Die Eier von Satan

"Okay, that's it. This acupuncture is getting out of hand."

Eine halbe Tasse Staubzucker
Ein Viertel Teeloffel Salz
Eine Messerspitze türkisches Haschisch
Ein halbes Pfund Butter
Ein Teeloumlffel Vanillenzucker
Ein halbes Pfund Mehl
Einhundertfünfzig Gramm gemahlene Nüsse
Ein wenig extra Staubzucker
... und keine Eier


In eine Schüssel geben
Butter einrühren
Gemahlene Nüsse zugeben und
Den Teig verkneten


AugenballgroBe Stücke vom Teig formen
Im Staubzucker wallzen und
Sagt die Zauberworter
Simsalbimbamba Saladu Saladim


Auf ein gefettetes Backblech legen und
Bei zweihundert Grad für fünfzehn Minuten backen und
KEINE EIER


Bei zweihundert Grad für fünfzehn Minuten backen und
KEINE EIER!


~ Tool, "Die Eir von Satan"


To The Douchebag That Stole My iPhone and Wallet Two Weeks Ago:

I hope you get hit by a bus, Dick Nuts.

Yup, I hope that you get hit by a bus, while crowds of impassive people gathered up and down each side of the street stop to watch you. As you fly through the air and crash face first into the rough glass-strewn pavement, a whisper will be heard passing through the crowds. Once the word has spread, everyone will snap into action and run to your side as quickly as they can. They will throw themselves down desperately onto the pavement beside you to pick you up and hold you in their arms. They'll be running their hands up and down your torso, trying to assess the damage, when suddenly my iPhone and wallet will fall out of your jacket. They will drop you back to the pavement with a thud and jump to their feet, triumphantly waving my iPhone and pony-print wallet in the air as even more people crowd together to cheer and whistle and clap. I will be pulled through the crowd of well-wishers, smiling gleefully, to the front end of the street, where each person will go to great lengths to step on your body as we begin our parade to celebrate the return of the items stolen from my purse. And no one will help you as you lie there dying, because you are just a stupid fucking fuck who stole my wallet and cell phone.

Get bent, Dick Nuts.



(Translation of Die Eir von Satan)



The Eggs of Satan 


Half a cup of powdered sugar 
One quarter teaspoon of salt 
One pinch Turkish hashish 
One half pound of butter 
One teaspoon of vanilla sugar 
One half pound of flour 
150 grams ground nuts 
A little extra powdered sugar 
... and no eggs 


Place in a bowl 
Stir in butters 
Mix in ground nuts and 
Knead the dough 


Mold into Eye Ball sized balls 
Roll in the powdered sugar and 
Say the magic word 
Abracadabra 


Put on a greased griddle and 
Bake for fifteen minutes at two hundred degrees 
and NO EGGS 


Bake for fifteen minutes at two hundred degrees 
and NO EGGS!



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