Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Rambozo The Clown

Ultrasound pic of Jello's and my first child!
<sob!> We're so proud.

To draft-age kids
It sure looks like fun
"Kill them all
And let God sort 'em out." 
Like video games-no mess
Just fuel for a mass lapse of common sense
You can be Don Quixote
We'll dice you with our windmill blades 

Brawn over brain
Means a happy ending
G.I. Joe in the cereal bowl
Grey shrapnel-flavored chewing gum
Mass murder ain't just painless
Now we've made it cute

Rambozo the clown

Be a wolverine. You'll rule the hills
Just get some guns and Cheerios
Any kid can conquer Libya
Just steal a fighter plane 

Look who came home in a wheelchair
V.A. Hospital, they don't care
"We're the machine
You're just a tool."
Who fell for the myth of Rambozo the Clown 

~ Dead Kennedys

I’m back!

Or, more importantly, Jello Biafra pics are back. Hooray! Charge up your masturbatory aids!

Camp Horizon went amazingly well. For those who don’t know, as I myself didn’t until I read about it in the newspaper, Easter Seals’ Camp Horizon is a camp for adults with cognitive and physical disabilities. Easter Seals runs several camps throughout the year, and regular ol’ people like you and I can go out there and volunteer, instead of spending Christmas alone, wishing we had lives and/or perpetual access to Jello Biafra’s lower extremities.

I, of course, was scared shitless the first day I got there. What the fuck was I thinking?!?! I kept wondering frantically, as the group leaders reviewed how to remove paraplegics and quadriplegics from their wheelchairs, and what to do if someone stopped breathing. I just wanted to help serve meals, or hand out Christmas presents, I kept thinking - I did NOT want to be responsible for someone else’s safety! Fuck!

I couldn’t sleep my first night there. My head was filled with visions of some poor disabled camper slipping from their wheelchair while under my supervision and care, and dying from a brain hemorrhage or something, due to my lack of experience and total fucking incompetence.

The next morning, I sat with my team, Pluto, and waited for our campers to arrive with my heart in my mouth. I wished I hadn’t signed up for this. This was WAY too much responsibility for me. Everyone else had previous experience and medical training. I was just some stupid stripper who had wandered in off the street, looking to volunteer cuz she didn’t want to spend Christmas alone. This was quickly turning into an unmitigated fucking disaster.

I was just wondering how I could bow out gracefully, and instead go spend the holidays with my old pal, Herr "Ich bin eine Katastrophe absehbar" Goldschlaeger, when our first camper showed up.

Jewels Russo.

I fell in love with her upon hearing her first exchange with Devon, one of the camp counselors, as she walked through the front door and into the main hall.

Devon: Jewels! You’re smoking? Tsk. You shouldn’t be smoking.
Jewel Russo: Ah, blow it out your ass, sunshine.

That one’s mine! I wanted to yell. Sure enough, over the next four days, Jewels and I developed a wikked rapport, and she became my absolute favorite camper.

There’s lots to tell, but I think I will just go over the highlights of my favorite bits - otherwise, we will be here all fucking night. And we have some Jello Biafra pictures to look at and tickle ourselves to! Am I right, people?

Shut up. I am right.

So, here are the highlights of my Christmas Camp with Eater Seals:

- Absolutely everything about Jewels Russo. From watching her wandering around, telling the male counselors that they were ‘sexy’ and ‘hot stuff’, to asking me if she was beautiful when I did her make-up for the Christmas party. When I told her she was, she went around telling everyone that Kage said she was a ‘sexy bitch’. I didn’t bother to correct her, even when she stopped the camp coordinator and told her that, too.

- The wikked dance stylin’s of Danny Smooth. I heard about his skills on the dance floor from the moment he arrived at camp, but seeing it live was a whole other story. In black dress pants and a white dress shirt, Danny Smooth popped his collar and cut a rug so smooth he made John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever look like an amateur. It was fucking awesome.

- In the Arts and Crafts room, we were all making candied marshmallow men. I was standing by Jonathan, when suddenly  Gerard piped up, ‘Hey Jonathan! You and Kage should get married!’ Jonathan got all flustered and said, ‘She would never marry me.” Gerard snorted and yelled, ‘She would if you shaved, you hippy!’ I had to shove an entire marshmallow man in my mouth to keep from laughing out loud.

- My sneaky little buddy Ramona, who is allergic to everything under the sun - she is celiac (allergic to gluten), lactose intolerant, AND diabetic. This chick kept me on my toes the entire camp! At mealtimes, the MOMENT another camper would say anything to me and I would turn my head, she would be GONE. I would run after her and find her face down in a bowl of fruit punch, simultaneously stuffing cookies into her coat pockets and socks while inhaling the fruit punch’s sugary goodness. She was fucking FAST for an old lady, too.

