Thursday, September 16, 2010

Four Pounds In One Day

"Cry me a liver."

~Sol Butcher

3:40 pm

I only have a few minutes to write. Mum and Dad are on their way here to hop-sital, for our Family Meeting with Sweet Aussie Sue.

I'm having a kick ass day today. I ate my breakfast this morning, which was two single-serving boxes of Rice Krispies, a banana, and two soy milks. Since I have changed my menu (starting tomorrow) to three cereals - because I expend the energy of two boxes of cereal just by opening two boxes of cereal - I decided that a small Extra today would be alright.

I poured myself half a Dixie cup of Olympic Mix, which I nibbled on and didn't even finish while I drank my cup of tea.

So Breakfast was good. Morning Snack was good too, I ate my orange and my Rice Krispie square, drank my tea, and stopped.

Ah, but Head Nurse, Sweet Aussie Sue and Grave (wretched cow) still nailed me, just before lunch.

I was sitting on the hallway chair, talking to M on my mobile, when their little gang stalked down the hall, sniffing around for the scent of my blood.

"UH oh," I hissed into my phone. "Gotta go."

I jumped up and started to run, but they were too fast for me.

"Kage!" Head Nurse stopped me in my tracks. "Let's have a chat."

I turned around and smiled at them brightly. "Yes! Let's." When they turned around, I dropped my smile and followed them sullenly to the Group room.

Take away MY Sunday Pass, I sulked to myself.

We walked into the Group room, and each woman snagged a chair around the table, and sat down.

Head Nurse looked at me. "So, Kage," she said, and I thought I saw a smile playing at the corners of her mouth. "You certainly are a very determined young woman when you want something, aren't you?"

Omigod, thought I. No. No fucking way!

I shrugged modestly, but I couldn't stop the grin from spreading across my face.

"I got the pass, didn't I?" I asked.

"Yes, you did," she said, shaking her head. "And while what you did really wasn't the healthiest thing you could have done, well I guess, at least you were honest about it."

"What did she do?" Sweet Aussie Sue asked (she had been sick for a few days and missed the whole show).

I turned to Sue. "I stuffed my face all day yesterday to try and gain four pounds and get my pass back."

Sweet Aussie Sue snorted, then smothered her smile with her hand. "Four pounds in a day, huh?"

"Yes, well, back to the matter at hand," Grave (wretched cow) cut in, bringing us all back to our focus. "We wanted to check in with you and see where you are at now, in regards to your recovery."

"Ah," I nodded. "Well, I have decided that I am going to continue with the Mindful Eating that I was working on before yesterday, to overcome my compulsive overeating, which is what brought me here to the hop-sital in the first place."

The ladies released a collective breath. Aw, ain't that cute, thought I. They was worried about me.

"I'm really pleased to hear you say that, Kage," Head Nurse smiled, and Grave (wretched cow) and Sweet Aussie Sud nodded. "I guess we do need to acknowledge, though, the risk of not making your pass for the following Sunday, as we try to figure out your menu."

I sighed. "I know," I said slowly. "And I can accept that. I guess it was just the shock the other day, that after I did what I was told, I lost my pass. But I really do want my recovery to come first. So, if I lose my next Sunday pass from doing my Mindful Eating, then I lose my next Sunday pass. I can handle it. At least I will be doing what I came here to do."

Nods of approval all around. Thank-you, thank-you, I thought proudly (and maybe a little smugly).

"There's just one more thing," Head Nurse said, and shifted uncomfortably.

Bongo! thought I. I knew there was more.

"Really," I said. "And what's that?"

She glanced at Grave (wretched cow).

Oh God.

"Well, you have said several times that you expect to be released into Day Program after you have been here for thirty days," Head Nurse started, and suddenly I knew where this was going.

Ah, Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

"But unfortunately, we don't always have a space available right when it's needed," she continued. "And you have said yourself that you don't think there should be an interim period between hospital and Day Program, that you want the progression to be as seamless as possible."

Ah, God DAMN IT. I did say that, didn't I?

"So," she continued on unnecessarily, "we think it would be a good idea for you to come to terms with the fact that you will probably be here for longer than thirty days."

I let my head drop onto the table with a thunk.

Arrrrggghhh, I thought. Of COURSE I will be.

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