Thursday, January 27, 2011

Get Your Gunn

"The schnazzberries taste like schnazzberries."

I eat innocent meat
The housewife I will beat
The pro-life I will kill
What you won't do I will

I bash myself to sleep
What you sow I will reap
I scar myself you see
I wish I wasn't me

Pseudo-morals work real well
On the talk shows for the weak
But your selective judgements
And goodguy badges
Don't mean a fuck to me

I throw a little fit
I slit my teenage wrist
The most that I can learn
Is in records that you burn

Get your gunn
Get your gunn

~ Marilyn Manson
(shamelessly ripped from  inspired by RudeBlogger)

So, I haven’t been getting the warmest of receptions to my Marilyn Manson contact lenses. At ALL.

I mean, I get it, they’re weird. Duh. I didn’t set out to emulate Marilyn Manson’s eyes because he’s soft and feminine and brings all the boys to his yard. I wanted his eyes because they are creepy and weird and tell strangers, “Piss off and leave me alone.”

The key word here, though, is strangers.

But when even my friends and family started to break eye contact with me and give me a wide berth, I knew something drastic needed to be done.

I figured, it’s all in the presentation, innit? The explanation, the reasons why.

When my friends would ask, “What the hell’s wrong with your eyes?!”, I believe my mistake lay in the telling of the truth:

“Nothing. They’re just contacts.”


I might as well just say, “Nothing. I just thought I’d single myself out as a self-cutting member of the walking dead.”

People need a reason they can get behind, I guess.

And apparently, that ain’t one of ‘em.

And so, in a moment of frustration yesterday, I decided to give the masses what they wanted.

“Jesus Christ, Kage, what’s wrong with your eyes?” asked my friend Dee, as we met up for lunch in a posh restaurant yesterday afternoon.

All right, that’s it, I decided. Enough.

“Shhh!” I hissed. “Keep your voice down.” I gave a quick, covert glance around the restaurant, then motioned at her chair. “Sit down, Dee. I need to tell you something.”

She hesitated, her ass hovering above her chair. “What is it?” she whispered.

I looked over both shoulders, to make sure no one could hear us, then leaned in dramatically. “My eyes,” I said softly.

Her own eyes widened. “What?”

“I have an eye disease,” I sighed, looking forlornly into my intertwined fingers, which I had propped up on the table in front of me.

“What kind of eye disease?" she breathed.

“It’s, Opto-albino-ritis," I said. "It’s like the Michael Jackson disease, but for your eyes.”

“No. Fucking. Way,” she said, and had the good grace to look a bit suspicious.

“It’s true,” I said defensively. “You’ve seen albinos, right?” I said, and she nodded. “And how creepy and light their eyes are?” She nodded again. “Well, that’s happening to me.”

“Wait a minute,” she said. “Doesn't that mean your skin and hair are gonna lose all their pigment too?”

Fuck, I don’t know, I thought desperately.

“Yes,” I said sadly, and shook my head. “Just like Michael Jackson. It started in his eyes, too, then spread like wildfire. Unstoppable.”

“Wow,” she said, clearly impressed.

“Yeah. So! What should we eat?” I said, and opened my menu. Time to change the subject.

I really should have done a little research before I spewed that one forth, but whatever. At least she didn’t bug me about my contacts again. Though I have a feeling that at any moment now, the doorbell might ring with a Get Better Soon bouquet from Dee.

Though, of course, as soon as she reads this post, I’m dead in the fucking water.

Haha! Michael Jackson disease for your eyes.

Dee. You ass ;)

I still loves ya, though.

Please don't hurt me.


  1. I was thinking you let the people are Crayola color your eyes? Because the people are Crayola are the reason Michael Jackson was white.

  2. Your eyes won't stop following me. WHAT THE FUCK! STOP!


  3. I'm getting sleepy.....

    Dammit Kage!! Stop trying to hypnotize me into being your bitch slave with your crazy MJ albino eyes!!