- At the beginning of camp, I was flummoxed by one camper named Annie. Annie was able to commandeer her own wheelchair, but was unable to talk, and I would watch in disbelief as the counselors would somehow have actual conversations with her. What the fuck? thought I, and just decided to avoid her, rather than to hurt her feelings by not being able to comprehend her grunts and moans. I would never have thought it could happen, but by the end of Christmas camp, Annie and I were gossiping in the corner of the main hall like a couple of old salts. I was especially proud of her when she got Jonathan’s phone number!

- At the Christmas party, there was actually a couple of fights over who got to dance with me! Haha! Hilarious! When the other counselors and volunteers teased me about it later, I was all ‘Yeah, that’s how EVERY dance is when you’re a baller’, but it actually felt really good that the campers liked me, and that they wanted to dance with me.

- Doing the girls’ make-up for the party was an absolute blast. Everyone was so fucking excited! The best part was that I absolutely suck at doing other people’s make-up, but these girls didn’t mind - the crazier the make-up, the better. They went nuts for the sparkles, which I kinda anticipated would happen, so I brought what I thought would be lots, but which still wasn’t enough. The saddest part about doing their make-up, though, was how pathetically grateful a lot of them were for the help and the attention. A couple of them cried, and told me that no one had ever done their make-up, or touched their face so softly, or been so nice to them, etc. It would have broken my heart, had I ever been stupid enough to acquire one.

- Being told by the camp coordinator that I did a good job, and what was I doing in March? And in May? And in June? And in July? And next Christmas? That felt really good.

The last highlight came on the drive home, where I finally noticed and made use of my Christmas present from my parents. I’ve had it for a few weeks now, but driving home on the highway yesterday, I really took note of it.

My present from my parents this year was a bunch of repairs to Trent the Tracker, to prop the poor boy up  and keep him alive for another year. Apart from the inner repairs, one of my prezzies was a brand new driver’s-side side-view mirror!

I didn’t realize until yesterday that, even though it has been back on for a few weeks, I haven’t actually bothered to look at it. I just got used to working without it, I guess. But merging on the highway, I was suddenly able to see the traffic behind me, and I thought, Oh! That’s quite lovely.

I’ve ripped that sucker off my car twice in the ten years that I’ve owned Trent the Tracker. Which I think is remarkably reserved and restrained of me, all things considered. The most recent time was around this time last year. I was driving on the highway during a blizzard, slightly high, when I tried to pull off into a truck stop. I was going too fast to stop on the ice, and sideswiped a semi before ricocheting into the ditch. Actually, I wrote about it briefly in a miserable post, back in December 2009 (The Worst Week, Like, Ever).

Now, I say I was driving high casually, but let me just be clear...I do not endorse getting high, driving high, or putting your car on cruise control so you can snort a rail of the cleavage of your passenger. Anymore. It was something stupid that I did in my former life, and really, I am lucky I didn’t get hurt or killed.

Anyway! It was nice to drive with a side-view mirror again, and it’s good to be home. Though strangely, I find that I am missing some of the campers from Easter Seals.

I wonder what the fuck's up with THAT.

Did you really think I wasn't gonna post one?


  1. Dooood. Awesome! What you did was so awesome that even Mrs. Libernstein down the hall in 204, who, by the way, has a son that is a DOCTOR, well, the doctor son has NUTTIN on you sweetheart!

    It's funny how the little things make a big difference to people. Those people will always remember you and their lives will be better from you. Really. Having someone care, especially if you are different and you aren't treated as such, you know?

  2. hey mike!
    who's mrs. leibenstein? lol. i was wondering if you saw that shit ;)

  3. Well thanks for making me feel like an absolute asshole think-for-yourself-er who has never volunteered for anything. Wait...I did volunteer at an animal shelter once. No, now that I think about it that wasn't was court ordered community service. Fuck. Close enough.

    Joking aside, that's really great that you did that. And it sounds like you got as much joy from it as the campers did. Very fucking awesome.

    Cheers! - SF

  4. sugar free,
    tee hee! court ordered totally fucking counts. and i would much rather volunteer at an animal shelter, because the clients don't fucking question me or talk back. lol. plus i don't get in trouble for petting them.

    oilfield daddy,
    it was actually really fun :)

  5. What you say? Petting??? I'm listening....


  6. Sounds totally fun and uh classy.... yeah, classy, that's what I was going for....classy!

  7. brahm,

    classy? you better read all my other shit...

  8. It sounds like you had a lot of fun at the camp!!! That's really cool, I've never heard of it before. I think it would be a lot of fun to do something like that. Also I am glad you are saying that driving high is part of your past life! You rock ;)


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