Saturday, September 11, 2010

Favors With God, Anyone?

“Speak when spoken to, bitch. You’re a drummer, not a musician.”

~Ricky Butcher

3:00 pm

I can’t help but notice that it gets later in the day, each time I post something new. Like, what’s up with that?!

It’s fabulous that the days are going by so quickly, though. I’ve been here almost two weeks now! I simply cannot wrap my head around that. I think about all the times I have left places - detoxes, treatment centres, hospitals, bat mitzvahs - because I just couldn’t binge and purge enough there. I had to have more.

Here, I don't binge and purge at all, and yet I haven’t even considered leaving, and I won’t. Just unbelievable.

Tis a miracle, and no mistake!

I’m having another really good day today. Breakfast and Morning Snack were a little stressful - I added a Nutrigrain Bar AND a Rice Krispie square to BOTH of them.

I didn’t feel too full, though. I felt just right.

So of course, Ed started to whine about how many calories I must have consumed, instead of how full I was, blah blah blah.

But I got an awesome distraction to help me through it - Joshie brought Little B to the hospital today! Rahahahahahaha! He’s so cute! It’s like he’s a tiny little man, how much he talks now. And his little blond hair all spiked up in the front? SO! FUCKING! CUTE!

Joshie and I sat in the Good Chairs, outside the Group room, and watched while Little B entertained us by hiding behind one of the computer stands, then jumping out again.

I don’t know how it happened, but as we sat there, something swept through me, a longing that I have never experienced before. Even in the past two years with Baby and M, I have struggled with the idea of having a child of my own - I’m sure you can guess why. (If you can’t, it’s cuz I didn’t want to get fat. You should have got that one). Yet as I watched Little B jump out from behind the computer and then dissolve into giggles when I screamed, I felt a pulling at my heart that I have never felt before. Ever.

I want this.

WHAT? Ed woke up. No, you don’t!

I do.

I wanted to be the most kick ass step mum in the world to Baby, and I wanted to have another baby of my own.

NO YOU DON’T! Ed screamed. There’s no money in that, you need to make money so we can eat whatever we want and be thin and -

Please, God, make him stop, I pleaded. Just make him stop.

I sat there for a moment and just prayed that one sentence, over and over. Please, just make him stop. Please, just make him stop. Please, just make him stop.

Then I turned my attention back to Joshie and Little B.

Now, before you explode, I am not saying that I am anywhere near having my own child yet - not even CLOSE! But just that tiny feeling, that maybe I could want a child more than I wanted to be thin? That maybe I could give up the chase, if that were the prize I would get in return?

Maybe, I thought. Maybe.

Lunch time came too soon, and I had to say goodbye to Joshie and Little B as they got on the alligator (elevator). But I felt renewed from their visit, especially after something Joshie said to me.

I told her about struggling with the desire for children of my own, and how I used to think that I hated children, and that that was how I truly felt. And at the time, it felt so real, the complete disinterest in producing something that would only get in the way of my doing whatever the fuck I wanted. But now - now, I have to wonder; could it just be the eating disorder that thinks that, and not me? Just fucking Ed, trying to rob me of yet another good thing in life, so I don't get rid of HIM?

I just wasn’t sure anymore. I didn't know if I had the maternal instinct or not.

“Oh, that?” Joshie laughed. “Don’t worry about that. I felt the exact same way, absolutely no maternal instinct, not until Little B popped out. Actually, no, that’s not even true. I don’t think it really happened until he was around three months old.”

“What? No!” I cried. Joshie was Mother-of-the-Fucking-Year! “How can that be?”

“Well, you remember the tough times we had in the beginning, Little B and I,” she said, and I nodded (girl stuff, never mind). “Little B would just cry so much, all the time, and I was so overwhelmed. It was impossible to bond like that.”

“Huh,” I said.

“Seriously, when they first handed me my baby, I thought ‘What am I supposed to do with this?!’ “ Joshie laughed again, and I snorted. That sounded like something I would do, too.

“But after a few months, all of a sudden, I found that I was just falling in love with him,” she smiled proudly, as Little B ran back and forth in front of us, screaming intermittently.

