphincter and various other muscles in the female, thus producing a tremendous sensation for the male."
Um....what? Really? Is that really what it is?
I’m gonna Goggle it.
Haha! I wonder if there will be some videos of THAT.
Okay, I found a definition that I like better, on menarebetterthanwomen.com.
"What the Donkey Punch is, is a punch delivered to the woman’s ass during intercourse. THAT'S IT.
Try it yourself and you’ll know why they call it the Donkey Punch. If you disagree, why not invent a sexual move that involves a woman jumping off a roof and landing on your cock. Call it the Stupid Jackass."
Snort. She told them.
Her definition's a little better, I guess. But not much.
I texted the Marine in San Diego, to let him know what I thought of his depiction of what a Donkey Punch was.
Kage: Hey! Remember when we were humping, back in Guam? Your definition of a Donkey Punch left a little something to be desired.
Marine: Oh yeah? Like what?
Kage: Like an accurate definition of a Donkey Punch when we were humping, back in Guam.
Marine: Oh. Well, it doesn’t matter now. I’m all about the Dutch Rudder!
Kage (after looking up Dutch Rudder on urbandictionary.com): Wow. Romantic bugger, aren’t you, Romeo?
Marine: Be nice to me, or you’ll end up with a Chinese Fire Dragon. That one’s the ultimate.
Kage (after looking up Chinese Fire Dragon on urbandictionary.com): Tee hee! FUCK YOU!
I have since looked up every other dirty position mentioned on South Park last night, and have come to the conclusion that, a) South Park is the sickest shit on tv, and b) I am so glad that no part of my sex life involves me getting punched in the back of the skull, or anyone pooping on my coffee table, while I lie underneath and watch.
Just a couple of nice, hard slaps across the face, every once in a while.
Nice and normal. That’s all I need.
