DETOX - DAY 4
(<--that's not me, it's Izabella Caro. But close)
Fuck! Crazy Ol’ Blue Eyes is driving ME crazy. Every time I eat, he has to comment on how much I am consuming. And every time I squirrel away food for later, he notices and teases me. It’s driving me spare, I hate having someone following me around and passing judgement on all my fucking food choices.
Oh, and check this out - here’s a little diddy that can put Ol’ Blue Eyes’ state of mind into perspective for you.
I went up to the Nurse's Station last night before bed to get some dental floss. Blue Eyes was already there, gripping the counter and hunching his thick shoulders kinda menacingly towards the female nurse.
“So I'm eating my snack and the guy comes up and asks me for a lighter,” he says to her, and produces a black Bic. “I reach in my pocket and go to give it to him, and there’s nobody there. There’s NOBODY. THERE.”
“Ok, Blue,” the nurse said softly. “It’s okay. You’ve already had your medication. Why don’t you go sit down and relax in the common area?”
He pointed a finger at her. “You better not be calling nobody," he warned.
“No, I wouldn't do that, Blue,” the nurse replied. “Off you go, now.”
He stared at her for another second, then turned and loped off down the corridor, not even noticing me flattened against the wall, eyes searching for ANYthing to land on other than him.
“Yes, Kg,” the nurse turned to me. “What can I get for you?”
“Umm...ah...may I have some dental floss, please?” I whispered.
“Sure,” she said, and handed me the box. “Just take as much as you want.”
I took some floss then went back to the women’s dorm to brood over what I had just witnessed with Ol’ Blue. That was some scary shit. And I thought I was uncomfortable with him following me around before?!
I should have known better and kept my distance, but I was so very bored. Now I’m paying the price, I guess.
Oh well. At least it will keep things interesting.
I was up early this morning, with a headache to boot. Confused and momentarily disoriented, I thought it was the middle of the night and got up to binge, but as I pushed open the door to the girls dorm room, I heard voices.
I walked into the common room and looked up at the clock on the wall - 5:30am.
“Fucking right!” I exclaimed to the room at large. “I slept through the night.”
Nobody else was very impressed though, so I went back into the dorm to binge anyway.
I ate the 3 muffins and the PBJs and purged, then went out to the common area for breakfast - two bowls of cereal (“you’re eating again?” said Blue), a coffee and a smoke.
While I was outside in the courtyard, the door opened and the New Girl I had noticed getting checked in yesterday appeared. She glanced directly at me, gave me a sour, snotty kinda look, then went and sat across the courtyard from all the rest of us.
Ah, the New Girl, how I already hate her. Super pretty and just as skinny as me, she is just the kind of high maintenance little shit that I cannot stand. We all got treated to her performance on the phone last night, where she kept crying and yelling,”I don’t deserve this kind of abuse!” before she put the phone down on it’s side and ran off the get a counselor, whom she dragged back to phone and forced to speak to whoever was on the other end of the line. She was already up when I went out to check the time this morning, and by 6:00am she was already on the phone, again.
For whatever reason, she has made it abundantly clear that she doesn’t like me. Prolly just doesn’t appreciate the competition; she is clearly used to being the prettiest girl in the room. She can relax, though, cuz the only thing I give a flying fuck about?
I just hope she eats.
Last night I watched as she walked by the snack counter in the common area, and one of the guys offered her some toast.
“Me?” she said. “No, no toast.”
Ah, fuck! I thought. Here we fucking go. That’s just what I need, another anorexic around to make my recovery that much harder. I guess I had better get used to it, though, hey? After all, I’m not moving into hospital next week with a bunch of chocolate fucking bunnies, am I? If only.
I finally got up to shower properly today - shaved, washed and blew my hair dry and put some slap on my face. Not much, just some cover-up over the fresh scabs I had dug into my face and neck in the days before I came in, then some blush and some chapstick. Minimal, but still I felt better, and lots of the other mentalers stopped me in the hallway to compliment me on how much better I looked. Which is always nice.
Right now I am just waiting for belongings access at 8:30 so I can get another pack of smokes, then I am going to go and eat another bowl of cereal before they take breakfast away. Hopefully, I’ll be able to eat it sans Blue Eyes’ running fucking commentary.
I’m just after my second breakfast, and there just was no escape from Ol’ Blue. He followed me around and commented on fucking everything! The cook came out to give me a banana, since I’m not actually supposed to be eating the cereal, being lactose intolerant and all. Blue Eyes saw this from his vantage point in the middle of the room and yelled out,“Why do you get a banana?”
“Cuz I’m cute,” I yelled back, then left to go and hide it in the dorm room.
Then he had to tease me when I went back for my second helping of cereal, even though it had been THREE HOURS since I had last had some. I was so not impressed.
