Boy Ana And His Lunch Junk

“There is no you,

There is only me.

I just made you up 
 to hurt myself.”

 
~Trent Reznor

11:45

I don’t have very long to write, Lunch is in fifteen minutes, but I should get some time to write after that.

Despite having fallen asleep a couple of times in the evening yesterday, and despite being woken up to get strapped to the EKG machine cuz they were worried about my heart, I actually managed to sleep through the night! I slept so well that I had to be woken up for Breakfast, and then again after Breakfast, when it was time for our supervised snack.

Breakfast this morning was stressful for me. When the nutritionist Grave and I were going through the menus, she explained to me that one serving of breakfast grains was about 3/4 of a cup cereal. I was like, What the fuck? That’s two mouthfuls! So I said that I would consume two grain servings at Breakfast, not realizing that my decision would be applied to oatmeal as well.

So when I got into the Group room this morning and discovered TWO bowls of oatmeal PLUS a cup of full-fat soy milk waiting for me, I nearly turned on my heel and walked right back out again.

But some part of me just screamed when I paused. It’s fucking oatmeal! it said. Sit down and eat it, or you will never get better.

And so I did.

I made the mistake of putting brown sugar on it, as it was sitting with my food and I thought I didn’t have a choice, like the margarine. But after I had poured half the packet out, I decided to ask anyway.

“Do I have to finish this?” I asked the counselor, a sweet Australian woman named Sue.

“No,” she smiled.

Fuck! I fumed to myself. That means I didn’t have to use it in the first place. God DAMN it!

I split the vanilla soy milk equally into each bowl of oatmeal, and nuked the first one for a minute, then sat down and ate it. I tried not to think about how many calories must be in each bowl, how much fat there was in full fat soy milk, that I had to eat another bowl after; instead I tried to focus only how good it tasted, which it really did.

And when the first bowl was done, I nuked the other for a minute, and then I ate that, too.

***********************

2:55 pm

So this morning was a bit tough - I was still full from the oatmeal when we were hauled out of our beds and back into the group room for Snack time.

I had chosen “Rice Krispie square + fruit” from my menu, though when it arrived the Rice Krispie square was twice the size that I had been expecting. But I love those things, so I ate it and my banana, and then had a cup of tea.

Lunch also came around a bit soon for me, but I had substantially less food than the others, or so it seemed so to me - everyone else had a side dish, like a salad or yogurt or crackers with cheese. My vegetarian dish consisted of half a cup of cooked rice, and a fairly tasty veggie...mush, I guess. I don’t know how else to describe it. But it was still pretty good.

I was the first one to finish eating, so I had to sit there and wait for everyone else to finish. I tried not to look at anyone eating or their food, but Boy Ana was right beside me, and taking forever, just like last night and this morning. I was bored and tired of waiting, so I watched him through my peripheral vision - how slowly he would bring the food to his mouth, then pause for several seconds before taking a bite; then the slow, rhythmic chewing that just went on and on. I wondered if he was counting his chews, and would only allow his food to be swallowed when it had been masticated a certain number of times.

Once his salad had been consumed, Boy Ana then took a long look at his sandwich, and asked the nurse for an extra packet of mustard.

“You know I can’t get that for you,” the nurse replied. “You didn’t put it on your menu.”

“Fine, I’ll get it myself,” Boy Ana said, pushing his chair back and squeezing past Sweetface and Legs McGee to get to the cabinets. He took out an packet of mustard and a pat of butter, and headed back to his spot at the table.

He was just opening the mustard when the nurse shut him down.

“Boy Ana, you cannot have that. You cannot add on to your menu.”

He was silent and held her gaze for a moment, then chucked the mustard onto the table in front of him.

Ah, but he wasn’t done yet. As soon as conversation started up again, he opened the pat of butter and had smeared some on his sandwich before the nurse noticed him again, and told him to put it down. He glared at her again and started turning red, and I wondered if he was going to explode. Cool!

Then he threw the butter down onto the table with a disgusted sigh. Everyone around him picked up their forks and began to eat again.

As usual, Boy Ana did not finish all of his food before the alloted time was up.

If I'm honest, just sitting beside him at meal times is stressful and exhausting. I don't like it. Or him.

At the end of Lunch, I discovered that I am not the only person who feels this way. Unlike at Dinner the night before or Breakfast this morning, when he didn’t finish his food today at Lunch, he got the ultimate consequence, which is supposed to be doled out to anyone who doesn’t finish every last bite of their food.

Ensure!.

