Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Golden Age Of Grotesque

The devils are girls 
With Van Gogh’s missing ear
You say what you want
But filth is all that they hear
I’ve got the jigger 
To make you all bigger
Ladies und gentlemen 

It’s a dirty word, Reich
Say what you like

We’re the low Art Gloominati 
We aim to depress
The scabaret sacrilegends

This is the Golden Age of Grotesque 

~ Marilyn Manson

Well, it finally happened.

I knew that it would, eventually. I’ve been running from it for years, cleverly avoiding the traps it would lay in the most bizarre and desperate ways; but I knew my time was running out. It happens to everyone - there was no real logical reason to think it wasn’t going to happen to me.

I can accept that. But it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Though strangely, and I cannot believe I am saying this, I actually do like it.

Enough rambling. You see, I got a job. A real job. One that doesn’t involve taking my clothes off for money. Sadly.

And though I didn’t really want to get a real job, ever, when I finally gave in, I ended up totally lucking out. The perfect job was just waiting for me the very first time I opened the newspaper to peruse the classifieds section:

"Receptionist/Experienced Piercer required for busy tattoo and piercing studio. 'To The Point' (403)240-2120."

“No shit,” I exclaimed, nudging M in the ribs. “Baby, check this out.”

M looked up from his Denny’s skillet and squinted at the ad. “Nice,” he said.

“Do you think that means they need a receptionist and an experienced piercer?” I frowned into the newspaper. “Or do they just want one person who can do both?”

“I dunno,” M said through a mouthful of hash browns and sausage. “Give ‘em a call and find out.”

“Oooh, here’s another good one, food counter attendant at the airport,” I read aloud, jabbing the paper with my greasy finger. “They offer full benefits.”

“Mmmmm,” M agreed without looking at me. He knew as well as I did that I would never apply for such a thing.

I excitedly tore out the ad from the newspaper and put it in my pocket, then promptly forgot all about it.

Two days later I was throwing my jeans into the wash when I came across the ad again. “Aw, crap!” I moaned. “I meant to call them.” I dumped my clothes onto the floor and ran for the cordless phone, hoping that they were still open at 8:30 in the evening.

"Hey pal. What kind of drink can I get ya?"

They weren’t, I realized sadly as I listened to the unanswered ringing on the other end of the line. I left a message in my most professional-though-somewhat-breathy-and-sexy-in-case-it’s-a-dude-doing-the-hiring voice, informing them that I was interested in the receptionist position, and could they please ring me back?

The next morning, they did call me back, but because some fucking Dick Nuts Douche Bag stole my goddamn cell phone, I didn’t know that they had called back until I checked my messages later that evening. When I heard their message I squealed like a rooting piglet and rang them back immediately, and got an interview for the following afternoon.

And I got the job. I am now the incredibly adorable receptionist at To The Point Tattoo & Piercing in Calgary. So if you were thinking about jamming some steel rods through you genitals or tattooing a likeness of me onto your forearm, now’s the time to do it!

You do NOT want to be around
when this guy sneezes.



  1. so going there for some ink when i get my skinny white boy arse to canadia....maybe even a few more holes in my...well...person hehehe.
    Good news sounds kinda groovaliciously good and you dont have to hang around with regular working stiffs all day...woop woop!

  2. Next time I'm in Calgary, I'm walking into that shop and asking you to describe the services provided. Is there any way of being a client without actually getting pierced?

  3. Congratulations my friend, good luck as you deserve it.

  4. Congratulations on the job :) If I'm ever in Calgary I'll make sure to stop by. Maybe the guy who stole your phone will come in for a piercing and you can jab him with sharp objects.

  5. If I did ever want to get some steel jammed into my testicles, you're my girl.

    That'll never happen.

    Congrats on the job! They'll have to make a show called "Calgary Ink" and you can be the awesome in-your-face tattoo'd greeter girl.

  6. Congrats! You'll totally rock that job. Just so you know, I'd probably consider tattooing your likeness on me even if you weren't working there.

  7. It is about time for me to get something pierced again.... but only if you promise to do it!! That would be an awesome moment! So so so very glad that you are happy in your new endeavor and I hope that they appreciate the gem that they have in having you around. *MWAH*!

  8. Well I guess I know where I'm going to get my ink done. Unlike all of these fuckers above I actually live in Calgary. Super stoked for you.

  9. Yeah, so now you'll have lots of time to post right?

  10. Great news kiddo. I'm proud of you. Not the normal job, but you aren't the normal "Goddess" now are you. Hope you love it. Play nice with the other freaks.

  11. congrats sweetie what awesome news very happy for you

  12. Great news! I'm super happy for you. Glad to hear that everything is getting better. Wonder if you get any discounts on tattoos and things?

  13. Hey Congrats!!! I am so glad you found something :)

  14. Ohh, Kagy. You commented so I thought just maybe you had a new post. :( Oh well, a boy and dream of your jahoobies.

  15. Danny,
    omigod, yes! come to calgary and let me pierce and tattoo you! (p.s. i am accredited in neither, but that just makes it more interesting)

    are you asking if there's a rub-and-tug in the back of the shop? cuz if you are, the answer

    Angry Lurker,
    thanks, francis :)

  16. Mark,
    sigh. oh, yes. wouldn't that be lovely? i would so love to stab that guy.

    i've already booked you an appointment to get your nuts pierced, so...

    just the fact that you would tattoo my likeness onto your body makes me like you.

  17. Randy,
    thanks doll :) and we could pierce each other! it would be like one of those old sisterhood pact thingys, but without the risk of hiv ;)

    Not The Hero,
    you should definitely come visit me at work! bring your tattoo designs too.

    lol. right!

  18. Uncle Petey,
    'play nice with the other freaks'? seriously? that's your advice? you know me so well!

    thanks doll :)

    i'm wondering the same thing!

  19. Daae,
    thanks kiddo. i would have loved to work at the bookstore too, thanks for looking into that for me :)

    my jahoobies and i are going to try and post more often. we promise!

  20. I'm overdue for some new ink, but can't say that I often get up to your neck of the woods. But, one never knows! Congrats on the job, my friend!

  21. Gratz on the job!! (Better late than never, right?). Sounds awesome! I actually am in need of a (couple of) new piercing(s), unfortunately I'm, well, very far away from Calgary.

    On another note, I just saw that you have what is probably my favorite Amy Lee picture in here!
    (It's got to be my fave, since I don't remember a lot of pictures of her...)

    Take care :)


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