In addition to my Blue stresses, I am really restless and antsy today. I am so fucking bored, there is just too much time to wile away here, and now that my insomnia is coming in nicely, I am starting to really struggle to stay put and finish the program. I tried to lie down after each breakfast this morning, but nothing for it - I just lay there, halfway between twitching and vibrating, not knowing what to do with myself.
Today is the first time I have really wanted to leave. Not because I want drugs, but because I want FOOD. I want food so fucking badly, I want to consume disgusting, seemingly impossible amounts of whatever foods I want, then throw it all up again. The hardest part about being in here is having to control my eating. Kinda ironic.
I’m just after having lunch. I am NOT PLEASED.
I was employing my usual technique of eating all the fatty foods first, so I could go and purge them out, then just eat the healthy stuff.
Crap foods consumed, I got up from the lunch table and walked out of the common room and into the women’s dorms, then quickly slipped into the bathroom to purge.
I had just flushed and was opening the stall door, spoon in hand (it’s tidier, shut up), when the bathroom door was quickly flung open.
I looked up in surprise, feeling caught out.
“Hey,” she said, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Hey,” I said, and slipped the spoon out of sight by tucking it into my sleeve.
She took a few steps into the bathroom and up to the mirror, tossed her hair at her reflection, then waltzed right back out again.
The little shit! I fumed to myself. She left the lunch table just to do that? My ARSE.
I wondered briefly if Ol’ Blue Eyes had mentioned something to her about my eating disorder, or even put her up to the surprise bathroom inspection. They had been glued together at the hip all morning long, so it wouldn’t surprise me. Fuckers.
What was clear was that the purging was gonna have to stop. Well, that, or I was gonna have to kill the new girl.
Which one do you think I'd rather do?
Ha ha! Me too.
Back in the common room, I sat down to eat the huge salad that Norma, the cook, had made for me. It was perfect - I got to eat for a long time, it was delicious, but I wasn’t stressed after (except by New Girl glaring at me). So after I had finished eating and bused my dishes, I approached Norma and asked her if she could just give me that for lunch every day.
“What? No!” she exclaimed. “You’re so thin! Nobody loses weight on MY cooking.”
I quietly pleaded with her, explaining that I just didn’t want to gain any weight while I was in here.
Her eyebrows shot up, and she looked up and down my emaciated body, then shook her head. “You poor, crazy white girl,” she said and patted my hand, but she agreed to make only salads for my lunches.
Yes! Fait accompli! No more need to purge, no more taking the risk of getting caught by that stupid little shit, New Girl.
Though Norma did say something kinda ominous about having omelettes for dinner tonight. I didn’t want to offend her so I kept my mouth shut, but there is no fucking way I will be eating a greasy omelette for dinner. Not if I can’t purge anymore.
This would be so much easier if I didn’t feel Ol’ Blue’s eyes on me all the fecking time.
Speaking of which, I was just outside having a smoke after my delicious salad when Blue Eyes came up beside me and put his face RIGHT next to mine. And then did nothing.
“Whacha doing?” he said eventually, his cheek still pressed against mine.
Having a heart attack?
“Smoking,” I said out the opposite side of my mouth.
He finally straightened up. “Go and get your shorts on,” he urged. “Then you can come and sit in the sun with me.”
I looked down and sure enough, there were his tanned brown legs, sticking out of his board shorts.
“I’m still freezing,” I said, and motioned to myself. “See? I’m still wearing two sweaters.”
“Take one of them off,” he grinned. “I’ll keep you warm.”
“I’ll bet you will,” I said smoothly, but a little alarm bell was ringing in my head. At least we aren’t the only two people outside, I thought. That would suck.
He kept looking at me expectantly, so I sighed and said,”I’ll take off a sweater as soon as I warm up.”
“I’ll warm you up,” he said again.
Yeeeeeeeeees, Captain Clever Clogs. I heard you the first time.
“Come and sit in the sun with me anyway,” he said, when I didn’t respond.
“Can’t,” I said. “Going to have a nap.”
“What?” he said incredulously. “That’s all you ever do is nap.”
“Yeah, well, we are in detox,” I said. “Isn’t that what we’re here for?”
“No, you’re here to have conversations with me, and...and...orgasms!” His blue eyes lit up.
What the FUCK? thought I.
Aloud, I said, “Pffft. What detox are YOU in?”
He laughed, then put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me to him, and kissed me on the forehead.
Oh God, Oh God, Oh God, I thought. WHAT DO I DO?
Before I could make a decision, he let me go and walked away, pulling a chair into the sunshine and plopping down.
I breathed a sigh of relief, ground out my smoke and stood up to leave.
But I breathed too soon!
“Where are you going?” he cried, like we didn’t JUST HAVE this very conversation.
“To. Have. A. Nap.” I said firmly.
“I’m gonna come and wake you up in ten minutes,” he promised.
