Must We Argue At Every Goddamn Meal?

“I can’t believe we’re both here. It must be density.”

~Sol Butcher

10:50 am

Overate at breakfast in hop-sital today, but didn’t really mean to. I ate my two bowls of oatmeal with vanilla soy milk, had my cup of tea, then helped myself to one additional bowl of granola.

When it was done, there was still maybe an inch of milk left in my bowl, and a few more minutes before our time was up. So I got up and tipped the granola box into my bowl, to soak up the extra milk.

Except, of course, that it all came tumbling out so fast that I overfilled my bowl.

Fuck! I thought. Then, did I do that on purpose?

It was an Extra, which means that I didn’t have to actually finish it, but of course I did. The weird thing is that I didn’t actually feel too full after breakfast - I felt just right.

God, this is so exhausting sometimes. But I guess that’s why I’m here.

After breakfast, I just crawled back into my hop-sital bed, and before I knew it, it was time for Morning Snack.

I was definitely still full from breakfast. I had been given a banana and a yogurt for Snack, and it had to be consumed completely. So I added half a cup of granola to the yogurt, made myself a cup of tea, and sat down to eat just that, and no more.

I am now very full after Morning Snack, so I am sitting up in my hop-sital bed, trying to distract myself with writing, reading, and Sons of Butcher.

12:45

Successful lunch, Kagie?

Um...yes and no.

I was just so not hungry when 12 o’clock came round, and when lunch ended up being fifteen minutes late, I was kinda relieved.

When we were finally unleashed upon the Group room, I lifted the burgandy plastic cover off my lunch plate, and looked underneath.

Veggie ground-round chili, steamed broccoli, a whole wheat bun, and a pat of margarine.

Phew. It looked like a lot of food, and I really wasn’t hungry yet. But it was Lunchtime, and I had to eat it. So I sat down and I ate it all, then spoon fed myself my cup of tea.

I looked up at the clock. I was so very full. But there was still seven whole minutes to sit through!

Get more food, I’m bored, Ed said.

No, I pleaded. I’m so full.

So go purge! Ed cried. You can get away with one, none of the other bulimics stopped on the first day like you did. Why did you DO that?! We could have kept purging, and then you wouldn't be so fat, you fucking IDIOT.

NO PURGING, DICK NUTS, I yelled back at him, and then giggled to myself.

Dick Nuts. It gets me every time...

Fine, but go eat an Extra anyway, Ed said, pulling me back in. And just keep it, and get fat and ugly, and see how happy you are then.

Um, fuck off? I tried to shake him out of my head.

We can’t eat again for two and half hours! he exclaimed. You’re gonna be so hungry, and you’ll wish you’d listened to me then.

Argh! He was right, I would wish that.

Just have a Rice Krispie square and a granola bar. And some Oreos! You love Oreos.

ED! I screamed, and actually grabbed my head with my hands. FUCK! OFF!

On and on it went, and I wondered if I was going to make it through lunch without letting Ed take over. Then I remembered something that had occurred to me the other day, something that had brought me comfort at the time. I reached out in my mind and tried desperately to hold on to it.

Here's what the thought was: this is just where I am at right now. I have to accept that this is how I will be spending the last minutes of every meal for the next little while, as I continue to get better - running out the clock by fighting with my eating disorder.

I can't help the fighting - it's gonna happen, and prolly every time I eat, too.

But as long as I keep fighting back? I am getting better.

So THERE, Dick Nuts!

Ha ha! Dick Nuts. What does that even mean?

4:30

God, but I’m having a good day today.

I have an AA meeting tonight, so I decided to shower this afternoon, and even though I was just going to cram my cap back on, I decided to blow dry my hair.

A few minutes later, I was so glad I did! M texted, and asked if he could stop by after work, to show me his new haircut.

FUCK YEAH!

So then I really did my hair, flat-ironed it, the whole works, and even put some makeup on, which I am going to touch up before dinner, just in case M comes in right away.

Treatment wise, I managed to reign in the beast for snack time, and didn’t eat any Extras, since I was still full from lunch.

And then Wang was here! And he brought a butt load of DVDs for me! Dexter, and Breaking Bad, two shows that are supposed to wickedly good and highly addictive, which is just what I need.

Ooooh, I gotta do my makeup before dinner! Back in a bit.

6 pm

Sitting up in bed, waiting for M to arrive. I have a meeting tonight at 8, but if he doesn’t have anything to do I’m gonna ask if he wants to come with me.

Dinner went well. I was feeling a bit hungry by the time 5 o’clock came around, and the chicken goo with green beans and lentils was really good. Tonight was the first time I had to eat two slices of bread, though, with two pats of margarine. They were unbelievably delicious - it was just bread and butter, but fuck was it good - though, of course, I had to start worrying about the fat in the margarine.

But it was Dinner, and now begins the longest break until the next feeding, even though tonight, I have an AA meeting - I can fill up on coffee for the last hour. So I ate an Extra, a styrofoam cup filled with granola and a few spoonfuls of Olympic mix, though I picked out the peanuts again.

As I drank my tea after, I realized that I was really full. Maybe I didn’t have to eat so much, I thought, and started to feel panicky. Since really I only have to make it till 8, when the meeting starts and I can get coffee to fill my tummy.

I was getting more and more worried about it, until I suddenly realized - hey, that wasn’t what I wanted, not really. That was the eating disorder, that fuckface Ed getting me worked up about an extra pat of margarine and a cup of granola.

I knew where this line of thinking was going - Ed wanted me to purge.

Whoo! You really snuck in there, you little fucker.

But I caught you, bitch. Bwahahahahaha!

Though, if I am honest, at times like this, I have trouble with talking about my eating disorder as a separate entity, like they tell us to.  It is really hard to differentiate between us, despite my talking back to him - cuz I really am thinking the same thing right now.

Whatever, I said I would give this a chance, and I am. That food is staying right there in my belly. I am here to gain weight, after all, so I can go to the Day Program. And if at the end of all this I am HUGE and can’t bear the sight of myself, well at least I will know I tried my very best to get better, and can just starve myself to death again then.