Whoo, yes! Full-fat Ensure!, and you had to drink the whole can! Gross.

Boy Ana must have thought it gross, too, cuz when the nurse ushered us out of the group room so she could speak with him alone, and we could hear him snapping angrily at her as the door closed.

That’s when the girls excitedly filled me in on Boy Ana.

Prolly the most emaciated of our group, he also has the biggest attitude, and the most emotional problems. The girls explained to me that the reason Boy Ana had to keep both hands on the table at all times? Was cuz he used to play with himself during lunch. They actually had to isolate him for a few meals, to get him to stop touching his junk at the dinner table.

Then the girls told me about an incident that had occurred a few days before I came in (Boy Ana was in for five days before I came in). Nurse Purple Lips, who despite her tragic, tragic makeup is a very sweet girl, was supervising a dinner that Boy Ana didn’t finish. She told him that he would have to drink the entire can of Ensure!, and apparently as the girls were once again ushered out of the room, they heard him tell Nurse Purple Lips that she was a cunt, and he wasn’t going to drink it.

Eeeek.

This time, the other four girls and I were banished to the hallway for several minutes while the counselors dealt with Boy Ana. Eventually the door opened and he stormed through it, nearly running into Legs McGee in the hallway, who was playing I Spy With My Little Eye with Sweetface and Day Program Girl.

"I spy with my little eye something that starts with -"

“Who fucking gives a shit?” he snapped at Legs, then threw his empty bottle of Ensure! in the general direction of the dishes trolley.

“Watch it,” FuBu snapped back, as the bottle bounced over to her instead.

I didn’t catch what he said, but he called her some name or another, then marched back into the Group room and slammed the door. A few minutes later, the door opened again, and one of the family counselors invited the rest of us back in.

What followed was a Group session called Exploring Emotions, but really? All it was was a Tear-Down-Boy-Ana Fest. Fubu and Legs McGee let him have it, chastising him for what he had done to Nurse Purple Lips the other day, and for his shitty attitude in general. They made a couple of valid points, but when half an hour had stretched on and we were still discussing all of Boy Ana’s faults, I started to get a bit restless.

LynnLynn, the counselor that was running Exploring Emotions, must have felt my frustration, cuz she changed the direction of the meeting to what we used to do with negative feelings like this before we came into hop-sital.

When it was finally over, we all went outside for a walk with another one of the counselors, Joy. I was having a little trouble coming up with the energy needed to keep walking, despite having eaten substantially more than I would have on my own. But I needed to keep up, and was anxious to get even the smallest amount of exercise in, so I popped my earbuds in, and listened to System of a Down for the rest of the walk.

Then it was time for Afternoon Snack, so we all piled into the Group room again.

And just like last night, there waiting at my place for me, was a five star apple.

“Argh, I told Grave yesterday that I won’t eat those,” I said to the supervising nurse. “I hate those apples.”

Sweet Aussie Sue was called in, and it was agreed that I would have two cups of applesauce, to make up for the uneaten apple.

Boy Ana lost his shit. “No substituting!” he cried out.

“She’s not substituting, she doesn’t like them,” Fubu snapped back.

“So what?” he demanded. “I have lots of likes and dislikes too, and - “

“Yeah, but she told the nutritionist right at the beginning that she wouldn’t eat those,” Legs McGee said. “They shouldn’t be on her menu in the first place.”

“Yeah,” agreed Fubu, ending the discussion.

I could feel Boy Ana’s eyes burning holes into the back of my head, but I didn’t give a shit. Fuck off, you little runt, I thought. Worry about your own goddamn menu.

It was a minute before our alloted time to eat was up, and Boy Ana stood up and stormed out of the room, despite protests from everyone else.

Maybe I'll go to the Group room a few minutes early tonight. So I can get a different seat for dinner.

7:15 pm

Just sitting up in my new bed in the girls’ dorm room. My stuff was moved in by the staff while we were all at dinner.

Tis not as bad as I expected. I even have my own t.v. pointed at my bed, though of course, Sons of Butcher being on at 4 am means it is strictly forbidden. I’ve been watching it on YouTube, but I really hope Dad gets those DVDs for me. I really need them right now.

Was struggling earlier this afternoon with an overwhelming desire to leave. I was frustrated by absolutely everything, the controlled eating and no-purging being the most upsetting. I was writing after Afternoon Snack this afternoon, and when I got hungry I looked up at the clock and was thrilled to see that we only 15 minutes until dinner! I looked back to my computer screen, and that’s where I discovered that actually, I had an hour and fifteen minutes until dinner.