“Yeah, good luck with that,” I snorted, and he roared with laughter while I opened the glass door and went back inside.
Hmmmmmm. Not sure what to make of all that. But I really do need a nap, so ta.
Just after an afternoon nap. I’m feeling pretty crappy today.
Though I suppose that’s the point.
I had gone to lie down after lunch, but one of the nurses came and woke me up maybe fifteen minutes after I had finally fallen asleep.
“Kg,” she said, shaking my arm. “You wanted something out of lock up?”
“Yeshh,” I said thickly.
“Then it’s time to get up.” She left to rouse some other poor sucker.
I didn’t feel any better 45 minutes later when it was time for “Group”. I barely made it through yet another fucking video by Dorbrent something-or-other, whose videos are featured quite regularly here. They actually aren’t that bad, really, but today I was in no fucking mood to sit through the extra-long version we got roped in with.
I was up and out the door before Dorbrent had finished his closing statement, and just went directly to bed, not even going outside for a smoke. I managed to get in an hour’s sleep, though, and I am feeling a little more rested, though still pretty lousy.
Argh, I couldn’t do it! I couldn’t just leave the yummy food alone, of course I couldn’t. Cream of mushroom soup, a stick of garlic bread and half a cookie were consumed before I left to throw it all up again. At least New Girl (whose name rhymes with M-whore-gan, so let’s just call her that) didn’t follow me into the fucking bathroom again, nor has she shopped any suspicions she may have of me to the nurses, as far as I know. Stupid little shit.
I only have to get through three more days here. Thanks be to Christ.
The purge was less than flawless, though. I had forgotten that I’d popped a couple Advil before dinner for my lingering headache. Bad, bad, acid taste filled my mouth that only made me retch soooo much harder.
That all just went spectacularly wrong.
I decided during the evening meeting tonight that I had had enough, that I wanted to go home. I thought about just telling Dad the truth - that I only had a couple of days off before I had to go in to the hospital, and I wanted to spend them at his house with him, my dogs, and FOOD. But I knew that prolly wouldn’t be enough to get me out of here, so I amalgamated the two guys that are making me uncomfortable into one (the other is Harold the Hapless Hobo, follows me around too) and told Dad that someone here was really bothering me, so I wanted to come home.
Oh God. Dad hit the ROOF. He started yelling that this was unacceptable, that he wanted someone from the staff to call him on his cell RIGHT THIS MINUTE; he wanted that guy kicked outta there, and if the staff didn’t do it, he would call the POLICE.
Maybe I shouldn’t have told him about Ol’ Blue Eyes kissing me on the forehead. Dad nearly went into apoplexy.
I realize now that I was trying to manipulate him into getting me out of the klink. Did that ever backfire!
I pleaded with him to calm down, that I would deal with it.
“No, no you won’t, Kage,” he said. “This is just like all those years ago with Michael. No one has the right to be making you feel unsafe and sexually harassed! Now I want you to get out there, find that guy, and stand up for yourself!"
“Okay, Dad, okay,” I said. “Please, just stay out of it. I’m the one who has to live with these people.”
“Fine. What are you going to do about it?”
Shit! He knew me too well.
I told him that I was going to talk to him (them) myself (I didn’t), and called him back a few minutes later. I told him A truth - that I had told that fucking wet-brain Harold that I would not be watching a movie with him tonight - and one lie - that I had said something to Ol’ Blue Eyes about kissing me in the courtyard.
Christ, I hope I calmed him down enough that he doesn’t call the detox centre. This kinda blew up in my face - not that I want Crazy Ol’ Blue Eyes kissing on me, but I also don’t want a man being chucked out on the streets with nowhere to go because of something I did.
I guess I got what I deserved for being so manipulative, hey?
Oh, God. Having quite the emotional evening. As I was walking past an open newspaper in the common room earlier, my eye was drawn to an article about some guy’s dog getting killed by coyotes at Nose Hill Park. Suddenly I was reduced to a shaking, sobbing mess, and had to be escorted back to the dormitory. Then Grace and Damien (characters in the Marian Keyes book I’m reading) got back together, and that made me cry, too. Then Marnie (same book) finally stood up in an AA meeting and declared herself to be an alcoholic, and I blubbed at that as well. And then, at the end of the book - which by the way almost got taken away from me for upsetting me so much - when Lola and Rossa finally got together, I collapsed on my bed and bawled like a baby.
And now it’s gone, and I am left alone, because I was too stupid to bring more than one book out of lock-up at a time, and all I have left to read is my Big Book. And I guess I have my blog, too, which I printed up in it’s entirety for some unknown reason before I came in here.
So, it's between taking a look at my fucked up life by editing my blog, or reading the blasted Big Book.
Sigh. Looks like it’s editing the blog for me. I’m never be THAT bored.