    (I would totally be your bitch slave without the hypnotizing part... just sayin')

  4. HAH! U should've just told everybody that nothing is wrong with your eyes and then acted shocked if they asked you to look into a mirror!

  5. LMAO - 'opto-abino-ritis'. What the fuck were you thinking girl?

    By they way, is that you in that picture? You are very pretty, and it is true that your eyes look unusual. Like a tiger from a Disney movie. But I like tigers, so that's a good thing.

    If you are struggling for candidates, I don't mind being your bitch as long as the hours are agreed in advance to fit in with previous commitments. LOL!

  6. Those eyes will haunt my nightmares. Which, admittedly could be kind of hot.

    Really funny stuff by the way.

  7. Yeah, even I who could stare at your face for days on end is suddenly freaked out. Yikes.

  8. Oilfield Daddy,
    haha, you're a "crayola conspiracy theorist"! do you believe they colored jfk red from behind the grassy knoll, too?

    i do.

    don't try to run...

    no, seriously, don't, i'm too fucking lazy to chase you. just stay right there. yeah, that's good.

    Sugar Free,
    welcome back buddy :)

    and is it my birthday?! fuckin' eh!

    goddamnit! why didn't i think of that?

    let's try it on my parents! see how it goes.

    *and i will return to making dumb ass comments on your smart ass comments shortly...

  9. Jesus Christ!

    Did you know somebody hit you twice in a face with a nail gun?

    Get to the fucking hospital!


  10. Okay your eyes would freak me the fuck out if I was just walking down the street and saw them. Like that bitch from the movie "They Live". That bitch was the scariest part of that movie, even scarier that Rowdy Roddy Piper!

    ...But I digress.


  11. okay, i'm back.

    Lady M,
    that is so sweet that you wanna be my bitch! even after you called me an unusual looking tiger! lol. MWEEOOOORWW.

    Christopher Allen,
    nightmares=masturbatory fantasies? ah, thank-you, thank-you.

    you'll be alright, i'll just take off my shirt. then you won't look me in the eyes at all ;)

    what?! they did? where, man, WHERE?!

    oh, jesus christ, you mean my upper lip? oh. those are just the bolts that keep my face on.

    shit girl, i TOO would be freaked out if i saw a pair of eyes wandering down the street with no body attached to them! even without marilyn manson contacts. shit.

  12. I dislike contact lenses...but that's mostly because I even hate the thought of putting anything in my eyes. Ew.

  13. My German Pickle.
    i guess i won't lick your eyeballs then :( sigh.

  14. Crazy creepy contacts. I would guess that they do their job well! Have any strangers approached you recently?
    Contacts are strange things that humans have invented but they have their uses.

  15. I need to get a pair of cat eye contacts. Yeah, that'd be badass...

  16. I'm really kinda unhappy at the thought of anyone licking my eyeballs...

  17. Day Program aka Christine Daae,
    no, no strangers have approached me lately. incidentally, no family or pets have, either.

    that would be badass. MEOW.

    My German Pickle,
    FINE. (i am so kidding)

  18. Michael Jackson eyes! Love it. Of course they are freaky but that is the point...I actually think they are pretty cool. I always wanted to mess around with colored contacts but never did. Now I've had my lasiks maybe it's time to try! ;-)

    I found you through Oilfield and Mental Poo's blogs and am so glad I did. You had me at sociopaths and trent reznor (yum).

  19. Hee hee hee --- love the telling a friend you have an eye disease!

    A couple of years ago I got white-out contacts for Halloween and wore them for about three days. It totally freaked people out, and hardly anyone asked or said anything. They just stared, so I stared right back. Teach them!

  20. Jewels,
    yes, get some creepy contacts! we could go around towns together, terrorizing small children and old women into giving us their lunch money.

    and i stalked your blog back :)

    omigod, let's put the creepy contacts in our dogs' eyes and run through the streets of edmonton and calgary with them!

    though obviously, nowhere near the spca's.


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