FUCK! I fumed. I want to fucking eat!

I managed to hang around until dinner, but then I ate too much - I added a Rice Krispie square after my vegetarian chili and whole wheat bun. The panic started to rise - that was my second Rice Krispie square today, that’s 8 grams of fat! And the desire to run multiplied itself, and there were a few minutes there that I actually considered leaving. Mum and Dad were gone, I would have the whole house to myself and could binge and purge to my heart’s content!

We had Check In immediately following dinner, so I told the group what I was thinking. We talked about it a bit there, and then we all went to sit outside, and I sat and chatted some more with Sweetface and Day Program. Sweetface is a bulimic too, and she sympathized with me, cuz every day she wants to purge too. She has been here for five weeks, and hasn’t thrown up in 7 or 8 days. I’m guessing the last time she did it was when she was on a weekend pass, which is exactly when I’m gonna do it!

I don’t want to think about that right now, though. Honestly, I am trying to keep myself going with this one thought - I might as well just stay and do the program, eat the food and gain the weight, cuz I can always just lose it all over again when I get out of here, right?

Right?

9:35

Just finished Evening Snack. I had requested fruit (no goddamn five-star apples!) and was starving by the time we all met up in the Group room. I looked excitedly at my tray, and was surprised to see only two sliced kiwis waiting for me.

That’s not food, I thought.

I sat down and just devoured each kiwi half, dragging my teeth along the inside of each skin to make sure I got every little bit of fruit I could. That was nowhere near enough food for me though, so I stood up and went to the Extras Cabinet.

Hmmmmmm, let’s see. Rice Krispie square? NO. Nutrigrain bar? Maybe. OREOS??? If only. Granola bar, granola cereal, saltines, Stoned Wheats, Crunchy Os? I took down the Crunch Os box, and quickly scanned their nutritional content.

Pass!

I got a small bowl out of the cupboard, and dumped in a load of Crunchy Os, then grabbed some of the gluten-free berry granola, and sprinkled a few kernels over the other cereal. Then I put vanilla soy milk over the concoction and mixed it all up.

And then I grabbed a gluten free fruit bar, too, before returning to my spot at the table beside Boy Ana. I didn’t even look at him as I sat down, for fear of the eating disorder I would see reflected back at me.

I ate my bowl of cereal, and it was really good with the vanilla soy milk, even though those Crunchy Os had seen much fresher days. Because they were so low fat, I decided to go back and refill my bowl to the top again, and sprinkle another pinch of granola over it.

I only had time to finish my cereal, though, and then the time was up. I said that I would put my gluten-free fruit bar back in the cupboard, but I wanted it so bad that while I was waiting in line to do my dishes, I opened it and took a bite.

“You can’t eat that now,” FuBu said, busting me right away.

I played ignorant for what will have to be the last time (tomorrow is Day 3), but thankfully the bar was absolutely disgusting, and into the garbage is where it would have been going anyway.

But then they wouldn’t let me have a glass of water either, because time was up!

“Are you serious?” I cried. “I can’t have a fecking glass of water? Isn’t that just promoting dehydration?”

“We tried that already,” FuBu said. “You have enough time to drink water during snack time.”

“Argh,” I growled, but I put my styrofoam cup back in the cupboard and closed the door.

Now I am sitting up in bed, partially wondering how many calories I just consumed, but also partially thinking, Who fucking cares? I want to get the fuck out of here, and the only way I can do that is to finish the program. I can always lose whatever weight I gain when I get out. I made the decision today that I am only going to wear loose clothing on the ward from now on. I am way too self conscious of my swollen tummy and ever-expanding body, and I can feel that it is detrimental to my recovery. So no more shirts that show little glimpses of my flat, tanned tummy, especially since I need to come to terms with the fact that it prolly won’t look like that for much longer.

Ugu is coming to visit on Thursday, and Wang has promised to stop by this week with some trashy mags and downloaded episodes of Dexter and Weeds, both of which he promises I will love. Mum and Dad are back in town on Friday, and will be coming to visit me as well. Then there is the possibility of a pass on Sunday for something like 8 hours, and though I was told not to get my hopes up, they are up anyway.

I know that at this moment, I want a pass so I can fucking BINGE. But I also want to see Billy and Moo and hang out with my parents. So a little bit of healthy, a little bit of unhealthy, but it would be nice to get out of the hospital for a whole day.

Oh fuck! Before I even binge, though? I’m having A COFFEE AND A SMOKE!!!!