“Yeah?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “Then, you just gotta make sure that you don’t go to the opposite end of the spectrum, and live only for them.”

Ha ha! Moi?

Je ne pense fucking pas!

(I don’t fucking think so!)

5:30 pm

Yes! A successful Dinner!

I think it’s my first one? Pretty sure! You know how I always cram an Extra in, cuz it is the longest break till the next (force) feeding? And then usually an extra cup of tea as well, so I end up so full, I just spit it back up again?

Yeah. Well, I didn’t do that tonight.

That is the THIRD MEAL IN A ROW TODAY that I have controlled myself for, and not eaten more than I needed.

I know, I KNOW, I challenged myself yesterday to only eat was on my menu for the whole day, but it turned to be so much harder than I thought! I HATE feeling hungry! To hell with the fact that I have been diagnosed as an anorexic.

I. Hate. Being. Hungry! And since I can’t just eat whenever I am hungry (while I am incarcerated in this hospital), I have taken to overeating to the point of severe stomach pains, in a balls-out attempt to evade hunger.
It’s so exhausting.

I know that in an hour, when I am fucking starving and have to wait two more hours for food, I am gonna regret this. But I owed it to myself to try, at least one time, to eat only what is on my menu.

And maybe I can’t go a whole day sticking to my menu yet.

But I will.

That’s my goal before I graduate from this Program - to go one whole day without eating any Extras, and seeing what happens.

That, and no purging. Duh. Though I'm not entirely sold on that one yet.

Just for today, I will not purge. I dunno about the rest of them yet.

I don't know much yet, do I?

I guess this is all coming up, cuz I’m getting ready for my eight hour pass tomorrow. Last week, I couldn’t wait to binge - I spent hours thinking about what I was gonna eat! Then all of a sudden, I don't know when, I started to think I maybe instead of bingeing all day, I would just do it once. Then, I don't know WHY, I started to wonder if I could go without.

And now, I have a plan in place, so that I can’t.

It’s just so...WEIRD. What the fuck is happening to me?

9:30 pm

So, I almost made it to four successful meals tonight, at Evening Snack.

But I was right about after Dinner - by 8 o’clock I was so hungry, I could have eaten my own foot. I ended up having to eat my emergency granola bar, that I have had stashed in my bedside drawer since the first day I came into hop-sital. I didn’t want to, but the hunger kept gnawing at the walls of my stomach, and we’re not even allowed to have a glass of water between meals. So emergency stash it had to be.

It barely sufficed in tiding me over (they’re only half the size of regular granola bars here), and come 9 o’clock, I was chomping at the bit to get in the Group room.
My snack tonight was a butterscotch pudding and a Rice Krispie square. I ate them calmly, but I knew I was going back for an Extra. The hunger pangs earlier had robbed me of my resolve.

So, I did my usual thing of breaking up a Nutrigrain bar and a Rice Krispie into a styrofoam cup, and adding soy milk. Then, for whatever reason, I added several scoops of Olympic mix too, though of course, I picked out the peanuts.

So. For Extras today, from 8 in the morning to 9:30 at night, I had three extra Nutrigrain bars, three extra Rice Krispie squares, and three spoonfuls of raisins and smarties, with the occasional stray peanut - on top of my regular menu foods.

Um. I’m not entirely sure how I feel about that. Just before Evening snack, when I had to look in the mirror in the shower tonight, I pulled my shoulders back and told my reflection, “You look great! Nice and curvy.” Then I turned away before I (Ed) could think anything else.

But now I'm not so sure.

I’m pretty sure of one thing - that this is going to work out just like every other scenario of this kind has here. Ed will try and make me worry all night, but I’ll fight back with Sons of Butcher and The Ugly Truth (thank-you, Joshie!). Tomorrow morning I’ll look in the mirror, and breath a massive sigh of relief, when I discover that I am not actually 200 pounds yet.

And then I’ll go out on my 8 hour pass, and enjoy my coffee and one or two cigarettes, and try not to binge.

Wish me luck and/or call in any favors with God, everybody.


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