Monday, September 19, 2011

Die Eier von Satan

"Okay, that's it. This acupuncture is getting out of hand."

Eine halbe Tasse Staubzucker
Ein Viertel Teeloffel Salz
Eine Messerspitze türkisches Haschisch
Ein halbes Pfund Butter
Ein Teeloumlffel Vanillenzucker
Ein halbes Pfund Mehl
Einhundertfünfzig Gramm gemahlene Nüsse
Ein wenig extra Staubzucker
... und keine Eier

In eine Schüssel geben
Butter einrühren
Gemahlene Nüsse zugeben und
Den Teig verkneten

AugenballgroBe Stücke vom Teig formen
Im Staubzucker wallzen und
Sagt die Zauberworter
Simsalbimbamba Saladu Saladim

Auf ein gefettetes Backblech legen und
Bei zweihundert Grad für fünfzehn Minuten backen und

Bei zweihundert Grad für fünfzehn Minuten backen und

~ Tool, "Die Eir von Satan"

To The Douchebag That Stole My iPhone and Wallet Two Weeks Ago:

I hope you get hit by a bus, Dick Nuts.

Yup, I hope that you get hit by a bus, while crowds of impassive people gathered up and down each side of the street stop to watch you. As you fly through the air and crash face first into the rough glass-strewn pavement, a whisper will be heard passing through the crowds. Once the word has spread, everyone will snap into action and run to your side as quickly as they can. They will throw themselves down desperately onto the pavement beside you to pick you up and hold you in their arms. They'll be running their hands up and down your torso, trying to assess the damage, when suddenly my iPhone and wallet will fall out of your jacket. They will drop you back to the pavement with a thud and jump to their feet, triumphantly waving my iPhone and pony-print wallet in the air as even more people crowd together to cheer and whistle and clap. I will be pulled through the crowd of well-wishers, smiling gleefully, to the front end of the street, where each person will go to great lengths to step on your body as we begin our parade to celebrate the return of the items stolen from my purse. And no one will help you as you lie there dying, because you are just a stupid fucking fuck who stole my wallet and cell phone.

Get bent, Dick Nuts.

(Translation of Die Eir von Satan)

The Eggs of Satan 

Half a cup of powdered sugar 
One quarter teaspoon of salt 
One pinch Turkish hashish 
One half pound of butter 
One teaspoon of vanilla sugar 
One half pound of flour 
150 grams ground nuts 
A little extra powdered sugar 
... and no eggs 

Place in a bowl 
Stir in butters 
Mix in ground nuts and 
Knead the dough 

Mold into Eye Ball sized balls 
Roll in the powdered sugar and 
Say the magic word 

Put on a greased griddle and 
Bake for fifteen minutes at two hundred degrees 
and NO EGGS 

Bake for fifteen minutes at two hundred degrees 
and NO EGGS!



  1. Well done. Well done indeed.

    Oh, and Tool is fucking awesome. Good pick.

  2. Isn't there supposed to be some kind of ultra-futuristic GPS tracking system on those things?
    I had some crazy woman show up at my door last week claiming hers was inside my house, and I don't even HAVE an iPhone.

    Regardless, the thief really focused your anger, it appears, and that's always great to see!

  3. I agree, he needs kicked in the face! I'll be glad to do it if I run across him, love, I promise!

  4. Someone stole your phone and wallet? That ain't cool. I get the feeling your hopes might actually be kind of tame. Hell when one guy tried to rob me (and failed) later I couldn't help but remember I was right next to a petrol station, and really, the thoughts I got are too psychotic for here lol.

  5. I hate assholes like that. They are the reason I never buy nice things.

  6. I'm going to make you a snakeskin fanny-pack that no thief will ever penetrate. I'll hang on to the spare key for safekeeping.

  7. Sorry some fuckface stole your stuff. Those new fandangled phones are mighty pricey I hear (I wouldn't know, I have a 3 year old LG Keybo phone).

    I love how clear and hilariously twisted your story of vindication was. Excellent!

  8. I have successfully made a voodoo doll of dicknuts and am currently running it over with a toy bus.

    I hope this helps.


  9. Holy lapdancing Mary that sucks dog balls when that happens. A couple of years ago some dicknosed fuck-knuckle pinched my stuff and I wished the same upon him or kinda makes you feel...violated....but not in a mmm that feels nice, touch it again way.
    Good to see you back again albeit under trying circumstances and great choice of pic. I love Maynards work...very otherworldly.
    As to the perpetrator of your theft...go suck a fuck!

  10. sorry to hear, but glad to hear from you again. It's been too long.

  11. Umm the artwork is Alex Grey dan...ich bin eine dumbkopf...i cant get the little dots above the O, so deal with it..

  12. so not cool of this dude. hope the universe gives them what they deserve

  13. What a dick head! Anyone who steals personal property should seriously get every one of their hairs plucked off their body one by one and then get set on fire (some piece of shit robbed my mom's house and stole my dead grandmother's jewelry).



  14. U forgot the pasrt where we all PEE on him for taking your stuff.

  15. Oh yeah...peeing is good Rafa

  16. Maxwell,
    i didn't think it would be violent enough for you. i am so very pleased indeed ;)

    yes it does have a gps thingummy, but the phone has to be powered on for it to work, which mine wasn't. and that woman who said her phone was in your house...she was TOTALLY trying to get in your pants, dude... did you let her in? ;)

  17. The bastige!!! And if I should happen along after he gets his ass kicked to Hell and back, I'll piss on him!!!!!

    All in all, getting into someone's pants (female) is a good thing, I'm thinking!!!


  18. I love that song. Back when Tool were so amazing. I mean, they're ok now, but man, those days they were stellar.
    Sorry to hear you had your phone and wallet stolen. I also wish pain on the thief

  19. To Random Girl, Rafa, and Red Shoes,
    I seem to have missed the part where Kage presented evidence that confirms "Dick Nuts'" gender as male.

    Is he black too?


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