"I'm not gonna end up bound and gagged in your basement, am I?"
Hey pretty girl Kage,
I just woke up, and read your post about last night. Your first sentence about "I didn't make it", I just want to tell you that its okay. It is. You are more than okay, you are great. When I said I was praying for you to have a great day, doesn't mean that hinged on whether or not you binged and purged. I just wanted you to have a great day! And I think you did. I hope you did. You saw your family, your dogs, played with Baby and M - all great things. I don't think you "failed". I think you tried really really hard, and did much better than what could have happened, right? I don't think any less of you, and I'm sure nobody else does either, contrary to what Dick Nuts would have you believe. Remember what I said, you have pretty much quit cold turkey a habit that has been your life for what, 8 years. How incredibly hard, and you are kicking ass!!!!
You will get over your fears, and learn to feel differently about your body, and food, and other stuff. It will come. Someday I will tell you how I am amazed at your beautiful eyes and smile every time I see your face - and you will believe me.
In the meantime, can you be proud of yourself, and how far you've come? I am proud of you! And I'm here for you.
I gotta go get ready for work. Sending big love,
Ha ha! Did you see that? Joshie said Dick Nuts!
I actually got this letter yesterday, but with everything that happened, it didn't seem appropriate to post it with yesterday's ugly, shirt-filled blog entry.
I am feeling better today, though incredibly drained, for some reason. Maybe all the energy I used up yesterday being angry? I dunno. I used to think that the rage was what fueled me. Now that I don't want it to, maybe I can see that it actually depletes me? Dunno yet.
I have some plans to get back on track today, so check em out. First, I am going to pray for the strength to NOT kill Creepy Crazy Old Lady, whose endless yelping only stopped for half an hour last night (I heard the nurses discussing it. They were not pleased). That's all she has done for the past two days, is go "Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!" all through the day, and all through the night. How can one old lady only sleep for half an hour, especially with such a demanding performance schedule?!
So that's goal number one. Number two? I am trying to make today the day that I stick to my menu plan. In honor of this, I am wearing tight clothes today, so that I cannot overeat and just hide the consequences behind a baggy sweatshirt. If I overeat today, it will be on display for everyone to see.
I just wanna try sticking to my menu for one day. And if wearing tight clothes is how I get motivated, then that is how I will get motivated.
Another thing that I have decided I am going to do today is send out a few emails, one to Narcotics Anonymous, and one to Anorexics-and-Bulimics Anonymous, and ask for help from each to bring their meetings here, to Blah Blah Hospital. There are only two meetings a week here, and they are both AA, and I thought it would be good to have a couple of NA meetings here as well. I know I am not the only drug addict incarcerated here.
As I was saying, I think Blah Blah Hospital could really use an NA meeting here. The one at the Beat-Her-Lawless Hospital is always packed - so I think it could do well here, too.
As for Anorexics-and-Bulimics Anonymous, they don't even have that fellowship here in My City. I had planned to try and bring it here after I graduated from Day Program, but then last night, I talked to Percy at the AA meeting, and I want to get started on it now. Percy, who is the Monday night chairman for the hospital AA meeting, gave me some useful information.
Like the fact you have to be a volunteer here at Blah Blah Hospital to chair any meetings. So bringing either meeting here sounds like it will be a bit of work.
I might as well get started.
Oh, and guess what? We just finished Afternoon Snack, which completed my FOURTH meal in a row today where I didn't eat any Extras.
Only two more to go!
Argh! Fucking FUCK.
I had a meeting about my meds this afternoon with Dr. Ram-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am and the Head Nurse. All of that went fine, they are putting me on a new medication called Topimax or some such, that is supposed to help me stop obsessing about food so much.
Then they told me how I am doing with my Program.
And you know how Grave (Wretched Cow) has been hounding me NOT to eat Extras? That I need to stick to my menu, because eating Extras is NOT normal eating? And you know all the fucking suffering and struggling and fighting and devotion I have put into trying not to eat Extras? You know, all my blood, sweat and most of all, tears?
Well! Turns out that from Thursday to Sunday, I LOST weight.
Wait, here's the best part...and now I won't be getting my pass out next Sunday.
All because I DID WHAT MY MOTHER FUCKING NUTRITIONIST TOLD ME TO DO. And now I have to sit in this hospital alone on Sunday - again, because I did what she told me to do - while Grave goes and spends time with her loved ones, whom she sees every fucking day.
It almost sent me straight out the fucking door. Am I anorexic and need to gain weight? Or am I bulimic and need to control my food intake? Make up your fucking minds! I listened to Grave (Wretched Cow) who said I'm a compulsive overeater, so no Extras, and now I've lost my fucking pass, because I lost weight. Dr. Ram-It-In says I'm anorexic because my weight was so low when I came in, and since I didn't gain two pounds this week eating ONLY WHAT GRAVE TOLD ME TO EAT, I don't get to leave for a few precious hours on Sunday. PICK ONE FUCKING DIAGNOSIS AND LET'S FUCKING DO THIS, YOU FUCKING MORONS!
Thank God Dad and Joshie were here. I was ready to burn the place down (after eating all the Extras, of course). But I still didn't want to leave the Program, even if it was only to rob Grave (Wretched Cow) of the fucking satisfaction of sending me packing. I want to graduate this goddamn program! So I've decided that if they tell me I can only eat styrofoam right now, but then hack off my right arm as punishment for ONLY EATING STYROFOAM RIGHT NOW, I STILL WON'T LEAVE. Even if it's only to get the satisfaction of beating Grave (Wretched Cow) with my amputated, gangrenous limb when I FINISH THIS FUCKING PROGRAM. WHICH I WILL, DESPITE ALL THEIR INCOMPETENCE AND APPARENT INABILITY TO DIAGNOSE EVEN THE MOST RAGING FUCKING BULIMIC.
As you may have surmised, I didn't bother to skip out on the Extras for Dinner or Snack tonight. In fact, I went absolutely ape shit. There seems little point in trying to control my eating now, n'est pas?
Which is entirely counterproductive to fixing the addiction that brought me here in the first place, but which might get me a Sunday fucking pass.
Ah! I feel healed and healthier already.