Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Missed by Miles

I am sitting in the living room of the dancer house in mid-province city, crying. All the things that I refuse to feel by engaging in my compulsive behaviors have tracked me down once again, and are coming on full force. And yet, I received good news today, and am reluctant to reach for food or restrict food or do any of my other stupid things. I have been so good today, but at the end of the day something set me off and without my compulsive behaviors, I felt naked against a violent onslaught of emotions that I cannot handle.

That's the danger in numbing yourself against any feelings. When you try to stop, all those blocked feelings don't just seep through the holes of the barrier you have erected, one at a time. Nope, your barrier collapses under the weight of so many unrequited emotions, and suddenly you are completely submerged and unable to breath.

I am crying because I miss Bf. I miss him so much, and yet I have erected a wall so high around myself that I cannot even see him at the moment. And I am afraid that the more time that lapses before I get some help, the less interested Bf is in pursuing this relationship. I can't say that I blame him. I know I did so much to hurt him, and then I just shut down emotionally. And I want so badly to push through it and reach him, but I don't know how. So I just sit here, letting my makeup run down my face and wondering if I can stay sober for another half an hour.

The good news was that the eating disorders program called me today, and I did an initial intake interview. The counselor I spoke to said that I will be getting into the program in 4-6 weeks now (I have been on the waiting list for 3 months) unless someone drops out, and then I will be in right away. I called boyfriend and he was ecstatic for me during the day, but something in his lifeless voice tonight told me that maybe it's just too late. That his heart is tired of aching because of me and he has started to shut down, too. I fear that I am not the only one has erected a wall around their heart.

Two big walls. Two lonely, empty people.

I'm about to break.

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